Stepfamily couple Paula Hall The relationship between the adults in a home determines the atmosphere of the whole household, especially in stepfamilies. Strengthening your relationship is the best investment you can make for your future family happiness.

In this article

The pressures of being a stepcouple Loyalty issues

Financial pressures The importance of quality time

People in stepcouples often don’t have much time to be together and build their relationship before children enter the scene. And if you both have children, then you'll have other priorities and commitments competing for your attention.

If only one of you has children then that person may find themselves feeling guilty that they can't focus 100 per cent on the relationship, while the partner without children may feel resentment at not having them all to themselves.

The home and family system is complex and a new couple who just want to be able to live together can feel overwhelmed by all the other considerations.

Some of the biggest issues for couples are those to do with loyalties and jealousy. The bond between parent and child is very strong and needs respect and understanding. Some couples struggle with the powerful feelings and loyalty that a parent has for their children and may feel pushed out by this.

It’s important to remember that children will always hold a very special place in a parent’s heart and this is quite different from the feelings they have for a partner. What's more, children grow up and move away, so a parent’s attention will not be divided forever.

The other area of tension can be around ex-partners. If former partners are still involved in parenting (which hopefully they will be) then it's not possible to completely move on from the past. There'll always be a connection that some new partners can struggle with.

Remembering that the relationship has changed and the common ground is the children, not anything else, can help you to maintain perspective and work with your partner in the best interests of the children.

Money problems are one of the biggest problems cited by couples who go to Relate. Stepfamilies often bring financial challenges anyway. When there are children outside the home who need financial support, and money coming into the home from an ex-spouse, managing finances can be particularly complex and sensitive.

You need to take time as a couple to decide exactly how you'll manage your finances and who'll be responsible for what. You need to be realistic and honest about your financial situation and agree a standard of living that's possible to sustain.

Although it’s a cliché, quality time together really is the basic building block of any intimate relationship. If you don’t spend time together it's easy to forget who you both are as individuals and why you got together.

Make sure you make time to be intimate together, to talk about issues and problems between you, but also to laugh and have fun.

If you can, set a regular time aside every week to be together. Let children know this is your special time and that it's a priority to both of you. Get a babysitter when you can so you can go out together as a couple and see other people too. This will help you to build bonding experiences that are outside of your stepfamily life.

Remember that whenever you spend time together you're setting your children a good example by saying that relationships are important and you're committed to each other.

A healthy couple relationship takes time and commitment, and sometimes it's easy to let your relationship slip as you're torn by so many other conflicting demands. But it's an investment that's well worth making - for you and for your children.

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