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By
the time you get to the September before your second year, there
is one thought that predominates your mind: 'I hope there are some
fit Freshers!?'
Now,
you may think is just a male thing, but it took an extra day to
get to know one of my flat mates in first year as within moments
he was stunned by the predatory skills of a third year female who
'spent the evening' with him. This was the Sunday night people!
Technically Uni hadn't even started yet!
Luckily,
it turned out to be a fluke on his part, as I was beginning to feel
inadequate (took me 'til Tuesday), but he didn't get any more until
May, so I soon felt better.
In
fairness, these lustful thoughts usually give way to some kind of
mature sensibility after a few days, allowing for a more refined
approach to courting and the like.
However
for some STYPs (second and third year perverts) the lure of young
flesh is too much to cope with. I thought it sensible to provide
some advice to young innocents hoping to avoid such advances (though
undoubtedly some of you will be gagging for it) from someone who's
seen it happen all too often.
The
first thing you have to be wary of is people who are too friendly.
Indeed this extends to most areas of life, and is a tip to be taken
on board if you have not already.
The
older gentleman who wishes to help you carry your bags to your room
is either mentally deficient or after something more than a tip,
the bearded third year who offers to take you on a tour of the Archaeology
department (a bus ride away, look out for that one) is only interested
in one type of excavation, and the friendly face who seems so keen
to get your phone number in order to help you settle in, will be
settling himself into your SMS inbox to an extent that will require
police protection.
If
they're too friendly, there's a reason for it. Politeness, manners
and being nice is all fine, and people will be there to help you
find your feet, but if they seem slightly periphery to everything
that is going on, be aware!
The
second important thing to be wary of is second and third years who
are at Freshers' events. There are only three reasons for this.
The first is that they are working there as part of the Students'
Union or a JCRC which is fine; the second is that they are huge
fans of campus entertainment, which is rare, and the third is that
they are on the prowl. The third reason is the one to be wary of.
Should
you come into contact with a second or third year who you believe
to be only interested in you for one thing (that's sex by the way,
if they just want the time, it's generally considered sociable to
reveal all) that you are not eager to give, then I suggest you follow
this advice.
The
general rule of thumb for dealing with STYPs, and indeed for your
life at University, is this: things worth having, don’t come
easy.
You
don’t get a first class degree without working to prisoner
of war extremes, and fantastic people don’t often invite you
to their caravan in Morecambe within minutes of you shaking their
unusually hirsute hand.
My
advice, if you are to find yourself cornered by a STYP would be
as follows. (unless of course you’re a rather lovely young
lady and the STYP happens to be me. But then I’m really very
nice, just ask the BBC…)
You
could lead the perpetrator on into believing that you will (to coin
a wonderfully vulgar phrase) ‘give out’. Once they slip
into this misguided belief, and you have them hooked in a comical
‘they-don’t-know-that-I-know’ vein, you can simply
extract a couple of drinks from them, get them to lend you their
jacket if it’s raining, get them to promise to give you all
their expensive course books that they no longer need (thus saving
you valuable beer money) then tell them you fancy their best mate.
You
can then return to your flatmates to end your evening in wonderful
joy, revelling in the thought that a poor third year biology student
is having to tramp home to Tang Hall in the wind and rain, alone
and scuppered.
And
remember, second and third years may think that they are the experienced
‘know-it-alls’ in every field under the sun, but they’re
not. You’re best off sticking to first years.
Unlikely
to be weathered by York’s harsh terrain or to try and tell
you about their recent project on quarks; more likely just to be
up for a laugh
Back
to the Freshers' Week Survival Pack
If
you've been inspired by Robbie's
words of wisdom and think you could hack it as a student diarist,
find out more
here.
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