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Disability Bitch improves your mind

16th October 2008

Yes, I know. If I were a lazy and offensive comedian, by rights I should be making tasteless and ill-informed jokes about how deaf people want the right to use telephones this week. What next? Blind people watching television? Ha Ha. Let's not give these deafs ideas, they'll be complaining they can't hear the radio soon. Or maybe I should remark on news that scientists reckon you can move paralysed limbs with the power of your mind. But I've always said that quadriplegics are nothing but lazy anyway - especially the ones who aren't paralympians.
A model of a brain
Readers, I have good news. Great news, in fact. Reading my column here on Ouch! is good for your health.
It's true. Scientists with nothing better to do have discovered that surfing the internet is good for the brain. Better, in fact, than reading books or any of those old twentieth century methods of entertainment. You can tell from all the pictures of people's brains lit up in interesting ways if you click on the article. See them shine.
You know what this means? This means I, Disability Bitch, help prevent you, the reader, from getting age related dementia. I hope you're going to say thank you.
I've always said I HATE OLD-FASHIONED ENTERTAINMENT and, if nothing else, this new research proves there is no point going out, exercising or wasting valuable effort speaking to people when you can just sit at home surfing the internet and Facebooking all your virtual friends. It's good for you, dammit.
Disabled people have known for years that, come the revolution, we'll all be brains in jars - it's what Darwin predicted. There is no point going to the gym all day to reach peak physical fitness. That's irrelevant. Evolution dictates that in years to come things like arms and legs and heads will be utterly useless - we'll be reduced to vital organs and shrunken into jars, like some kind of human Damian Hirst sculpture. Fact.
Our humanistic futuristic friends won't be going to the gym, ya know. They'll be surfing the internet and reading sarcastic columns on their mind-expanding computers. My Disability Bitch column prepares us all for that day, several generations too early. Pass me on to your children, readers, you know it's the right thing to do. Course, disability won't exist then but you can't have everything.


What's this! One legged Heather Mills has stepped out in over-the-knee PVC boots? Well, she's going to have to try harder to get my attention now that my favourite headline grabbing handicapper, that silver-topped stick-user Leslie Ash, is back on the scene, heading out in far more sensible footwear.

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