What are the options? Judith Barrett Your children’s legal guardian is the person who will bring them up if both parents die. For some parents, it is obvious whom they should choose. For others it can raise a host of other family issues...

In this article

What do your children need? Discussing it with the person you choose

Single parents: the options Letting everyone know

Telling your children Reviewing your choice

Nothing can be more traumatic for young children than the sudden loss of both parents - and while extremely unlikely that this will happen, it's a good idea to have a plan in place outlining who will take care of them. They will need:

• stability and continuity
• to be together
• and to feel loved and safe even though their world has collapsed around them

Ideally, then, your guardian will be someone who:

• loves the children
• can cope, physically, emotionally and financially, with all your children
• can maintain your children's other family and social relationships
• shares your values

Although it is extremely unlikely that both parents will die, the person or people you are naming as guardian(s) should be clear about what they are agreeing to do: to love and care for your children in your place. You will need to talk through all aspects, including money. Don't be shy about asking - anyone you ask will feel flattered - but at the same time you must be prepared for them to say no.

• Grandparents - If grandparents are still relatively young and live near, then in most cases they will be the obvious choice. But if they live far away, this would mean the children having to change schools and make new friends, as well as cope with the loss of their parents. And, if you started your family later, or were yourself born to older parents, they may be physically unable to take on the burden of looking after young children again
• Siblings - Even if you are happy that any of your siblings would take equally good care of your children, you should specify in your will which one you have chosen so that it is completely and immediately clear where the children should go in the aftermath of your death. But sometimes siblings are not the right choice either: they're too young/old; their lifestyle wouldn't accommodate children; much as you love your brother and his children, you are not confident that your sister-in-law would ever love yours; the way they are bringing their children up is very different to yours; they live miles away - or perhaps you simply don't have any
• Friends who live nearby - If your family do not live near, friends may know your children as well if not better than family members, and we tend to choose friends with similar values. Although not blood relatives, close friends may be in the best position to offer your children the love and continuity they need

Make sure you let your family and close friends know your decision. Even if someone is named in your will, legally your decision can be contested in court. If everyone is clear as to why you have chosen that particular person then this is unlikely to happen.

Depending on the age of your children, you may also want to tell them what you have done. Be matter of fact, reassure them how unlikely it is that they will ever need a guardian other than their parents, but that if anything did happen, this is the person who would look after them.

Be prepared to revisit your decision if circumstances change. The person you choose may have to take on additional responsibilities of their own, for instance caring for an elderly relative, or their marriage/relationship broke down.

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