Ouch's fearsome Bitch eats famous disabled people for breakfast. And then spits them out again. She tackles other controversial disability topics with all the subtlety of a hammer cracking a nut. Don't say we didn't warn you!
Disability Bitch plays the retro-diagnosis game
27th January 2011
Breaking news about classical composer and prolific opium-user Chopin, who died in 1849: he's just been diagnosed with epilepsy. And you thought you'd been stuck on the bottom of an NHS waiting list for a long time?
I know that sounds like something I would say but it was a direct quote from Zamoyski's interview on the Today programme this week.
To be honest, I'd be quite pleased if Chopin was spastic. I've got spastic diplega, and people are almost never retro-diagnosed with that. Moses was once, I think. The bible one.
You know what, readers, I HATE POSTHUMOUS DIAGNOSES. Ever since I heard about Chopin's rewritten medical history, I've been playing a new game. It's called Online Diagnosis Generator. Here's how to play:
Using an internet search engine, you type in the name of your favourite dead author, composer or politician, and the name of your favourite invisible disability. I guarantee that you'll find at least one webpage diagnosing that person with that condition, or something similar. It HAS to be an invisible one.
Poor, retro-afflicted Jane Austen is also on the endless list of Famous People thought to have had Asperger's Syndrome alongside Isaac Newton, Alfred Hitchcock, Albert Einstein and Michelangelo.
I thought Charles Dickens might've been autistic, and although he does get an honourable mention on some autism web pages, it turns out the main thing he's been diagnosed with is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, largely because he liked things to be tidy. Conclusive proof, then.
Mr Chopin has some competition on the epilepsy front, because Socrates, Julius Caesar and Napoleon have all been retrospectively diagnosed, alongside various Saints.
You know what, I'd feel better about my life if there was a Saint with cerebral palsy, just like me. Can we retro-diagnose someone who's been beatified, please? There's always St Jude, the Patron Saint of Lost Causes.
It just seems a bit too easy to label someone from a bygone era. No one's ever retro-fitted with something that would've been ridiculously obvious in their day like total blindness, lower limb paralysis or an amputated arm. It's always the impairments we've only just invented, like autism, ADHD, or dyslexia - the ones that no one knew about at the time and which are almost impossible to disprove without the presence of the person concerned and an expert in the subject.
You know what, I bet FDR would be thrilled that the entire world is poring over the one personal thing he tried to keep secret. He's probably even more delighted the Americans erected a statue of him with a mobility aid.
Next, they'll be publishing a list of every girl he ever had a crush on, followed by a TV Special exposing every secret he ever had.
Facebook / Twitter
If you'd like to make witty remarks in response to my inane tweeting about dead musicians, you will find me here @DisabilityBitch on Twitter.
I didn't bother telling my Facebook friends about Chopin's suspected neurological weirdness, but you can 'like' me on Facebook as the terminology goes. Go on, like my hate.
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