Dungeons, dragons and portaloos

My friend, however, decided to take things one step further and booked us onto a weekend of real life Dungeons and Dragons. Apparently there are people all over the country who, instead of spending their weekends at Homebase, put on silly costumes and take part in live action role play - or as those in the know call it, LARPing.

I thought I was someone with a sense of adventure, but as we pulled into the 'Car, Carts and Horses' parking area, I was already wondering what I'd let myself in for. The stewards had beaks and wore cloaks, and before I knew it they had ushered me into a tent where I was to meet 'GOD'. This potentially life changing moment was in fact a great disappointment, since 'GOD' turned out to be a twenty year old computer nerd who organizes these events for other people like himself.

As I wheeled into the playing area, I was so overcome by nerves, anticipation and disbelief that I burst out laughing. There were hundreds of people in all manner of fancy dress milling about, arguing, fighting, shopping and simply going about their everyday fantasy business as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Some people were dressed like animals, others as clowns, many had masks on and when each player spoke, they used accents and words that I'd never heard before. I felt as though I'd just walked through the wardrobe into a budget version of Narnia.

I needed to get a grip so I headed to the nearest hostelry to partake of a goblet or two of mead. For the first time in my life, I was drinking to help me gain a sense of reality. As I sat there, two characters dressed as wolves came over to our table. I prepared to engage in conversation, but they just ignored me and in unnatural high pitched voices asked Bogdana, "Doth the fair lady taketh sugar?" It seems that being an aristocrat from Russia with a magic scroll, 87 skill points and 100% health still sn't enough to afford you equality even in the fantasy world.

Everyone in the game had to be in character. I was wearing a long mediaeval style dress that my friend had made out of a pair of curtains from Oxfam. Even my PA had to join in. She was absolutely thrilled to have to wear a peasant smock and answer to the name of Bogdana, my servant, for the rest of the day. Since the role of a personal assistant is to do those things that I cannot do for myself, as part of our LARPing around this meant brandishing a sword and protecting my honour during a battle between a group of people who were dressed like the cast from Pirates of the Caribbean and a gang led by a giant red rubber dragon. Such an occasion is thankfully covered under the "... and anything else reasonably required" clause in the PA job description.

Otherwise, battles, quests and games seemed a little thin on the ground. Instead of adventure, all we got was rain. I spent the entire weekend cold, wet and mud-bound in a campsite surrounded by hundreds of geeks in disguise. The curtains I was wearing were ruined by overflow from the inaccessible portaloo, and I had to resort to borrowing Bogdana's green velour hoody to keep from dying of hyperthermia. By the end of all that, I was most definitely not game for a LARP ...