Disability Bitch hates reward cards

I was at the supermarket again yesterday. After paying for my goodies, the cashier eyed my mobility aid with some interest and asked, "Would you like a CT scan as well?"

Believing she was being impertinent, I summoned her line manager, demanding she be sent on one of those disability equality re-programming courses. Instead, she handed me a copy of a glossy brochure detailing the 'rewards' one might receive if one is part of their customer loyalty scheme. Flights and money off your shopping spring to mind. But now one of those rewards would appear to be a CT scan. Yes, instead of saving up for a discounted packet of mince, if you have enough 'points' you can go and get your internal organs checked and maybe discover you have a fatal disease - what a great 'reward'! Oh and they get to spy on your consumer habits too.

Oh. My. God. It goes without saying that I HATE LOYALTY SCHEMES, mostly because I am the most disloyal human being on the planet. And I've said before that supermarkets aren't my favourite places to be. But just in case you think I'm making this stuff up, it's really properly true that at least one supermarket has gone into partnership with a private firm and is offering these scans to people with enough points.

So in the future, readers, if you're feeling unwell, don't go to your GP, head to your nearest multinational supermarket and fill your trolley up. And why not? After all, some of them are now offering mobility aids for sale alongside tins of beans. Pretty soon we'll be able to dispense with the NHS altogether and get everything done in the same round trip.

The thing is, when I'm feeling unwell, the first thing I do tends to be to visit my GP. He's not perfect - in fact, I hate him - but even I don't understand why anyone would decide to skip the whole primary healthcare thing altogether and just decide to, say, get their kidneys scanned before they've investigated whether or not their aches and pains could be cured with a simple £7.20 prescription. Otherwise, if you don't feel ill, I don't fully understand why you'd ever think it was to your advantage to have a CT scan at all. Unless, of course, you enjoy spending time in hospitals.

Maybe I'm just jealous. I mean, given the nature of my own impairments, I don't have much use for scans: you can see everything that's wrong with me just by looking. It's possible I'd find other disability-based offers tempting, though: free hydrotherapy or physiotherapy ... perhaps.

The queues in most supermarkets are longer than I'd like, but I don't suppose I'd be waiting as long as I do on the NHS. Actually, why stop with body scans? I put a lot of strain on my joints and am likely to need a new hip in the years to come: the supermarkets could sort me out some surgery. Hell, if I go to one of those big out-of-town places with the fresh meat counters, I don't doubt one of the resident butchers could do the job himself given a bottle of antiseptic and a particularly sharp knife.

I'm still not convinced by disability-related rewards. The thing is, if they did come up with something I wanted, I'd face a true dilemma. While it would be lovely to access specialist medical care via the medium of reward points, I think I might leave the medical stuff to the NHS after all, and save my loyalty card for procuring discounted doughnuts.

According to her Twitter page, Heather is currently in Bristol celebrating the anniversary of an animal rights charity. Party on, Heth! Meanwhile, supermodel Naomi Campbell is wearing fur again, meaning everyone can drag up the disagreement she had with La Mills on the issue some years ago. What fun!

Everyone's been pretty sombre on Facebook this week, following the death of Baroness Nicky Chapman at the weekend. Someone has suggested we campaign for an equally excellent disabled peer to follow in her footsteps. But who? If you'd like to join the chat, become my virtual friend.