New Year's resolutions
6th February 2005
No, I'm not referring to my face and plastic surgery, so you can put away your scalpels! I'm referring to my other flaws - my immaturity, my laziness, my ability to eat a family-sized pizza in one sitting. Something must be done.
So in order to try to make a good start, this year I have written down my six New Year's resolutions, in the hope that by making them public I will get me the jolt of discipline that I so desperately need.
Resolution 1: grow up
Resolution 2: lose my outer Homer Simpson
So there I am, sitting on my couch, watching The Simpsons whilst stuffing myself with Quality Street and fizzy cola bottle sweets (which you'll notice feature quite heavily in my diet). I look up at the television and suddenly realise that Homer is also sitting on his couch and stuffing his face whilst watching TV. I was his exact mirror reflection - but with more hair. I immediately vowed that come the New Year, I would be less Homer Simpson and more Nicole Kidman.
My problem is that I have an enormous appetite. It is well known that if you put any item of food under my nose which passes the 'sniff test', then I'll eat it. If I've had a bad day, been stared at a lot and it's just got too much for me, then I'll eat the entire contents of my fridge. This is partly a comfort thing; it's also partly to do with me being a greedy piggy who likes her cake!
2005 will be the year that I learn to eat like a bird - and I don't mean Big Bird from Sesame Street either. Mind you, I could argue that eating cake is an access requirement because it alleviates my depression. Hmm ...
Resolution 3: bug a Chugger
May 2005 be the year in which I finally get the courage to go up to the Chuggers and shout, "Spare two minutes for the disabled!" and demand that they give monthly payments by direct debit into my bank account.
Resolution 4: learn to enjoy exercise
In my adult life, I have tried to take up jogging. However, I can only do it at 5.00am so that members of the public won't have to witness the embarrassing sight of me trying to run. I've tried to join a gym, but it ended horribly because the place was full of Stepford Wives and I was not the kind of clientele that they wanted. I've tried to take up exercise at home using a Rosemary Conley video, but I found her too annoying and wanted to smack her within ten minutes. I can't swim because the water stings my eyes. I can't play tennis because my double vision means I see two tennis balls coming towards my face and my automatic reflex is to duck. So if anyone knows of a good exercise video or a warm and friendly gym in London that caters specifically for fat, funny-looking, visually-impaired females with a fitness phobia, please let me know!
Resolution 5: learn to cook
It's important that I learn to cook healthy, nutritious food because my disability means that I sometimes have headaches and bouts of low energy, and eating junk food doesn't exactly help. It won't be easy though, given my background. I was brought up in a family where experimenting with cooking meant having the sweet and sour flavour Chicken Tonight sauce instead of the creamy mushroom one.
Resolution 6: be nice to people - especially non-disabled people!
But this year I have decided to conquer my prejudices and be nice to them. They are, after all, human. Some of them even seem quite nice ... until they go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like, "Oi you! Why don't you go and have some plastic surgery on yer face!"
Oh please. Normality is so 2004.
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