Disability Bitch vs 'the news'

24th September 2009

Gentle readers, this week's column is an appeal from the heart. Yes I, Disability Bitch, do have a heart and - surprisingly - it's one of the few parts of my body that isn't broken yet. Readers, in order to keep my cold blood-pumping organ intact, I ask you one thing: please please please will one disabled person reading this do something interesting and funny and newsworthy next week. Seriously. If, like me, it's your job to comb the news for quirky cripple-related stories, you'll know what an appallingly terrible selection there is.

It's rare to find the media bursting with shiny and interesting handicapped people, I admit, but more so than ever this week, I HATE THE NEWS and there's nothing I find even slightly inspiring.

Let's look at the selection available to us. First up, it won't have escaped your notice that new legal guidelines on assisted suicide have just been published which I could write about but really, really isn't funny.

Still, those disabled people with more interest in reading newspapers than dying will discover that Paralympics can change perceptions of disability though I dread to think from what, to what; alternatively you might like to know that Disability access is still failing in Wales, though if you live in Wales you probably already knew that.

I got reasonably excited when I learned that forgetful patients [are] to be fitted with microchips to remind them to take their pills. Except if you read the story, you'll discover they're not about to chip us all like dogs, it's just a scheme being developed by a drugs company which has so far been trialled on only twenty people.

Meanwhile, the broadsheets are reporting that sun may help people with cancer survive which seems surprising if you recall that most stories about sun and cancer involve warnings about harmful UV rays. It turns out to be a study about how boosting your vitamin D levels by going outside and getting a bit of fresh air and sun is better for your chances of recovery than locking yourself indoors. And this is revelatory, they say?

Oh and, so our NeuroDiverse friends don't feel left out, it's been 'revealed' that autism is just as common in adults as children, which, y'know, is lovely, though quite why everyone's obsessed with going round counting autistic people, I still don't know. By the way, someone's made a film about how horses can help autistic people. And while I'm not necessarily knocking that, it's not, y'know, setting my world alight.

By far my favourite story of the week involves Hugh Laurie, the non-disabled British actor who plays the disabled American doctor, House, in the series of the same name. He's said he may have to give up the role because he has injured his legs by pretending to limp for so long. Ha! Obviously I, the Disability Bitch, thinks he should allow himself to become disabled and continue in the role, and I was going to write a column about that but it seemed wrong to waste a week talking about a Normie moaning about some leg pains.

So I'm struggling to find a decent story about an actual disabled person. There's not even a handicapper wending his way up Mount Everest in order to 'inspire' me , I don't think, though if you're half way up a mountain right now, do feel free to email me. No one's even mentioned much about getting disabled people off benefits this week, and no one seems to have gone sailing lately.

If you're half way up one of these, email Disability Bitch immediately

Seriously, readers! There's so little around that if you skip out for a pint of milk later today, there's an evens chance you'll make the headlines of your local paper: "triumphant cripple makes it to shop".

I'm trying to leak it to the BBC newsroom that the government have plans to withdraw Disability Living Allowance and replace it with a lifetime supply of doughnuts for the most disabled, but they don't seem to believe me. Maybe next week.

MillsWatch

Even Heather's been quiet this week, though there's a rumour she might be about to sell one of her many residences. Wow. This week, there's no breaking news on what colour her hair is.

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I'm so bored. If you've got a story more interesting than the ones I've mentioned here, feel free to become my friend and post it on my wall. I'd say there's a prize for the best story, but there's not. And here at the BBC you can't just say that kind of thing if there's not. Not any more. How we long for the good old days.

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