Disability Bitch vs farm animals

Yes, I HATE FARM ANIMALS, and I was so concerned for the welfare of the man who was formerly the second most powerful visually impaired person in Britain - coming in just behind Gordon Brown, in case you were wondering – that I put in a call to his parliamentary office, intending to pass on my warmest regards.

As soon as I got talking to the pleasant young man who answered the phone, I realised that I was very lost about the exact details of this whole incident. According to reports, the politician and his dog, Sadie, were in a field, a cow charged at one or other of them and Blunkett ended up on the floor with lots of painful bruising and a broken rib. Frankly, most of my late night trips to the bathroom end in similar injuries, but I digress.

It was a confusing story. For one thing, I wasn’t entirely sure how many cows were involved. See, according to The Times, he was charged by a "herd of cows" - an entire herd! - whereas the ever reliable Farmers’ Weekly had him being "trampled". Ow, that's got to hurt. And The Sun thought the dog was chased by an "enraged herd of cattle". Just to make matters even more complicated, my blind chums confirmed that you wouldn’t ordinarily use a guide dog to get you through a field – it just wouldn’t work – and you’d generally rely on a human companion for help in such a situation. Yes, readers, I hate to break it to you, but it seems that guide dogs don’t have a mystical sixth sense which enables them to psychically predict where their owners would like to end up, and they're not necessarily all-terrain beasts either. I know. I was disappointed too. I was sure they could fly and read maps.

But anyway, the story didn’t make sense. Thankfully, my call to Mr Blunkett's Westminster office helped to clarify matters. First, there was certainly a herd of cows in the field, but only one of them - a singular cow - actually ran at his dog. Second, the guide dog was not leading her owner through the field at the time; she had, in fact, been exercising and had just been put back in her harness. Third, this isn’t a story about a brave man and his guide dog alone in a field; the MP's adult son was present as well. And lastly, Mr Blunkett goes to this particular field all the time to give his dog a run. It turns out that people get charged by cows all the time too, especially when there are calves around. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So, readers, I've been trying to work out what would happen if another politician – but this time a fully able one - got injured in similar circumstances. I’m sure, at the very least, the papers would let loose some bad puns about political bullocks or something. Is it just me who detects more than a hint of mawkishness in some of the reports because there’s a cute furry helper animal involved?

Most of the reports mention fairly early on that Blunkett is blind. I decided I could forgive them for that, since it was his guide dog that caused the incident and, y’know, in that context the blindness thing is for once a little bit relevant. Maybe. But not all the papers could leave it there. One of the reports called Sadie his "beloved labrador-cross". At least two of the broadsheets went with describing the dog as "trusted". That’s fine, yeah, except that Blunkett’s GP fiancée is mentioned in several of the reports too – she got him checked out by a specialist afterwards - and at no point is she ever described as 'trusted' or 'beloved’, even though I suspect Blunkett likes her more than his dog. Though I could be wrong - I didn’t check that bit with the researcher. I also know at least one guide dog owner who really doesn’t get on with his animal and I, personally, wouldn’t trust a dog that had just caused me to be knocked over by a speeding cow. Yet somehow, whenever I read about an assistance dog – Blunkett’s or anyone else’s – they are always described in such emotive terms.

All this hyperbole around a disabled person having an accident really grates me, readers. We have them all the time. I got knocked to the ground by a tourist with a giant rucksack this week. I bruised my hip. No, this event didn’t make the national news and yes, I am jealous. This, combined with all the cutesy sentimentality around assistance animals, is probably why Blunkett comes out with appalling jokes to diffuse the situation - “I know the public are furious with politicians, but I didn't realise the anger has spread to Britain's cow population, too,” he says. Oh, my aching ribs. Get well soon, Mr Blunkett.

I forgot to check what Heather’s up to this week, but you can find out for yourself on her Twitter page. I had a quick look. She was saying something about amazing disabled children. I wasn’t really paying attention, because I was too distracted by Michael Jackson’s apparent demand to have a choir full of multi-racial sign language-using children at his forthcoming UK concerts. I have several readers who use sign language; it’s a shame you’re not younger, or I’d dare you all to audition.

Have you ever had an encounter with an enraged farm animal? You can discuss it on my Facebook page! Become my friend here.