Disability Bitch vs TV talent shows

Sitting here writing a column for the BBC about how much I hate everyone in the entire known universe is all well and good, but it's not, y'know, a talent. It's nothing that would impress impresarios like, say, Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan. Of course, I would be very happy to stand on a stage and tell Simon and Piers exactly how much I hated them, but I don't suppose that such an act would win me a series of ITV's Britain's Got Talent, although I would like to try it one day just to see how far I get before I'm dragged off wailing.

You know where this is going, don't you readers? Yes, 100 million people around the world have seen this clip on YouTube, and you are very likely to be one of them. Don't panic, I'm not going to hate Susan Boyle, the overnight singing sensation and star of the aforementioned talent show umpired by Simon, Piers and their glamorous-mate-who-cries-all-the-time, Amanda Holden. In fact, I happen to think that Susan is rather marvellous, and not just because she's mentioned in a few interviews that she has a learning disability.

However, it's true that I HATE TALENT SHOWS. All of them. Every single one. I've hated them ever since I clapped eyes on Kerry McGregor, the wheelchair-using singer who made it to the finals of The X Factor back in 2006, and nothing in the intervening years has done much to change my opinion; not even when it emerged that Tre Azam, business whiz and star of The Apprentice a few years back, was disabled following a car accident; not even when I noticed that Jordan, one of the child stars of current BBC Two series The Speaker – they're going to find the best young public speaker in the UK, in case that passed you by – has cerebral palsy. No, not even then.

I'll tell you why I hate these shows. I hate them because, although the individuals involved are far more talented and useful human beings than I will ever be, the public reaction to them is nothing short of depressing. Take Susan Boyle. She marched onto the Britain's Got Talent stage having been set up as some kind of joke contestant, even before she swivelled her hips at Simon Cowell.

Having been roundly mocked by the panel, the lady proved to have an amazing voice. And everyone was astonished. The public interest led to further interviews in which she revealed her disability, which led to even more interest, which led to Susan Boyle appearing on tabloid front pages more often than Heather Mills. And Heather Mills appears on tabloid front pages a lot.

My question, readers, is this: why are people so astonished when they discover either that 1) a disabled person is actually talented; or 2) a talented person is actually disabled? While it's very lovely that one of our number is making the headlines for something other than committing benefit fraud, it does speak volumes about the low level of expectation that the public has for disabled people in general. I had to eat an extra packet of doughnuts when I realised that.

Depressing, isn't it? I do, however, have a plan. You see, Normal People have always loved to watch Abnormal People. Back in the days before the welfare state, the most lucrative career option for weird looking folk was to appear in freak shows. It's hardly surprising that Susan Boyle is officially a more popular YouTube destination than my newfound enemy and Special Olympics hater Barack Obama. It's nothing new. Disabled people are fascinating, and everyone loves to watch us. So let's take advantage.

Yes, all this time I've been allowing myself to get a bit sweaty-palmed about the fact that Prime Minister Gordon Brown is – technically - a bit disabled, thinking that having a handicapper in this position of political power will be a good thing for disabled people in the long run. Well, I admit it. I've been wrong all along. What we need to do is not run for office, but put ourselves forward for popular television shows. If disabled people want to capture the attention of millions of people, we don't need to become politicians. We need to become talent show heroes. Readers, get yourself to karaoke and start practising.

Oh no. According to my friends at the Daily Star, Heather Mills has vowed to scrub the internet of rumours about her before her daughter's twelfth birthday. Since I have an internet column almost entirely devoted to her, I assume that means me. It's only a matter of time before she comes knocking. I'm living in fear. Help me, readers, help me! Meanwhile, Piers Morgan – one of the objects of derision in my column this very week – has written a rant about Heather Mills on his website. That's my job, Piers! Obviously I am outraged and considering legal action.

Over the past week, hundreds of my virtual friends have used my Facebook page to extend their virtual love to Stephen Hawking, King of Disabled People, who has been very seriously ill in hospital. Get well soon, Prof! Become my friend and keep up to date with my latest Bitchy thought processes here.