Encouraging good behaviour There isn't one right way to get children to behave themselves. Your child's temperament, your parenting style and the situation will all influence what you do.

Children learn a lot about how to behave and cope with situations by copying adults, and that usually means you. If you don't want your child to behave aggressively, don't let him or her see you behaving that way either.

Practical advice

Child-proof your home - put valuable, breakable and dangerous objects (and, therefore, temptation) out of your child's reach.

Keep your sense of humour - make an effort to be positive and try to see the funny side of your child's behaviour. Don't be inconsistent though, as it's confusing to laugh at rudeness or aggression sometimes, and then to put your foot down at other times.

Reduce stress - if you feel under pressure or there are other stresses in your life, it can seem harder to cope with a demanding child. Take some time for yourself and work at ways of keeping stress to a minimum.

Positive discipline

Positive discipline means working at building good communication, listening to your child's views, but not being afraid to set clear limits and boundaries. Try the following:

• Always look for your child's good behaviour and praise it.
• Turn a blind eye to minor annoying behaviour and naughtiness.
• Reserve battles and occasions when you have to say no for those times when there's no choice - usually when your child's safety is at stake.
• Don't expect too much. It's normal for toddlers to test your reactions by doing things over and over, even after you've told them not to. This is how they learn what's acceptable and what the limits are.
• Put yourself in your child's shoes. Think back to how you felt as a child and how unfair the adult world often seemed.
• Routines help children feel secure and there'll be less need for conflict if they expect things to happen in a certain way or at a particular time. For example, they'll (eventually) know it's bedtime after they've had a bath and brushed their teeth.
• Set reasonable limits. Children seldom feel secure if they're allowed to do what they want. In fact, some may behave worse to discover what the boundaries are.
• Keep family rules to a minimum. Young children can be overwhelmed by too many rules they can't possibly remember, never mind stick to.
• Be realistic. A lot of the behaviour parents call naughty or disobedient is just a normal part of development. Younger toddlers want to touch everything to find out how it works. Older toddlers try to assert their independence. If you talk with other parents you'll probably find they too are having - or have had - similar experiences.

Why children do things you don't like

Some behaviour you might think of as 'naughty' is actually developmentally appropriate. Toddlers may mess with their food, for example, while learning how to feed themselves. Here are some of the other common causes:

Wanting company - small children will do almost anything to get your attention. That's why it's important to praise them when they're behaving well; if you only take notice when they're doing something bad, they'll keep behaving that way.

Feeling angry - sometimes toddlers will try to get back at people they feel have treated them badly. Acknowledge your child's feelings of anger, for example, by saying, "You must have felt really cross at Sophie for grabbing your toy."

Feeling powerless - toddlers are only too aware they have little control over their world, and if they feel particularly annoyed and helpless they may hit out.

Showing they feel bad - young children sometimes communicate things through their behaviour that they can't put into words, such as feeling anxious or upset. Offer more love, cuddles and sympathy rather than punishing your child.

Always make allowances if your child is overtired or ill - behaviour is always likely to be worse for a while.

Looking after children requires a lot of energy and effort, and no one can keep up positive discipline perfectly all the time. There will be days when it gets on top of you, and all parents do things they regret sometimes. If this happens, say you're sorry, reassure your child that you love them, explain that your behaviour wasn't right and try again. This teaches children a valuable lesson.

This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in August 2008.

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