Bullying and the school-age child Even though everyone agrees bullying is not OK, it can still happen, and your child may be bullied or even be a bully at some time.

There are three ways children can be bullied:

• Physical bullying - when your child is hit, pushed, has hair pulled and so on.
• Verbal bullying - name calling, racist and sexist comments, foul language and unkind jokes, for example, about weight. This is the most frequent type of bullying and very common for children aged nine to 13. Verbal bullying isn't teasing - teasing happens when both the teaser and child are having fun.
• Relational bullying - being left out or having nasty gossip passed around about you. Young teenagers especially can suffer from this type of bullying.

Recognising bullying

There are a few signs that may indicate your child is being bullied. Has their behaviour changed? Do they refuse to go to school or have unexplained tummy aches or headaches? Have they lost confidence recently, or seem to be generally low?

If you notice any of these signs, or your child tells you about bullying, there are some steps you can take.

• Take bullying seriously. You may be tempted to think your child is being over-sensitive, over-reacting or simply wanting extra attention, but telling you about bullying was a big step and took lots of courage.
• Talk together about how to sort the problem out. If the bullying happened at school, a club or other organisation, your first step is to alert staff to the problem. Ask your child to tell a trusted adult straight away when bullying happens. Make sure your child warns the bully she's going to do this.
• You could find a special listener for your child, such as a playground assistant or school secretary who's around everyday to support your child.
• Your child's school will have a policy about bullying, which should help you.
• Avoid fighting back. The problem may well get bigger if you become angry with the other child or their parent, or if your child attacks the other child in return.

Avoiding bullying

Being bullied is never your child's fault, but there are some things she or he can do to make being bullied less likely.

• Act confident - teach your child to imagine walking tall and to look people in the eye.
• Make a point of finding friends - ask other children round to your house, join sports or organised clubs where your child will meet others interested in the same things.
• Hang around with friends - when adults aren't around, your child should stick together with friends. A bully probably won't approach when their victim is in a group.
• Tell your child you love and respect him or her - when you listen to them you build up their confidence, self-esteem and trust in you.

What to do if your child is a bully

If your child bullies, you may react with shock, shame or even anger. You may wonder what you can do to sort this out.

• Let your child know that bullying is not OK. Be clear about what you mean by bullying behaviour. Work together with others involved such as teachers and parents to make sure the bullying stops.
• Let your child know how she or he should treat other people. You are your child's best teacher, so set an example through your own behaviour. Let your child see you be kind, speak well of others, solve problems without getting angry, be accepting of differences between people such as race, religion, attitudes and so on.
• Help your child understand how other children and adults feel. Talk about feelings and ask questions such as: "How did you feel when...?" and "How do you think I felt after...?"

Spend more time with your child. Sometimes children bully because of their own sadness and anger, or after being bullied themselves. When you get closer to your child, you may find they'll share the worries behind the bullying behaviour.

This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in September 2008.

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