Disability Bitch wants a first class NHS

Readers, this week's news agenda has rightly been dominated by the earthquake in Japan and, more confusingly, by a sudden revelation that the cast of one of the UK's favourite television dramas lacks ethnic diversity - Midsomer Murders has been going for fourteen series yet no one noticed that all the actors are white until three days ago.

With so many other things to talk about, I worry that some important news stories affecting the lives of disabled people will slip under the radar.

There are two such stories in recent days: firstly, the Welfare Reform Bill passed its second reading in parliament and is inching closer to becoming law; also, the British Medical Association held an emergency meeting - its first in twenty years - because members are worried about government plans to reform the NHS.

Now, this last thing is intriguing because the BMA is, basically, a bunch of GPs, and the main premise of the proposed NHS reforms is to give those GPs more control over health finances, and cut some bureaucrats out of the middle.

I'm over-simplifying, obviously; the detail of what's being proposed is rather complicated - I'm still peeling my exploded brain off the wall just trying to understand it. Nevertheless, readers, I can't help feeling that somewhere along the line we Disableds have been overlooked in all this.

I'm sure I've mentioned before that I HATE THE NHS, except for the part where I love it because it's saved my little crippled life a few times. I don't mean to cast aspersions but it does get kinda boring when you have a chronic health condition and have to suffer a five months wait for an appointment with a specialist because you're not at death's door.

So, if the new NHS improved my experience, I'd be quite delighted. I'm just not entirely sure I want my GP to run it because he can barely operate the radiator in his surgery.

Frankly, I think the doctors should remember who keeps them in business. Yup, without us, the long term medically abnormal and older people, no one employed in the medical professions would have a job.

Readers, I think it's time they thanked us for it.

They should show their gratitude by putting us in charge of the health service. Well, more specifically, me.

There are simple mundane changes I would make: y'know, hiring more staff to reduce waiting lists, improving cleanliness, and forcing everyone with medical training to smile and say Please and Thank You when dealing with their patients ... or should we be saying 'customers now?

Perhaps I should also create some training modules like: 'Social Skills in Practice' and 'Basic Politeness'.

I could introduce a special ego-shattering 'Learn That You Are Not God' course for any doctor wishing to progress to consultant level or beyond, especially neurologists.

Your ideas for training modules welcome on my Facebook page. Thank you.

Meanwhile, I do feel that, as an acknowledgement of our importance to the NHS as a whole, we long-termers should be rewarded with VIP waiting areas: a good kind of segregation, if you like.

I am not a monster. I understand that doctors sometimes have emergencies to deal with and we'll have no choice but to wait our turn. I simply feel that we should be treated well while we are there: no more sticky plastic or dubiously-upholstered chairs for us, when I run the NHS the chronically sick and disabled will wait blissfully on velvet-covered chaise longues, tended to by personal chefs and highly trained masseuses because we're there so often and need to have it as a kind of home-from-home. Yes, realistic stuff, basically.

These are just a few of my ideas, readers, and I'm sure you can see their benefits. Think about it: who would you rather have running the NHS? Politicians? Bureaucrats? Doctors? Or me, Disability Bitch? C'mon, the answer's obvious.

This week on my bi-partite social networking empire, last week's column where I wrote about laughing at how Ableds use the internet has been shared more widely than any before it, and I've gained dozens of followers.

Follow me on Twitter or like me on Facebook.

This week, my Twitter followers informed me that there have been some disabled characters on Midsomer Murders, though at least one of them wasn't played by a disabled actor. See, readers, see how much social networking can enhance your life. Read and learn.