Disability Bitch vs blind people

See, the charitable folk at the RNIB have been busy with their calculators, and this week they announced that blindness costs the UK a whooping £6.5 billion a year. Who knew!

Given that shocking revelation, it seems only natural to announce that I HATE BLIND PEOPLE and I'd like to ask that you all please give up sight loss and acquire a cheaper impairment, if you will. There's a recession on, in case you didn't realise. And you know who is footing the cost of your extravagantly expensive disabling condition? It's me, the taxpayer, that's who. Give it back.

I mean, I thought it was bad when we discovered that people with Multiple Sclerosis had a net cost to the British economy of £1.4 billion, but it seems the MS'ers are positively good value compared to the myopic among us. Even the arthritics seem cheap at a price of between £3.8 and £4.75 billion a year - though let's not talk about the newfangled and costly drug treatments they're angling for.

I really, really don't think these organisations consider the impact they might have when they come up with these figures, especially in the current economic climate. There's an election soon and it's only a matter of time before one of the attention-seeking political parties comes up with the idea of deporting anyone with less than perfect vision to an island in the middle of the ocean, where they will cease to trouble ordinary sight-enhanced UK citizens who no longer wish to be bothered by the grim and expensive reality of opticians on every street corner. Just look at the minority parties that got in at the Euro elections! It could happen, readers.

Besides which, I think the RNIB and their ilk are a little confused. They've been campaigning forever and a day to ensure that blind people - who can walk, by the way - are entitled to a higher rate of Disability Living Allowance because of the difficulties they face getting around. That campaign's been won, incidentally. So blind people will get more benefit out of our taxpayer pot from 2011 - hurrah for them. But then the very same people who've been arguing the case that blind people should receive more money from the public purse turn round and act surprised that the unsighted among us would appear to be a massive drain on our national resources. Well, stop bloody campaigning for them to be given more money, you fools!

Readers, although I do want my money back from every blind person reading this column for the cash I've unwittingly been siphoning off in their direction, I've compiled my own study on this issue. I was trying to work out the cheapest way to be crippled. That way, we can all take it into account in our next lives, and maybe find our way toward being economy class handicappers, rather than selfishly hogging all the money with our complex impairment needs.

Somewhat startlingly, my research has also led me to conclude that every single human being on this planet is a drain on resources of one form or another and that we'd all be cheaper dead. Yes, the Normals too. I hope you can see how selfish the very act of being alive is. There's a lesson there for all of us.

This week, Heather has been using her soon-to-be-legendary Twitter page to hit out at claims that she didn't donate all of her Dancing with whe Stars fee to charity, and to tell us all that she's in New York and spending time with kids on the Bronx. Such a jet-setter.

There really is no good reason to become my friend on Facebook. Even so, I have 1365 of them. Some people need to get out more.