The third name on the Christmas card

18th January 2009

My parents sent and received over 150 Christmas cards in December and got the same, if not more, back in return. My dad was so proud of his annual display that he insisted I inspect them - each and every one of them. He pointed out his favourites, the way he’d arranged them on cotton strands or on shelves according to theme, shape and importance. I was riveted.

Close-up of a person writing a message in a Christmas card

I started to read the cards - most of the names I didn’t recognise, most of the writing I couldn’t understand - and noticed that the majority of them were addressed “to Pat, Peter and Elizabeth”. That's me. This realisation didn’t sit right. Although I’ve not lived with my parents for almost 20 years, 127 of their Christmas cards included my name in the greeting. I couldn’t help but wonder the obvious: is this because I’m a crip?

Was I just being over sensitive? Maybe being disabled had nothing to do with the fact that I was being grafted onto my parents' Christmas cards? But what other reason could there be?

I came up with a frankly genius way of checking my hypothesis - how many of them carried the name of my non-disabled brother? Well, there were no Christmas cards addressed to “Pat, Peter and Jonathan". Not one. It seemed I was right.

Apart from disability, there is of course another difference between me and my brother which may explain why I receive the card treatment and he doesn’t. He is married, and I am not. I wonder if once you’re married you are allowed to graduate from being your parents’ child to becoming an adult in your own right? My brother has passed this rite of passage; clearly, I have not.

And there lies the crux of this dilemma: as a disabled person, the presumption is that I’m not married, that I will never marry or be in a committed relationship. It doesn’t matter how old I am, what my marital status may be or even whether I have children of my own - to some it seems that I will always be defined as a child, my parents' daughter and the third name on the Christmas card.

The impact of these attitudes, however, extends way beyond the humble Christmas card. In the Carr family, for example, we normally only buy Christmas gifts for our nearest, dearest and any children under 18. I, however, still receive presents, money or book tokens from my aunties and uncles - and I’m 36. I guess there are at least some advantages to being seen as the oldest kid on the block.

The greatest irony is that, when I do visit my parents over Christmas, I seem to regress. I become a child, and we all revert to type. Mum and dad spoil me, they worry about me and wrap me in cotton wool for the duration of my visit. I willingly submit and get quite accustomed to my mum doing my laundry, to being tucked up in bed and to a nightly can of Shandy Bass.

I enjoyed many a family gathering this Christmas - I ate bowlfuls of homemade trifle, I struggled to remember my relatives’ names, and I became acutely aware that no one ever asks me about relationships.

I have a fairly big family and am one of ten cousins. Out of that ten, there are now only three of us who are unmarried. I am the only one of this trio who lives with a partner - yet it was the other two, and not me, who were asked if they had a 'special lady' in their life. I was dying for someone to ask me if I had a 'special lady', too ... but of course, no one ever did.

My cousin foolishly admitted that yes, he was seeing a ‘nice girl’. Within seconds, my relatives pounced on him like a pack of gossip-hungry feral cats, asking "Can we expect the sound of wedding bells anytime soon?", "Should I buy a new hat?" and singing, "he’s getting married in the morning". He caved in and revealed that he is in fact engaged, with a wedding date set for the summer of 2009.

When the excitement had died down, and the conversation finally turned to me, the content was not exactly a certificate 18 rating; it wasn’t even a PG. No, definitely more a U. The family asked me about my health, they asked if that was a new wheelchair, and I was told that I was looking well. They then enquired after my ‘carers’, asking if they had anyone special in their lives.

And so the family Carr has a wedding to look forward to later this year. The invites have already been sent out. My mum and dad have just received theirs. It is, of course, addressed: “To Pat, Peter and Elizabeth” ...

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Comments

1. At 3:05pm on 19 Jan 2009, shaunpilkington wrote:
I have MS but was diagnosed a month before I got married. I've not lived at home for 12 year, more if you count University, so maybe that's why parents don't get such cards and I get my own in my own right (well to me and the missus) since we *send* our own cards to these relatives and friends.

The true test won't be your brother, Liz, it will be your unmarried female friends who have lived at home beyond the age of 20!

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2. At 3:27pm on 19 Jan 2009, Wheelie EDSer wrote:
I'm still listed on some of my parents' cards, but mainly those from people who still think of me as "little Flash" and don't realise that I'm now in my thirties. Disability doesn't come into it.

And let's face it, isn't it cheaper for your parents to send cards to those people (and sign it "and Elizabeth") so you can save yours for your real friends, and sign them "Liz and partner"?

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3. At 4:04pm on 19 Jan 2009, Agent_Fang wrote:
Surely you're being too sensitive, Liz? Look on the bright side.

Maybe you get mentioned in the cards because you're famous now and living in fancy London? They want to be able to tell their friends, 'Oh yes, I know Liz Carr - I always send her a Christmas card!' Sad to say it, but maybe your brother just isn't important enough to merit a mention... And as for a partner, they probably just assume you have groupies and aren't be going to be settling down with a nice girl anytime soon.

Whatever the reason, as long as you get your parents to add your name on their card, you'll save stamps, effort, and family friends trying to flog any card sent by you to autograph hunters. It's a win-win situation!

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4. At 10:15pm on 19 Jan 2009, batsgirl wrote:
At first, I thought of my family: mum, stepdad, younger (but chronologically adult) sister. When my sister is dating someone long-term, I write two cards - one to mum and stepdad, one to sister and boyfriend. When she's single, I write one card - to mum, stepdad and sister.

But then I found the clue to what's more likely in your case. 150 cards. That's some serious organisation. To me that says that the recipients have an entry in their Christmas Card Book that says "Carr: Pat, Peter and Elizabeth" and only a funeral will warrant an edit.

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5. At 9:45pm on 19 Jan 2009, Gaina wrote:
Haha, as long there's a tenner in there for you, say *nothing*!! Haha.

It is quite peeving when people make certain assumptions about what you can and can't do, or what kind of lifestyle you have because you're a disabled person, but that's just an excuse to shock them when they find out what you've gone and done!

I am not usually terribly sensitive about that kind of thing but there was one incident that did get my goat...

A few months ago my dentist stopped sending me private correspondence when it was time for a check-up and put me on my Mum's letter instead. That did make me feel that a certain assumption had been made about my individuality as a human being. So, I politely asked if I could have my own correspondence like I used to. Some people will 'get it' and some people won't - you just have to do what's right for yourself.

So, yeah decide what's really important to you and fight that corner but let it go when it's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I mean who cares if your Grandma thinks you still wear 'Teletubbies' pyjamas when in reality you're tucked up in bed with your significant other in a fetching little silk number? As long as you know the truth, you're fine :).

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6. At 9:50pm on 19 Jan 2009, Gaina wrote:
This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.
7. At 3:59pm on 21 Jan 2009, valbear wrote:
This made me smile. Everyone apart from my mum is disabled in our family, but it still happens. Ages after me and my brother moved out we were still added to the cards. But my married sister didn't get mentioned, so I think its likely to be the marriage thing rather than disability. I started sending cards to all the Aunts and Uncles so now get them in my own right, but a lot are still send to my parents even though I put my address on the card every year!

I'm getting married in November, so lets see what hapens with the card situation.

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8. At 2:47pm on 24 Jan 2009, Sir Cumference wrote:
I suspect a lot of people think that if your have a disabled child you will live with them forever.

Re Christmas cards. A charity I once belonged to used to send a card to its members, stamped "FROM YOUR FRIENDS AT ...."

I asked why they did this. With trembling voice, someone explained "For some people (gulp) it's the only card they get..."

Frankly, if Xmas cards meant that much to me, and the only one I got was a corporate job stamped by a machine, I'd probably end it all.

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9. At 6:11pm on 29 Jan 2009, Pump_Kin wrote:
hs it's a nightmare isn't it! Sounds very familiar. I tend to take it all in my stride now, but when I do actually get asked about my love life I'm either pathetically single orwith someone but things aren't working out. The card thing is just something that older people do. My brother gets included on cards again when he is single. He is 26 and living back with my Mum, which I'm smugly enjoying right now!

Gatherings can be awkward with family too as they all party with topped up glasses and I have to ask at least three people for a refill. Worst still, they often ok it with my mother first!! Arrrgghh. I try to avoid such occasions now and opt to go out with my m8s instead and have a good old sup!! :d

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10. At 6:12pm on 10 Feb 2009, Herabird wrote:
It could be as simple as the sender not having your address, only your parents....but wanted to be sure to include you in their holiday greetings. I do it all the time, and hopefully the recipient shows the card to everyone it's addressed to and I make sure to put a notation inside such as "please tell Mary hi for me." :)

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