Adolescence and your relationship Claire Halsey Making the transition from child to adolescent may be challenging and difficult. The guide book changes with puberty!

Mood swings and independence

Until now, your child may have been reasonably happy for you to make most of the major decisions in her life. But as she grows, so she develops a strong will of her own. It can feel hurtful when an amenable, friendly child suddenly becomes moody and snaps at you over the slightest thing.

Some parents find these changes harder than others to deal with. However, some parents prefer having young people to talk to and spend time with. For the adolescent, it's an experimental time, working out what sort of teenager and young person she's eventually going to become.

When does it all begin?

Puberty, or the start of adolescence, is now taking place earlier than in previous generations, and is earlier in girls than boys. The average is 12 to 14 years for girls and 13 to 15 for boys. By the end of primary school, several girls in a class will probably have begun menstruation.

The physical signs of puberty include:

• A growth spurt
• Becoming more clumsy
• Growth of body hair and an increase in sweat production
• For girls, breasts develop and periods begin
• A boy's voice may become more husky as a prelude to it breaking in a year or two

Emotional signs include:

• Moodiness and rapid changes of temperament
• Strong feelings about many different things (embarrassment, love, hate)
• Worry over appearance, especially the unfamiliar body changes
• Becoming much more idealistic and aware of external issues
• Sensitivity over body appearance - never tease your adolescent over spots, body shape and other physical changes

You may not be able to simply reassure your adolescent that she looks fine. It's important to show you understand her concerns, while still giving a positive view of the matter: "I can understand you're worried about people noticing that spot. It isn't likely, but I can get you something to camouflage or put on it if you like."

It's important to respect your adolescent's need to try out different ideas, and not to constantly put her down. It can avoid many arguments and rows if you can concede, while still making it clear what your own views are: "Yes, I see your point, but what I believe is..." not simply, "That's ridiculous, how can you possibly think like that?"

Peer pressure

From around the time a child transfers to secondary school at about 11 or 12, the influence of friends often begins to take on greater importance than that of parents. The clothes they wear, the school bags they carry, the music and films they like must all be slavishly copied. This is extremely important for adolescents - nothing is more vital to them than feeling that they belong and are accepted by their peers.

The wise parent goes along with this as far as possible. Your child will be making all her own choices as an adult soon enough, and there's no sense in huge disputes and rows if she wants to start now.

This is still the time to shop together, but allow your child some say over what she likes and dislikes - don't just impose your own tastes.

Sexuality and your adolescent

It's essential to teach about menstruation, conception and sexual relations in a matter-of-fact way. It can be much harder to talk about sexual feelings, the emotions involved and the responsibility.

• Discuss sexual matters - use informal opportunities as they crop up, and always respond honestly and appropriately to your child's questions. Try to use other cues, like a mention on TV, to bring in difficult topics such as masturbation or protecting yourself from abuse. Children gradually become more self-conscious with age, so the earlier you do all this, the better.
• Talk about love - use everyday events in the family such as a wedding, or a baby's birth, to discuss love and responsibility to others.
• Don't laugh at 'crushes' - it's very common for youngsters to develop a crush on a celebrity and have posters plastered all over their walls. Your child may also develop a strong emotional attachment to a real friend and it's wrong to make fun of this.
• Show you trust your child to behave responsibly in sexual matters - this should act as an incentive for your child to live up to your expectations. Constant prying or suspicion will have the opposite effect.
• Don't panic - you may find your child tells dirty jokes, draws or looks at pictures of naked bodies or even indulges in some sex play with friends. This is all quite normal.
• Respect your adolescent's growing need for privacy - she'll probably become very self-conscious about nakedness.
• Give clear information about the behaviour that's appropriate in any sexual situations - stress that her body is private and no one has the right to do anything unwanted or to make her feel uncomfortable. Giving your child this information means that she'll be less vulnerable to abuse.

Early adolescence problems

Some adolescents become very shy, even though they may not have been like this as younger children. They may appear to be doing well at school, but spend all their time studying at the expense of developing friendships. Try to boost confidence and make it clear friends are welcome to come round - but many children just need time to work through this stage.

Your adolescent may refuse to do something that seems like very little effort. She won't hang up a coat instead of dropping it in the hallway, she won't write a thank-you note to a grandparent, however often you ask.

The emotional effort required can just seem like too much effort to your child. Also, much like a toddler, your child has become very aware of her increased independence and widening range of choices. She says "no" simply because she can.

The secret is to accept that you have to give up control over your child. It's no longer desirable, or possible to order her to do things - you'll only create battles and even more resistance. Hopefully, if you don't force battles, she'll eventually realise that being cooperative isn't a threat to her independence.

Many parents find untidiness one of the most irritating things about adolescents.

Towels are casually dropped on the floor, schoolbooks are left on the kitchen table, and rooms look as if a bomb has hit them. The only solution is to allow your child to experience natural consequences - if she never puts clothes in the wash basket, sooner or later she'll have nothing clean to wear. If she never tidies her room, there'll come a point where she feels so frustrated at not being able to find things that she has a massive clear-up. You need to accept that a young person has the right to deal with their own room in their own way. If you give an example of keeping things well organised and tidy, the chances are your adolescent will eventually do the same. Adults often have a double standard, accepting a level of chaos in their own room or desk, nagging a child to keep to an unrealistic level of tidiness.

These years are the beginning of the teens when you have to learn to let go, to allow your child privacy and space and the right to learn by her own mistakes.

This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in September 2008.

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