Ouch's fearsome Bitch eats famous disabled people for breakfast. And then spits them out again. She tackles other controversial disability topics with all the subtlety of a hammer cracking a nut. Don't say we didn't warn you!
Disability Bitch: thought control
24th February 2011
Oh, readers! You know I hate being the bearer of bad news, but I'm sorry to report there's been another scientific advancement which is going to improve the lives of disabled people. And, yes, I know this happens every week.
According to the report, new scientific innovations mean wheelchair and prosthetic limb users will soon be able to control their mobility devices with their thoughts, sort of. I'm not going to pretend I understand the biology of it. Actually, maybe it's physics? I haven't got a clue, I got chucked out of GCSE science when I almost burnt the school down after an accident involving a lit Bunsen burner and an ill-timed cerebral palsy startle reflex moment, but I'm over that now.
The gist of this revolution is that, via the medium of nerve surgery and some extremely questionable headgear, at some point in the future a physically disabled person's brain signals will be harnessed to power mobility aids so we no longer have to use wheel rims, joysticks or those able-bodied pushers.
So far, so Tomorrow's World.
Well, you know what, I HATE SCIENCE.
Where was science when I had to apply for benefits, get up six flights of stairs to attend job interviews or have an extra three hours in bed because the whole process of life is exhausting if you're disabled? Eh?
Actually science did offer me one thing: I was given a little packet of pills to reduce spasticity in the hope that I'd be perkier. They made me more sleepy, and robbed me of the ability to drink alcohol to boot. They had to go.
So, in order to help disabled people move more efficiently, they want to harness our thoughts, do they? Have they considered the consequences?
I can only assume these white-coated boffins have no idea of the dark and bitter pent-up thoughts lurking at the back of the mind of all disabled people (yes, all of them). Turning our previously hidden semi-evil desires into physical actions will surely only lead to trouble.
Likewise, I'd stay in bed while my robotic self tramped out to the corner shop for doughnuts and milk, and maybe also get it to fill out my Disability Living Allowance application form; let's face it, you need a brain the size of a planet to do that correctly.
As an alternative, if scientists wanted to do something helpful for me, they could always focus their efforts upon reprogramming the minds of the felons who routinely discriminate against me and flout equality laws as I go about my business. Then, science, I'd be impressed.
Facebook / Twitter
Live community panel
Listen to our regular razor sharp talk show online, or subscribe to it as a podcast. Spread the word: it's where disability and reality almost collide.