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Disability Bitch makes cuts

5th August 2010

• Disability Bitch is published every Thursday on bbc.co.uk/ouch
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Readers, all this talk of spending cuts is getting to me. Several weeks ago, the government invited The Public to submit ideas about how to reduce the national deficit. Goodness knows why. I've been saying for ages that I HATE THE PUBLIC and - lo and behold! - there was a bit of an outcry when people made helpful suggestions such as sterilising benefit claimants and throwing poor people in the workhouse. Lovely.
cash
Now you see it ...
Other suggestions from the public include sensible-seeming stuff such as centralising government stationery orders, ensuring civil servants turn their computers off at night and that they only print their documents in black ink. Bless! I wasn't sure if this was a government website or a page from an email my mum wrote me with the subject line: A Mother's Tips for Economical Living.

Sadly, most of these excellent ideas are unlikely to change the course of government policy if recent press reports are to be believed.

Being disabled is an expensive business, you know. Ideally, I'd give the whole thing up altogether and become able-bodied. However, it's important to be realistic. The waiting list for this non-existent treatment is quite long. So rather than helping the chancellor by 'simply' getting cured (!), I'm gonna have to think up other ways of pitching in.
money and credit cards
Being able to afford food ... priceless
Economy begins at home though and this week, dear readers, I present to you ideas for rising to the disability spending challenge. Maybe you could see your way to joining me too ... or perhaps you're just anti-British and deserve to be jailed for treason.

1. Reduce usage of mobility aids

Disability Bitch eats a doghnut
I have decided to economise on mobility aids. Henceforth, me and my No-Legged Chum are going to share the bits of plastic that enable us to get out of the house.

There's no real need for the two of us to be out and about at the same time. If he's at the shops buying milk and newspapers, I can stay in and watch Jeremy Kyle, crawling across the floor if I need to fetch anything from the other side of the room. Yes, we're now a one-wheelchair household.

2. Cut spending on prescription medication by 50%

I know it's ambitious but slashing my expenditure on GP-sponsored drugs is entirely achievable. My plan is to take them only every other day. After all, I'm disabled whether I take them or not, so they're clearly not THAT good.

Admittedly there may be an initial increase in the cost of emergency vehicles required to ferry me to A&E but I feel sure that after a time my ravaged body will acclimatise to its new drug-reduced state. I'd hope that eventually I'd be able to give up the chemicals altogether, replacing them with a daily medicinal peppermint tea.

3. Give up taxis

Yup I'm exchanging those expensive cabs and intend to walk everywhere. This will ensure I can't go further than the end of my road, and this will, in turn, reduce the cost of daily living by, I estimate, a million percent. Brilliant.

You see, readers, like The Public, I too can have genius money-saving ideas. I feel sure my personal financial crisis will be resolved by 2012 like everything else. Either that or I'll be dead, but once you've got the funeral out of the way, I hear being dead is itself very economical.

(Please note that when Labour get their voice back in September, I'm sure I'll be having things to say about their strategies too. Though if I recall, all parties were keen to put the boot in on disability benefits so who knows what'll happen.)

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