Disability Bitch taxes the tax-able

7th October 2009

Readers, I've had enough. Last week, it was all about Gordon Brown and the Labour Party. This week, you can't move for David Cameron and the Conservatives. Anyone would think there was a general election next year. I should state for the record that other political parties are available and that I hate them all equally, but this week it's the Tories turn to claim they can save money by shunting people off Incapacity Benefit and into gainful employment or shrinking the payments of those they think should be working.

Let's face it, it's not like every major political party hasn't suggested they could cut the nation's bills by reducing what government hands out to disabled people in recent times. Well, it won't surprise you to learn that I HATE BENEFIT REFORM. You think I'm going to sit here and whinge about it, don't you? But I'm not. There's an election on and it's time for action.

Readers, I'm setting up my own political party, United Bitches (UBitch) and I'm expecting you all to join me. My aim: To save the nation from recession by saving money. My method: To reduce the national debt in ways which don't involve taking resources from disabled people. My slogan: Don't tax the disability, tax the ability.

Yup, TaxAbility is a radical scheme but I think it could work to solve the country's finances... but also go a step further in some cases. For instance, in America there are proposals to add a few pence tax to fizzy drinks, thereby reducing the budget deficit but also marvellously solving the obesity crisis at the same time. And we all know about green taxes. I don't see why the UK couldn't reap benefits from a similar approach towards helping, um, what are we called now - 'the vulnerable'.

So readers, I propose taxing things only non-disabled people would use or care about.

You're welcome to make some suggestions but, for now, here are my initial policies. Things UBitch would tax, includes:

1. Gyms. Yes, I know, gyms help keep people healthy. Or they should. But the only people I know with subscriptions to these temples of health and perfection are non-disabled people and most of them never attend anyway. The mere act of paying to go to the gym seems to make them happy, so why not make them pay a bit more. Say, an extra £5 a month each. They won't notice anyway and if they did it would only make them more happy, throwing even more money down the drain to appease their Mars-bar-gorging consciousness. Everyone's a winner.

2. High Heels. Yes I do love high heels, mostly because they cause even the most able-bodied athletic woman to become partially disabled. However, the majority of disabled women I know are confined forever to dull flat-soled shoes and the only crips I've ever seen wear stilettos are astonishingly rich ones like Heather Mills. These towering monstrosities of footwear seem to cost several hundred pounds each, so an extra £10 is going to make no difference to anyone. In fact, the added expense will probably make them more desirable, so the fashion industry wins as well. Result!

3. Stairs. Oh come on. Do you know one single disabled person who actually likes the ascending and descending trippy-uppy pieces of architecture which cause many of us to stumble just by looking at them? UBitch says, let's charge everyone ten pence every time an able-bodied person wishes to use a flight of stairs or tread on a single step in public. Imagine it: within months our national coffers will either be overflowing with cash, or, if you take my social tax approach, all public buildings will miraculously have acquired ramps, lifts and other forms of disabled access. Voters, we can't lose.

To be frank, I think with these measures alone, I've saved the nation more money than any of the major parties claim they will save by messing with disability-related benefits and done something positive for disableds into the bargain.

But, readers, if you've got suggestions for other things which should become the target of the TaxAbility scheme, please contact me immediately. I can feel it in my bones: we're going to win.

MillsWatch

To be honest, I don't know where to start this week. First of all, after a brief period as a redhead, Heather's now blonde again. Second, she appears to have thrown herself out of a plane. Strangely, the former event seems to have received more tabloid attention than the latter rather daring skydiving one and I only noticed it because Heather posted a photo on her own Twitter page. It's not like Hev to do something so massive in such a low profile way.