Cripple Cocktails

Mmm, the Ouch team like nothing better than sipping cocktails - so it didn't take us long to start thinking about creating some disability-themed versions!

Instead of fighting your way to your local supermarket's disabled parking space in order to stock up with burgers for the barbeque, have a couple of these instead - and then don't drive anywhere!

• Ice cubes


• 2 measures of Gin


• ½ measure of Blue Curacao


• 1 blue cocktail cherry (or red, if you must)

Place the ice, gin and Blue Curacao in a cocktail shaker and shake vigorously. Pour slowly into a cocktail glass and drop in a cocktail cherry.

It's a long weekend, you've run out of your medication and don't have a new prescription ready. A few shots of the Prozac Stop-Gap should see you through, though. And you won't remember the weekend either.

• One pint glass


• Ice cubes


• 2 measures of Vodka


• 2 measures of Gin


• 1 bottle of Babycham


• Orange Juice

Fill the pint glass a quarter full of ice. Pour all the other ingredients over the ice, and then fill the glass to the top with orange juice.

A highly alcoholic cocktail that's guaranteed to take you higher and definitely 'get you there' quicker than the journey from ground to first floor.

• 2 measures of Dark Rum


• 2 measures of Tequila


• 2 measures of Apricot Brandy


• 1 measure of Grenadine


• 5 ice cubes


• Orange Juice (to top up)

Place the rum, tequila, brandy and grenadine into a cocktail shaker with the ice cubes. Shake well and strain into a cocktail glass. Fill to the top with orange juice.

If you've had a long day being the 'hard man' of British politics, what better way to unwind than with this creamy, refreshing cocktail? Please note: the bananas in this recipe have not arrived here from foreign parts in a bid to steal the jobs and houses of genuine British fruit.

• 1 scoop of Banana Ice Cream


• 1 scoop of Vanilla Ice Cream


• 1/3 glass of Milk


• ½ Banana


• 2 measures of Vodka


• 1 measure of White Rum


• Grated coconut

Frost a long glass by dipping it in sugar and water, then leave to dry. Use a blender to mix the ice creams, the milk and the banana until smooth. Pour into the glass. Add vodka and the shot of white rum. Mix well and top with grated coconut.

Nice warming idea for a cocktail, but with absolutely no bite at all. Originally contained a lot of really good ingredients, but got whittled down to this ...

• 1 measure of Dark Rum


• 1 measure of Drambuie


• 2 dashes of Angostura Bitters (DDA - geddit?)


• ½ measure of Orange Juice


• ½ measure of Lemon Juice


• 3 ice cubes


• 1 teaspoon of Caster Sugar

Put ice cubes in cocktail shaker. Add rum, orange and lemon juices, Angostura Bitters and sugar. Shake until a frost forms on the outside of the shaker. Strain into a cocktail glass. Decorate with banana slices and pineapple cubes.

Get sand in those cogs and pebbles in your tyres. This cocktail is very appealing, but perhaps a more difficult ride than you had imagined!

• ½ measure of Vodka


• ½ measure of Peach Schnapps


• 1 measure of Cranberry Juice


• 1 measure of Orange Juice


• 1 measure of Pineapple Juice


• 3 ice cubes


• Cocktail cherry, to decorate

Put vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry, orange and pineapple juices into a cocktail shaker with the ice. Shake thoroughly. Pour into a tall glass, decorate with cocktail cherry and serve with a straw.

Scream baby, scream. Soothing smooth alcoholic comfort to knock you from spasm into velvetty chasm (it rhymed, OK?) Ask a friend to make as many as possible and line them up in the fridge.

• 1 measure of Vodka


• ½ measure of Kahlua (coffee liqueur)


• 2 measures of Irish Cream liqueur


• 3 ice cubes

Place the ice cubes into a tall glass. Pour in the vodka, followed by the Irish Cream and then the Kahlua.

A defiantly old-fashioned cocktail in honour of the defiantly old-fashioned Invacar. Should not be consumed whilst driving the vehicle, obviously. If you're one of those thoroughly modern types with a turbo-charged Motability Ford Fiesta and go-faster stripes, you may prefer something a little more racey.

• 1½ measures of Grand Marnier


• 1½ measures of Advocaat


• 2 measures of Milk


• 3 ice cubes

Place ice in the bottom of a tall glass. Build the cocktail by adding the Grand Marnier, then the Advocaat. Stir while pouring in the milk so that the cocktail is well-mixed.

Ouch cannot be held responsible for any ill-effects you may experience as a result of trying out these cocktails. In other words, don't blame your hangovers on us, OK?