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Messages: 1 - 19 of 19
  • Message 1. 

    Posted by honey3680 (U14719841) on Wednesday, 29th June 2011

    I have just found out sort of by accident (I read my sons emails cos I knew something was wrong) that he has contacted the samartains via email telling them he wanted to kill himself. I hawe said on here that he has hypermobility joint syndrome and is dylexic and having problems with his tutor. He has also had alot of blood tests and films lately cos his white blood count is high and they dont know why. He also helps me but isnt my carer. I do try to do everything I can and just ask him to help with things I really cant manage like getting in and out of the bath ( i wear a dressing gown before and after I let the water out .. i dont want to scare the poor child and then he helps me out) I know what its like to be a child carer. but never knew he felt so scared. He told samaratains that he is scared to be the only other person in the house is something happens to me. He told them about when I first got ill how his dad (who we dont live with and has very little to do with my son) told my son while I was in resus that he would look after him that night but not any other as he was busy doing the things he wanted to do. He told samaratian about how he feels he cant cope with college. He told them how he has migrains all the time which is true he has been of college due to this for the last few weeks but that just makes college worse cos he has missed the work or doesnt undertand what has been going on. I told him he can do an apprenticeship or anything it doesnt have to be college or uni but he thinks he wil be stuck living where we live if he doesnt get a degree and wont listen to me. He has put on a lot of weight recently and that hasnt helped him feeling better. He even told samaratains how he was planning to kill himself. He put a LOT of thought into it. He is stressed he bites the skin off his hands till they bleed when he is stressed and his hands look awful. He had an appointment to TALK to the doctor about his sleeping pattern which is completely out of control and has been for weeks but cancelled today. He wont go out to see his friends. I dont know what to do

    Report message1

  • Message 2

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by pussycat1961 (U14909958) on Wednesday, 29th June 2011

    Hi Honey,
    I now how impossible it might seem but have you tried talking to him about how he feels? Maybe he dosen't feel he can talk about it because he dosen't want to make you feel worse, it's always easier to talk to a stranger. Obviously you can't let on about reading his emails but maybe you could 'drop' things into a conversation things that you read in the emails but more in the context that if you were in his place you would probably feel like this or like that (thinking about what he said). Just start it off as a casual chat maybe.
    I know you may have already tried talking to him about this and you know you just won't get him to open up, but if not, it's worth a try.

    On the doctor issue, am I right in assuming it was your son that cancelled the appointment, not the doctor? If it was your son, could you ring the doctors and ask for an emergency home visit. You do need to assertive with this, depending on what the receptionist/doctor is like. There's no reason for a doctor not to come out, I had one out for much less. Your son won't be able to cope if he's not sleeping properly. I haven't slept properly since a back op last year and just recently got to where I couldn't cope because of lack of sleep but thanks to my doctor and some sleeping tablets, Im now sleeping somewhat better, feel more able to cope, and it seems like your son is suffering partly because of lack of sleep. If you can, get a home visit, his doctor needs to be involved. Yes, it must be hard for your son but lack of sleep and depression can be treated, at least it would be a beginning if he felt more able to cope.
    I wish I could think of something more beneficial to say, for the pair of you but ring the doctor, at least it will be a start, hopefully help your son to feel less unable to cope. If your son won't go to the doctor, bring the doctor to him.

    Please post back and let me know how you get on with the doctor.


    Report message2

  • Message 3

    , in reply to message 2.

    Posted by Yvette (U12302253) on Wednesday, 29th June 2011

    Please contact Social Services and INSIST they give you a care package. Your son should not have to assist you getting in and out of the bath, even if you do wear a bathrobe.

    If you have a PA coming in, at least that will be one stress less for him.

    Report message3

  • Message 4

    , in reply to message 3.

    Posted by ShazfromNorthampton (U3255070) on Wednesday, 29th June 2011

    Or the doctors who can ask social services on your behalf, but at least your son't writing how he feels down as a foster carer if a child does that we are really pleased.

    Take care and big hugs

    Shaz smiley - biggrin

    Report message4

  • Message 5

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by Sofie2 (U14259204) on Wednesday, 29th June 2011

    I think you need to talk to him and encourage him to get help. It may help him if you suggest you go with him. However, if he says no, there's not much you can do. At the same time, both of you need assessments from social services.

    Unfortunately, if he won't help himself, you can't do anything.

    Don't be surprised if he does have a go at you for reading his emails. I'm sure he'll thank you later for it.

    Report message5

  • Message 6

    , in reply to message 5.

    Posted by auntieCtheM (U14260383) on Wednesday, 29th June 2011

    Oh you do have a lot on your plate at the moment.

    Did you know that you can get a telephone appointment with a GP. Either of you might benefit from a chat as the Dr nowadays is like a gate to all other support services. You just ask for a phone appointment and the GP phones you instead of you going in.

    Your GP really does need to know what is going on. If your son is compulsively chewing his hands then he may not want the GP to see that. On the phone the GP will not see it.


    Report message6

  • Message 7

    , in reply to message 6.

    Posted by Lilly (U14811325) on Wednesday, 29th June 2011

    Just a thought, Could you talk to your son by saying something like, youve been thinking and youve contacted social services for some help for yourself, as its a lot for him to take on your care so you Want, to get some help from others so he can spend more time doing what kids do,,,,,,,,, and his studies etc and not have to worry about you.
    That way theres no mention of what you read, but a start to give him some space for himself.

    The social services should also ask what help they can give him too.
    All the best Lil

    Report message7

  • Message 8

    , in reply to message 6.

    Posted by devine63 (U14166755) on Wednesday, 29th June 2011


    I am really sorry to hear that things have gotten this bad.

    There are two things you need to do:

    1. contact your doctor immediately (phone or in person) and tell him about how bad things are for your son - this is a situation where your concern about your son (who is seriously harming himself by biting his hands and has clear plans for suicide - both strong signs) should rightfully outweigh any concern about confidentiality.

    I am sure he will be angry with you for reading his emails - but it is also possible he made it possible for you to do so, so he would not have to tell you himself - even if he can't admit that. The young man needs immediate treatment and probably referral to a specialist. He can be helped, but you really need to act immediately.

    When he goes to University, encourage him to contact the Uni disability service - they will have support available for students with mental health issues which can make a huge difference with the difficult transition from home to Uni.

    2. It is time to sort out some care for you, so that the responsibility is not on your son. You don't necessarily need to tell him that is why you are sorting it out now. Talk to Social Services about a care needs assessment (just phone them during office hours and ask for the Duty Social Worker) then explicitly ask for a care needs assessment - there are regulations about how quickly they must respond.

    You might need some adaptations to your bathroom to allow you to bath / shower more independently. Sometimes a wetroom arrangement (for example) can mean you can go back to being fully independent in the bathroom as you don't have to climb in and out of the bath and so on.

    Also: identify someone other than dad for your son to be able to call on if he needs help because something has happened to you when you are together in the house. A friendly neighbour or other relative might be willing to be an emergency call person.

    regards, Deb

    Report message8

  • Message 9

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by honey3680 (U14719841) on Thursday, 30th June 2011

    He was the one that cancelled the appointment with the doctor. He wont talk to me about anything anymore. He has cancelled facebook and msn where he used to chat to his friends. He wont go out with his friends and wont answer any of their calls. He had made arrangments to go to holland with a friend to visit a uni open day but cancelled that too. I went to the doctors and asked her to ring him to rearrange an appointment because I am worried. She said she couldnt talk to me about him as he is over 18 but did call him and he refused to go. He is going to bed in the early hours and sleeps all morning and is tired all day. I has gym membership but wont go there either. Any interest he has had he has let drop. I asked him about decorating his bedroom and he isnt interested. I asked him why he seems so down lately and has anything happened he said no i just cant stand my life. I said well what do you fancy doing. Do you want to go away for a couple of days or anything? Is there anything you need a hand with? I didnt want to seem as though I had read his emails or knew anything but he just said nothing he just wanted to be left. I said I was thinking of asking social services to help with stuff cos he is too old now to be hanging around the house and not doing studenty things and he said do what you want. He wont shave or cut his hair to which the only thing i said about that was he might feel cooler with his hair cut and a good shave but he said he doesnt care. I said ok. I dont want him to know i know unless i really have to.

    Report message9

  • Message 10

    , in reply to message 9.

    Posted by Penthesalie (U3956249) on Thursday, 30th June 2011

    Hi Honey3680
    You poor love, from the sounds of things you and your son have hit rock bottom. Backing up all the sound advice from the previous posters I'd like to add a link to the Crossroads site, (a charitable organisation that's been around for about 40 years or so), which can be arranged as part of a care package from Social Services and is for supporting the carer by helping the disabled person they care for, it takes some of the pressure off. Basically, it's like a bit of respite every week. I used to have it when I was in a relationship and my other half was my main carer.
    and you can check where your local Crossroads is by using this search box.
    Take care, Hun
    Love and hugs, Pen.

    Report message10

  • Message 11

    , in reply to message 9.

    Posted by devine63 (U14166755) on Thursday, 30th June 2011

    Hello again Honey

    The doctor is right that she cannot tell you anything about your son that you do not already know, however if she is sensible, she will listen to your concerns - I don't know how much you have already said to her, but I think you need to go back to her again now she has tried to talk to him and ask her to come out for a home visit - even if he does not want it. The situation IS that serious.

    In your last message you mentioned:

    withdrawal from social contacts
    loss of interest in previously favoured activities
    sleep disturbance
    obvious low mood
    lack of interest in new activities
    lack of self care (not shaving or cutting hair - is he also not bathing?)

    and earlier you mentioned that his email included

    specific mention of suicide - and quite detailed plans
    weight gain (perhaps due to altered eating patterns?)

    Your doctor needs to hear about ALL of these symptoms - together they add up to signs of very serious depression and she cannot make that assessment without knowing about all of it.

    There are some physiological conditions (especially thyroid disorders) which can have this effect and of course there are also mental illnesses.

    Good luck with sorting out the care for you, as well
    regards, Deb

    Report message11

  • Message 12

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by honey3680 (U14719841) on Friday, 1st July 2011

    Can I just say thank you to all those who answered my message. I was/am really scared about the whole situation but this has really helped. We now have nine weeks to sort things out before he starts back at college. I have found out that he has asked his doctor for sleeping tablets but she told him to go away and think about it as they are addictive. I am glad she did as I am not so sure thats not the only thing he would be using them for given his emails. I have decided to get him to clear out the house of junk and to sort things out for next year. I have left a message for his doctor to come for a home visit (still waiting to hear back from her). My benefits were reduced a while ago and i know thats been playing on his mind. (cos i had two mini strokes not a major one and i had two mini heart attacks not a major one and my cancer is being MANAGED not treated the new policy doesnt see me as being disabled anymore.. im going to a tribunal just waiting for a date). I still have a dodgy heart complaint that can cause sudden death but apparently thats not a disablity just nuisense according to ATOS lol dont you just love em. Anyway I am trying to get that sorted. The reason he knew about the outcome is because I was really unwell the day i had to see the welfare rights officer and he came with me insisting on coming in, His mates arent interested in going to the gym but I am going to see if I can get him to go anyway. The thing is he never talks just stores things up and then gets angry. Im hoping the gym will wear him out enough to sleep properly. Get his diet sorted and let out his aggression. His birthday is coming up and he says he couldnt careless and doesnt want anything or to do anything. I cant force him but going to try to nudge him. When he is angry I am scared of him he hasnt done anything to me but I do get scared he might or he might do something stupid. Literally had to force him to go to college today to return his books and to pick up next years books. He says he wants to go next year but if i didnt make him go he would have wasted nine weeks not looking at the work then being behind and then stressing more over it then. He creates a lot of his stress himself by not following an easy path and delaying things till last minute. I dont know whether I should ask his friends round and force him to socialise but the mood he is in if he tells them to erm go away but not in so many words they are likely to.

    Report message12

  • Message 13

    , in reply to message 12.

    Posted by honey3680 (U14719841) on Friday, 1st July 2011

    He mentioned on that email to the samaratains that he has been to ten funerals in his life and two of them were his friends. (they were stabbed in different incidents in different years .. we live in hackney) he also told them about how he and his friend were mugged outside the school when they were on their way to a mentoring class in the city by a man with a knife. I do know how they both felt at the time and spent a lot of time ferrying them both around (when i could drive i dont anymore) but thought he was ok now his friend is; He told them about how his nana and granddad and uncle all died in a short space of time and how they lived with us and thats when I got ill. Which is true but I was ill for years before that I just got worse after. It seems like its all going on in his head but he wont talk to anyone in the real world just on the pc then he wrote to them to tell them not to bother. He is very difficult to get things out of. .

    Report message13

  • Message 14

    , in reply to message 13.

    Posted by Sofie2 (U14259204) on Friday, 1st July 2011

    He is very difficult to get things out of. . 

    As was I when I was depressed last year.

    RE: sleeping tablets - I was told the same thing, as well as "we need to work on one thing [depression] at a time".

    Report message14

  • Message 15

    , in reply to message 14.

    Posted by honey3680 (U14719841) on Sunday, 3rd July 2011

    Doctor rang back and said she doesnt do home visits to abled bodied people no matter what the circumstances. So cant get him to go to docs and cant get them to come here.

    Going to try to make these holidays as stress free as I can but also need to make sure he does the things he needs to do to be on time with things for next term. It is just hard when all he wants to do is stay in bed and not do anything. Thanks for all your help everyone xxx

    Report message15

  • Message 16

    , in reply to message 15.

    Posted by devine63 (U14166755) on Sunday, 3rd July 2011

    Hello honey

    I would suggest that you write a letter to the doctor expressing all of your concerns about your son - she is ignoring signs of serious mental illness and making excuses not to conduct an assessment and your concerns should be on record. Request that a copy of your letter be placed in your son's medical record as well as your own.
    regards, Deb

    Report message16

  • Message 17

    , in reply to message 16.

    Posted by honey3680 (U14719841) on Tuesday, 5th July 2011

    Thanks Deb and thank you everyone for replying xxx

    Report message17

  • Message 18

    , in reply to message 17.

    Posted by Yvette (U12302253) on Wednesday, 6th July 2011

    Hello honey

    I would suggest that you write a letter to the doctor expressing all of your concerns about your son - she is ignoring signs of serious mental illness and making excuses not to conduct an assessment and your concerns should be on record. Request that a copy of your letter be placed in your son's medical record as well as your own.
    regards, Deb 

    Send the letter to the surgery by recorded/registered post so it has to be signed for. Any post which has to be signed for is taken more seriously because it can be proved it was sent.

    Remember to keep the reciept with a copy of your letter.

    Report message18

  • Message 19

    , in reply to message 18.

    Posted by auntieCtheM (U14260383) on Wednesday, 6th July 2011

    big hug for you

    big hug for your son

    Report message19

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