Disability Bitch vs Presidents

Nevertheless, there's nothing like a significant global event to awaken the wellspring of hate which curdles deep within my soul. You should know that I HATE PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATIONS. Of course I do.

For a start, President Obama didn't think to mention Disableds in his inaugural speech. He showed so much promise back in November, when he won the election. Back then, we were one of the first groups of people to get a namecheck in his victory address, and I really thought I might not have to hate him. But - oh! - by inauguration day, President Obama had forgotten about us and was discussing piddling little issues such as Guantanamo Bay, the Middle East and global recession. It's almost as if these things are more important to him than handicappers. We're doomed.

While the world was diverted by the fashion choices of Obama's wife Michelle, my eye was drawn in an entirely different direction. Yes, I found myself gazing in wonderment at outgoing Vice President and cack-handed quail hunter Dick Cheney. Instead of the bright, sparkling gowns and expensive footwear worn by Michelle, he'd chosen to accessorise with a wheelchair. But his ensemble was not as skilfully planned as the First Lady's outfits.

It seems Dick had pulled a muscle in his back while moving boxes out of the White House. Wait up though, Bitch fans, I don't hate him for that; let's face it, there are better reasons to hate Dick Cheney than the fact he did himself an impromptu injury. No, what I hate is the way the world responded to it.

One American commentator wasted no time in claiming that the ex-VeeP's use of the mobility aid was "a metaphor for the low esteem with which he's held in this country". The British hacks got the same idea, with a Times journo agreeing that the sight was "a helpful metaphor as to the state of the outgoing administration, not to mention the country". Another, from The Independent, commented: "A cynic might say that the mode of transport provided a perfect visual metaphor for the outgoing administration". Clearly, the pundits at the Daily Express were feeling more poetic. I had a tear in my eye when I read that "[Cheney] appeared slumped, in pain, broken. It was a potent metaphor for a country equally debilitated; mired in war and facing an uncertain economic future".

Um. Blimey. I was unaware until reading all this that using a mobility aid signified so many disastrous things. There was I thinking that a wheelchair was nothing more than a useful means of getting around when one's body fails to co-operate with one's life. Apparently I've been wrong all this time, and in fact it signifies total economic meltdown and failure. I stand corrected and have since been looking at all my Abnormal friends in a new light. I'm certainly not going to trust them with my handbag or lend them any money.

To be honest, I'm glad the commentators spelt out what the wheelchair symbolises. If they hadn't done so, I would've imagined Cheney's injury represented other things more commonly associated with disabled people. Perhaps that America was incontinent, useless, committing benefit fraud and leeching off the state. Good luck, President Obama.

News just in: Verne Troyer is not the only disabled housemate. As I type, I am watching the Celebrity Big Brother live feed, and Terry Christian is DEFINITELY wearing a bandage on one arm. It's a metaphor, I tell you!

Whatever. This time next week, it'll all be over. In the previous seven days, Verne has eaten his entire body weight in honey and given himself the squits with chillies. He also got drunk, hit on La Toya Jackson and ram-raided the diary room door with his mobility scooter. This last incident led to the greatest tabloid headline ever - 'Now Channel 4 gets a Dwarf Drunk on television' in the Daily Mail. This will accompany past headlines for the network, which have included: 'pornographer-in-chief' and 'Channel Bore'. Hurrah for the moral majority ... shame on you Channel 4 for allowing a short person to, um, live like everyone else does. Oh, and good luck with the public service thing.

Meanwhile, maverick politician Tommy Sheridan has been kicked out of the house. He told Davina that, despite not really having talked to Verne that much, he was his 'favourite' housemate, and he wants him to win because "he's got a lot of courage". At least, I think that's what he said; I was too busy throwing up into the palms of my hands.

Face it, in two days Celebrity Big Brother will be over and your life will be empty again. Feel free to become my Facebook friend. All your other virtual friends will be under the impression that you're more popular than you actually are. Result.