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Disability Bitch changes society

21st July 2010

• Disability Bitch is published every Thursday on bbc.co.uk/ouch
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Oh, readers! This week I'm a little over-excited. See, fresh from announcing changes to the benefit system and the NHS, our enthusiastic young government has this week announced a radical overhaul to society itself. Thank God.
David Cameron
"Ask not what your country can do for you, loser ..."
Of course it will come as no surprise that I HATE SOCIETY, full as it is of miserable misanthropes just like myself, who pretend they have lots of sympathy for disabled people but wouldn't like to sit next to one on the bus.

Well, now our honourable leader, David Cameron, has launched Big Society, in which men and women on the street - that's us! - will get to shape services for their local community, such as - and I quote - post offices, libraries, transport and housing projects. Yippee!

The thing is, while everything from disability benefits to civil service pay is being squeezed due to the massive debt this country is in, the Big Society is being funded by lots of money which seems to have been found from dormant bank accounts. I snorted doughnut through my nose!!

... Excuse me while I interrupt this column for a little announcement: Are you someone with several thousand pounds in a bank which you have forgotten about? Are you now scrambling to find your account details before your moolah gets hoovered up by the government to pay for community schemes? Just let me say, I'm quite happy to do you a deal. I'll take some of that money off your hands. I'll make sure your old account, weighed down as it might be by the weight of your unspent coins, is no longer dormant. I'll help you spend some of that burdensome balance. Let's have a chat. Now back to the normal service for the continuation of this week's column. Thanks for listening ...
Concrete ramp
Sing: ramp amp amp am amp
Anyhow, Big Society. Let's think about it for a second: last time I tried to get into my local post office, someone called an ambulance after I became dehydrated in the queue ... which I believe stretched half way around the world. My local library has put all the interesting books on the first floor and doesn't have a lift and my local transport services - do I even have local transport services? Apparently I do but last time I tried to get a bus driver to put his ramp down he told me it was broken. Mysteriously, this is what happens every time I try and get a local bus. How unlucky am I?

I will use all that forgotten cash to open services that non-disabled people can't access. There are plenty of buses and post offices me and my disabled chums can't use so this is reverse discrimination and will change society massively. And, of course, it'll give me a purpose in life. Ya know, something to get up for, just like Dave says.


This week on Facebook, great excitement was caused when I was friend requested by someone claiming to be Bill Oddie, who actually wasn't. I was wildly disappointed. If you're the real Bill and would like to be my virtual friend, I'd be delighted to have you and you'll find my Facebook profile here. If you're not Mr Oddie but want to be my friend anyway, feel free to click the link but do be aware you'll be greeted with nothing less than studied apathy.

Oh, quick safety message: if you're using Facebook, beware people masquerading as members of The Goodies.

Putting my serious head on for a second, when you become my friend please do take a look at the recent note I've posted on Facebook about, how can I put this, people who might be attracted to you simply because you are disabled. They exist. Be safe.


    • 1. At 00:16am on 28 Jul 2010, Ranald wrote:

      I was a bus driver up until my licence was medically revoked last winter and i had to inform plenty of disabled people that the ramp didn't work, it really didn't!
      Unfortunately being somewhat disabled myself (Muscular Dystrophy) i couldn't manhandle them onto the bus as i desperately wanted to and used to appeal to other passengers to help, very embarrassing for them and for me i hasten to add, i heard loads of grumbling about that "lazy so and so driver."
      I know exactly what you mean about public building though, at my local pool the changing room is upstairs so if you are disabled you have to change in the disabled toilets and walk in your swimming costume through the main entrance to the lift leading directly to the poolside!
      How very dignified i must say! :-(

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