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"I felt like my head was going to explode with all the emotions that I was feeling. I remember sitting there alone with my beautiful son just sobbing and sobbing, letting go of years of emotions."

Jane (not her real name) was abused by her father from the age of four. As she grew older she dealt with what happened by burying it in the back of her mind – so that she could carry on with the rest of her life.

To a certain extent it worked, until she became a mother. Becoming pregnant and having her own children was the trigger that brought all the terrible memories flooding back.

The emotional distress Jane went through took its toll, and soon afterwards during a routine visit to her doctor the truth came pouring out.

"On the outside I looked like I was doing really well. I put my makeup on everyday, smiled to the world. I looked like I was thriving on motherhood. Inside I was crushed. I told my Doctor about my abuse, which was such a huge relief. Apart from my husband and a couple of friends I had never spoken about it. The Doctor responded brilliantly and referred me for counselling."

It took a year for the appointment to come through. When Jane eventually started her counselling sessions, she began to experience agonizing back pain – so stopped going.

"Looking back I now see that the two were connected and believe that I had debilitating back pain because of the emotional pain that I was suffering. I wish the counsellor had recognized that and encouraged me to continue."

18 months later Jane had another child and once again the stress of what had happened to her as a child became too much. So she started to see a counsellor who recommended the Sexual Abuse Project.

"Initially I was quite dubious about going. I went for an initial chat. I remember that I was in a real mess and cried a lot.  They were great though and took the time to listen to me."

Jane attended a 10-week counselling group at the project, which helped her to share her story and to understand how being sexually abused as a child had affected her life as an adult allowing her to move on.

"I can honestly say that I am now very happy in life and positive. I look forward to the future. I have a wonderful family. I have broken the cycle of abuse in my family.  I'm a true survivor. My Dad didn't ruin my life. I've been determined all along that it wouldn't. I think that I'm a better person following my counselling. It hasn't been easy, far from it. I am so grateful to the Sexual Abuse Project. They have helped change my life. I urge anyone out there to seek counselling and contact with the Sexual Abuse Project if they have issues.....it will be so worth it!"

The Sexual Abuse Project is based at Nottingham Counselling Service. The project provides a specialist group counselling service for women survivors of child sexual abuse in Nottinghamshire. If you would like more details call 0115 950 1743.

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The full story

Click 'next' to read Jane's full story. Please note that some of the article contains content that you may find distressing.

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