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A recent survey has suggested that most GPs over-prescribe
anti-depressants such as Prozac to their patients (poll by Norwich
Union Healthcare, March 2004).
Meredith Chance (identity changed) is a 22 year old in her final
year at university who has had depression pills.
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When did you first start feeling really depressed?
In my first year at uni it got to its worst - I hated myself enormously
and felt really bad.
What do you mean by felt bad?
Felt trapped inside my own head. Was having too many thoughts. And
everyone, whether its good or bad is overwhelming. Feel like I've
just broken up with someone all the time or like I'm grieving for
someone. Something is missing. Maybe it's grieving for myself cos
it feels like someone else has taken over my body.
Someone else has taken over your body?
I feel totally trapped. But I'm still aware that I'm there, but
have no control over me.
What happens then?
That's when I try and hurt myself to try in some way to get control
back - over my own body - from this other side of me. So, whatever
it may look like on the outside, it makes me feel better at the
time because it's me that feels it.
What kind of things do you do to get back control?
I burn myself and I cut myself, stuff like that.
Did you seek help by your own free will?
No, I was doing stupid things so my boyfriend at the time took me
to see a counselor who referred me to a psychiatrist and then I
started taking anti-depressants.
Had you heard anything about anti-depressants?
I had only heard of prozac - only that it was controversial and
in jest people would say they wanna get some thinking it was a happy
pill.
What's their effect on a 'normal' person?
It numbs you.
So it doesn't pick you up?
No, it just keeps you level. Stops you from being overly high or
down.
Any side effects?
Completely stops your appetite, I kept fainting from being ill -
hurt myself when I fell. You feel a bit drunk sometimes, and I have
a greatly reduced sex drive.
Did they work straight away?
First two weeks you start taking them they actually make you
worse, I felt so sick and paralyzed.
How long have you been on them for?
Started in November 2001, taking 20 mg of sytalopram. Took it for
nine months.
Did you finish the course subscribed?
It's not like normal medication where you're told how long the
course lasts for - it's just kind of an on going thing. I decided
to stop taking it of my own accord. Felt better so one day I just
dropped it when the current dosage of one month had run out.
Good idea?
Not at all - after that I was really up and down with major mood
swings. That gradually stopped and then I just started to feel better
without the pills but after about six months I started to feel really
bad again, so I went back to the doctor. I didn't want to but my
friends made me an appointment so had to go.
What did he say?
Basically he thinks he needs to keep an eye on me, so he only gives
me enough for a couple of weeks so I have to go back and see him
and he upped my dosage to 40 mg every day.
Do you always feel the same?
My depression is at its worst when I'm not in control. But another
way to deal with it is by getting attention. That's why I flirt
a lot with guys so I can manipulate and control them.
Do you just flirt or do you take it further?
Sometimes further. A lot of the people I've slept with I only did
so cos that's the only way I'm sure that they will hang around with
me. I just don't like being left on my own.
Is that cos you don't trust yourself on your own?
No, it stems from fear of abandonment. The psychiatrist reckons
it's because my father left me when I was only three. Stops me having
a normal relationship.
So you breaking up with someone is really bad for you…
Yeah, one time it sent me over the edge and I was really bad for
a long time. If I could've been arsed to get up I would have got
up to kill myself. That was when I'd just split with my boyfriend
who lived back home.
Why did you split up with him?
Couldn't do a long distance relationship - I need someone with me…
it's all to do with being abandoned but at first I didn't realise
that was the case at all.
Can't you just be with your friends?
I can't settle for friends to be there, that's why I go for guys
and turn it into something sexual. I feel I owe it to them for being
there for me and to keep them there. In a sexual situation I'm quite
controlling as well so I feel good from that empowerment. I do feel
bad when they leave the next morning though.
Have such methods of making yourself feel better worked?
Not really, they do at the time. Now, though, I feel I can't differentiate
between whether it's the pills making me feel a certain way or the
depression - I wish I knew what I'd be like without them but I don't
dare try.
How do people react when you tell the about your situation?
People always turn into my carers when I tell them and suddenly
they're always asking if I'm okay. It's very rare that someone will
remain a platonic friend.
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Meredith said the biggest thing with depression
is you're not interested in things that you used to love and have
no self-reliance.
The statistics on depression are unfortunately depressing.
If you've had it once then there's a 30% chance you'll get it again,
and if you've had it twice there's a 70% chance you'll have it chronically
for the rest of your life.
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If you or someone you know is affected by Depression,
the BBC Nottingham Actionline can help.
The Actionline is confidential and is the first place to start if
you're experiencing problems, need to get some advice or just want
some useful information.
You can call Monday to Friday between 9:30am and 4:00pm (answer
phone service other times) or email: actionline@bbc.co.uk.
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