Children's reactions Paula Hall Becoming part of a stepfamily is a big step for everyone, especially children. Understanding how they feel and learning how to manage their concerns will help you create a positive atmosphere for everyone involved.

In this article

Threats to existing relationships

Concerns about new relationships

Behavioural changes

Becoming part of a stepfamily inevitably means the breakdown of an old one. It's common to confuse the feelings children have about the breakdown of the original family with their feelings about being in a stepfamily.

Most children want their parents to live together and to live happily ever after. Even if a relationship ended years before, many children hold on to hopes of reconciliation and the introduction of a new step-parent means the end of these dreams.

After a relationship breakdown or bereavement, children may have become particularly close to the resident or remaining parent and a new step-parent may be perceived as a threat.

Some children worry that the new step-parent is going to get in the way of their relationship with the absent parent. Or if they particularly like the step-parent, they may struggle with feelings of disloyalty.

All children have a deep desire to get on well with the new step-parent but, unfortunately, most children have grown up with stories of wicked step-parents so they'll need plenty of reassurance and time to learn that these are myths, not an inevitable reality.

Children also worry about building relationships with stepsiblings and these concerns will be magnified if you all share a house.

Children worry about practical issues, such as money, transport, mealtimes and sleeping arrangements. But they also worry about the emotional resources. Will there be enough love and time to go around?

Make sure you include children in planning new arrangements and spend time with them individually to help them understand they're important.

When new families are created, so are new rules. During the transition, you should expect your children to behave differently. These changes in behaviour will depend on your particular circumstances as well as on the age and personality of each individual child.

Children may become more tearful and demanding of your attention. They may develop anxieties about being left alone or doing new things. They may be more angry and disobedient, or they may become more withdrawn, wanting to spend more time alone or with their friends.

All these changes are due to the insecurity that comes with family change. Offering constant, patient reassurance that they're loved will make the transition as smooth as possible.

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