Your relationship with your teen By focusing on the bad side of your teen's behaviour, you could be missing out on all the good...

A lot of the behaviour associated with being a teenager - wanting more freedom, challenging authority and taking risks , trying alcohol or drugs, having relationships and staying out late, are only part of the picture. Many of the negative stereotypes attached to adolescence, such as delinquency and violence, are also quite incorrect.

A few teenagers may behave in this way, but the vast majority don't.

Going through changes

As your teen matures towards adult life, he may have to tackle some of the following:

• Dealing with sexual feelings and his newly maturing body - he's caught between childhood and adulthood
• Learning new life skills - problem solving, decision making, negotiation and conflict resolution, as well as learning to apply a more abstract level of thought
• Working out a system of values and morals based on, but probably different from, your own
• Dealing with friendships and relationships in a mature way
• Working out his adult identity, including a likely period of adopting different identities to see if they fit
• Forming a new adult relationship with you that will be the basis of your future relationship

All the way through the teen years, you'll have to guide your child towards adult life, gradually handing over responsibilities and independence when he shows he can manage them.

Your teen will need clear rules and boundaries about what's considered acceptable, even when he rebels against them.

Living with teenagers

Once your child becomes a teenager, you'll find you have an interesting companion to chat to and share ideas with. You may even discover a new zest for life from the enthusiasm and energy of your teenager - all that optimism can be infectious.

Wise parents learn to respect their children as the adults they'll soon become, while still understanding they may sometimes want to behave in a younger way.

This can be puzzling but, just as in the toddler years, your teen is torn between going all out for independence and swinging back to the familiar security of an earlier age. During stressful times, it can be all too easy to forget that inside your argumentative teenager is your tender child.

Adolescent identity

Throughout his teens, your child is developing his identity. He may lack confidence and worry about his looks, body and the strange feelings and thoughts he's experiencing. This is why teenagers often retreat to their rooms or spend hours in the bathroom.

Remember - he's sorting things out for himself, not rejecting you. For him, growing up involves demonstrating how different he is from the adults around him. He needs to find ways of expressing this difference; he may disagree with everything you say, for example.

You're still needed

Don't forget your teenager still needs you and, underneath it all, cares about your opinions. If you understand and accept that some conflict is inevitable, you'll be better prepared for it.

And remember, living with an older sibling who's struggling with adolescence can be tough, too. It's important not to forget a younger child's needs by getting too caught up in battles with your adolescent.

Don't be upset if your teenager sometimes acts as though you're the most embarrassing person on the planet - meeting friends outside to avoid them seeing you, or not letting you know about a school event because they don't want you to attend. This is very common and, in spite of it all, they still love you.

Your confidence may be knocked by your child's adolescence, and you might feel unsure about how to deal with many of the problems. You may be deeply upset and uncertain how to react when you see your teen pull away. If you feel it's becoming unbearable, talk with him rather than ignoring his behaviour. And always try to offer emotional support, no matter how difficult it may feel.

Your support is still essential throughout the teenage years and can have a protective effect as your teen moves towards adult life.

This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in September 2008.

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