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Disability Bitch vs sexual intercourse

29th October 2008

Readers, I must warn those of a delicate sensibility to turn away now. Because I’m going to talk about sex. Sex.
A couple embracing and kissing
Before you come over all morally outraged, the first thing I should say is that I HATE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, and not just because I went to mainstream school and all the sex education videos involved cartoons of able-bodied people doing very athletic things with other able-bodied people, leaving me convinced that my only viable career option was to join a convent.

No, my hatred of sex has been intensified this week thanks to those kindly people at The Observer newspaper, who surveyed the nation and discovered that only 4 per cent of the population will admit to having got down and dirty with a physically disabled person. Well, when I say they ‘surveyed the nation’, the small print in fact reveals that they asked a sample of 1,044 UK adults, which means that about 42 of them were prepared to acknowledge the deed.

At this point, I feel the need to state for the record that I question this result. I, Disability Bitch, have personally shagged at least 43 able-bodied people. Or rather, they looked able-bodied to me. Frankly, it’s difficult to tell in the dark - and anyway, I was having sex with them at the time, not giving them an army style fitness test. In future, I might see if I can get a grant for doing such valuable research.

I will also add that in the moments following the heat of passion, at least 42 of these 43 people have rolled over, wiped their mouth, flung an arm around me and declared, “Oh Bitch! You’re so good at this sex stuff! It’s like you’re not spazzed up at all! I don’t think of you as disabled!” Clearly, if I admitted the extent of my disability then I’d never see them again. So I tell them that I only pretend to be a cripple to get a good supply of potent drugs on the NHS. This means that the Normies I’ve had aren’t going to lay claim to a crippled conquest if asked.

Meanwhile, 70 per cent of those surveyed said that they wouldn’t consider having sex with a physically disabled person – I assume they’re happily copulating with the mentals, of course – with only a meagre 26 per cent generously stating that they ‘would not rule out’ the possibility of getting busy with a handicapper. Woo! That’s 1 in 4 people! 1 in 4! Can we get them to wear badges or something? It would be most helpful. Maybe a glow in the dark sticker for use on my local common after midnight.
Disability Bitch blowing a big kiss
However, I can’t help wondering why that whopping 70 per cent of people aren’t into the idea. What’s the problem? Well, for a start, none of them have met me. I do realise that most people think of us disableds as fragile and delicate and sexless. Do they think it would just be a bit offensive and rude to admit to considering a bit of crip sex in your life? Come to think of it, they probably imagined that the strange people phoning them up asking questions about their sex lives weren’t researchers from The Observer at all. No, they probably thought the callers were policemen, checking up on them. They were scared.
So I’d like to say, honest to God, having sex with disableds is not illegal. You don’t end up on any kind of register if you do it. Promise. And sometimes it can be quite fun.

Note to the doubters: I can get my right knee into positions that your able-bodied partners can only dream about. You know where to find me.

MillsWatch

Y’know, it’s very possible that The Observer would’ve got a different result entirely if they had asked 1,044 people whether they’d consider sex with Heather Mills. But I guess they’d think that was sleazy and tabloid. The Observer is highbrow, you know. Anyway, reports this week claim that Heather’s spent almost all her £10 million divorce settlement money in just seven months. I’m sure it’s just her way of supporting the global economy in this time of recession.

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Comments

    • 1. At 4:07pm on 30 Oct 2008, undue_haste wrote:

      "... at least 42 of these 43 people have rolled over, wiped their mouth, flung an arm around me".

      Yeah, so what did the 43rd do? Your adoring public demands to know, DB!

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    • 2. At 5:40pm on 30 Oct 2008, OldIronBaz wrote:

      Firstly why do it in the dark? god unless your miner with a lamp fumbling and feeling for a bra clip in the dark is like looking for a needle in a haystack. No this disability thing is plain stupid why is it different, firstly from a male point of view, I bet there as many of the A/B's who cannot get a erection as a disabled male, so what is the difference?
      The plain fact from my personal point of view is this for what it worth.
      I know due to my spine damage that now I am in the lap of the gods if I get a stiffie and then how long will it last like that, in most cases I seldom get a barbers pole, but what I am aiming for is to please my wife a 100% I can do others things just as well and I got ways to make her that it was as good as full sex. We always touch and feel and rub tenderly our bodies and we say if a habd needs to moved to gain a bit more pleasure. I also have my sex nurse who assited me after I left hospital to get for both of us the best out of sex, right to the point of what blue pill works better for me if I want one. Yes I be truthful when I first tried sex after my accident I went right in to a miserable strop because I was as limp as McDonald lettuce, and we had some right old words mostly from her was tenderness from me why me tell me, but time has sorted it out and also this wonderful nurse who has spoken to the both of us and given my wife plenty of advise. But frankly she does not consider making love to me as odd or to a disabled man. The only one thing we both needed to sort out was the fact that due to the huge metal frame work placed in my back she was dam scared I was do damge to my self but I have shown it does not and we do not need to go at it like rabbits to get the end result. No sex is truly the most wonderful thing with the right person even if your disabled

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    • 3. At 8:10pm on 30 Oct 2008, auntie CtheM wrote:

      As it is estimated that at least 10 million people in the UK are disabled, this survey seems somewhat limited.

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    • 4. At 8:52pm on 30 Oct 2008, Danoize wrote:

      Well I guess The Observer did'nt asked the right people. As a disabled producer/musician with Erbs Palsy, The use of only one arm hasnt limited my sexual prowess. Perhaps it has made me a bit more creative in making love. It's just another stigma the normies have. As a disabled musician I face the same thing in the music industry. I was the first artist signed to Jive Records back in the early 80's, but because it is an image driven industry I have been kept out of mainstream. I guess they can't see an disabled person in a deep love scene in a video. I havent had any complaints from my lovers....I just take the time to find out what makes them happy what turns them on....whisper or sing a few words in their ear...and let it happen naturally.....I just come prepared to please my partner...I take it very seriously....I know I have to work harder than that next guy.....and I am willing......

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    • 5. At 1:19pm on 31 Oct 2008, jgee21 wrote:

      My only comments are if you've slept with at least 43 able-bodied people, aren't you giving us disabled girls a bad name? ;)

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    • 6. At 1:44pm on 31 Oct 2008, Mhadaidh wrote:

      Was David Blunkett in any of these surveys :)

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    • 7. At 10:40am on 03 Nov 2008, NeilShelbyLong wrote:

      Don't forget that the 70% who wouldn't, have probably all read biographies by the likes of Chantelle and are avid followers of Big Brother, X Factor, Make me a Mindless Celebrity etc. and believe that it's real life. Just because the survey was carried out for or by the Observer, doesn't mean those surveyed actually read the Observer, or indeed can actually read.

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    • 8. At 10:49am on 03 Nov 2008, NeilShelbyLong wrote:

      Don't forget that the 70% who said they wouldn't, have all probably read Chantelle's biography, are avid followers of Big Brother, X-Factor, Make Me a Mindless Minor Celebrity and believe that it's 'real' life. Just because the survey was carried out by or for the Observer, doesn't mean those surveyed actually read the paper, or indeed can actually read.

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