Disability Bitch vs insults

Well, much as I HATE RANDOM PUT-DOWNS, I decided they were women of no importance and walked home with my head held high, only falling over three times, mainly due to pot-holes in the pavement. Who were they to judge me! No one, that's who.

Once safely ensconced on the sofa with a glass of milk and my taxpayer-funded sugary snack, I switched on the news whilst nursing my bruises. But it was all okay: here I was, watching Jon Snow, high-minded and well-cultured, the rudeness of those two unimportant, insignificant old ladies far behind me. That was until the face of the President of the United States, Barack Obama, appeared on my screen. I still get a little thrill when I think of him mentioning disabled people in his election victory speech. Except - what's this?! - Obama is on the news not because he has selflessly given every single disabled person in his country fifty thousand dollars tax free, but because he has berated disabled people in front of an audience of millions.

Yup. He stated on the popular NBC Jay Leno chat show that his dreadful bowling average was "like the special Olympics or something". Um ....... okay.

Two things: 1) No, Mr Obama, it's not like the Special Olympics. There are Special Olympic bowlers who are plenty better than you, including this chap here. You are not even good enough for the Special O, you are worse than them. 2) It's a well known fact that I, Disability Bitch, hate disability sport with all my heart - that includes the Special Olympics - but I, Mr Obama, am just a Bitch and not, y'know, President of a country with the largest and most technologically powerful economy in the world. As if it wasn't bad enough that two local old ladies saw fit to laugh at me, now the Leader of the Free World is having a pop as well. That sucks.

Needless to say, he apologised almost immediately, claiming: "the Special Olympics is a wonderful program that gives an opportunity for people with disabilities from around the world." Ha! I nearly choked on my own vomit there.

The Leader of the Free World dissing cripples! Imagine that! I almost called the Equality and Human Rights Commission to put in a complaint, and then I realised they can do absolutely nothing about it, though maybe Trevor Phillips will put in a call to the White House, threatening Obama with whatever it is the EHRC threaten people with. A stiff word, maybe?

Anyway, not falling for this sickly apology, I switched off the TV and tore the 'Yes We Can!' Obama posters off my bedroom wall. Seeking solace in music, I dug out my old Bright Eyes CD and put it on full blast, closing my eyes and humming along. Just as I was getting to the cool bit about dead rabbits, I was rudely interrupted by my mobile phone. It was my No-Legged friend telling me to burn all Art Garfunkel artefacts immediately, before he slammed the phone down.

Not sure what had brought on this rage in him, I did a little internet research and discovered that indeed there had been 'an incident' between Art and a disabled fan at a recent New York gig. Quite what happened depends on which version of events currently flying around the internet you care to believe, but the gist of it all is that as well as playing songs, Art was reading poetry. Some of his poetry was interrupted by 'noises', noises which proved to be emanating from a disabled audience member. There is disagreement about how disruptive these 'noises' were, but what allegedly happened next is that Art stopped to say he had sympathy with the handicapped - paraphrased - but that he was "trying to do a show". The disabled person and his companion duly left the concert.

Oh. My. God. First, I'm insulted in my local shop. Second, the President of the United States insults the disabled. Third, I become nervous about attending easy listening concerts in case I make an involuntary spaz noise and the artiste makes a fuss about it. I'm going to lock my front door, unplug my TV, and never leave the house or communicate with the outside world ever again.

In the meantime, I'm running a sweepstake on who will be next to randomly humiliate disabled people for no reason: Nelson Mandela perhaps? Ban Ki-Moon? The Dalai Lama? Truly, readers, after this week it seems that anything is possible.

To be honest, after the farce of the week I've had, Heather's not looking so bad. But just when I thought the most exciting thing she did this week was show a film crew around her new non-fish restaurant, one of my treasured Facebook buddies informed me that Heather had been seen in Carlisle opening a new mobility shop, where she took the opportunity to tell the assembled crowd that disabled people don't have to sit at home. Thanks, Heather! You advocate, you.

As well as keeping me posted on Heather's latest antics, this week my Facebook chums have informed me that rock singer Neil Young has a number of disabled children and would probably welcome us to any concerts. That's worth knowing, especially if you're off to Glastonbury this year, where he's headlining. You too can become part of my merry throng, by becoming my friend.