|
Over
the past couple of months, anyone who vaguely resembles a student
is guaranteed to look exactly the same: namely pale, drawn, possibly
in a coma (we don’t look like this all the time, honest).
What
on earth can reduce us to such gibbering wrecks?
Exams,
of course.
Exams
are an interesting concept. From my own experience and what I've
noticed from my housemates, students appear to go through the 'seven
stages of exams', akin to the 'seven stages of grief' (although
I'm sure many consider the latter to be the less traumatic).
Stage
One
The first stage comes many months before the actual exam period
itself. It can even manifest itself immediately after the last exams.
This,
I feel, can be only labelled as 'optimism'. This stage usually comes
to light in the pub or at a party; in front of people that you know
well, at least.
"I
will revise properly next time", you announce
with a confident swagger. "
I'll
draw up that revision timetable and set some time aside each day,
rise at seven, work diligently and efficiently and I can flop in
front of Neighbours at twenty to six knowing I've done a
good day's work."
This
stage would continue along its merry way and we would all get full
marks if it were not for the second, and most powerful stage: denial.
Stage
Two
Exams?
What exams? Such denial leads to 'distraction' activities. Distraction
dog walking. Distraction Richard and Judy watching.
But
the most lethal of them all has to be distraction cleaning, as this
is the only thing sorely needed in student houses and in turn actively
encouraged by your housemates.
I think
the lowest point came during my lengthy spell of distraction cleaning
when I argued at length on the phone with my mum about how I couldn't
possibly revise when my room was this dusty.
By
the time all the rooms are spingly and sparkly, the next 'stage'
comes, transforming denial into anger.
Stage
three
Being
a politics student myself, the old argument of exams being a tool
of governmental oppression usually surfaces, ending in a whiny "Why
do I have to do exams anyway?"
Around
this time you start idly texting people on your course about how
their revision is going, and there's always one story about a girl
in another class called Angela who has already done all her revision
and is now spending the rest of her free time helping orphan babies
in Taiwan.
This
results in yet another day wasted grinding your teeth and doodling
'I hate Angela' all over your exam notes.
Now
the exams are getting close, maybe a week or so before the date
of doom.
The
stark reality of exams looms and anger slowly melts away into the
fourth stage of fear.
Stage
four
This is probably the most useful of all the stages, as begrudgingly
the novel concept of actually doing some work becomes the only option
available.
This
'‘fear' stage is quite productive until a day before the exams.
This
is usually replaced by the stage of 'The Fear', which although sounds
suspiciously similar to the last stage, I’m sure anyone who has
experienced any sort of exam will tell you that they are completely
different.
'The
Fear' is a stage of heightened panic, a feeling of 'Oh-my-God-I'm-going-to-fail!'
Personally,
'The Fear' for me is the feeling that my stomach has suddenly metamorphosed
into a washing machine filled with hazardous chemicals, swishing
around mercilessly until the exam itself, usually clicking onto
the setting of 'super fast spin' as you're going into the examination
room.
Then
the exam(s). The less said about that whole thing the better.
Stage
six
The sixth, and definitely the best, stage is sweet, sweet relief.
It's pretty obvious which people on your course have done well,
they're usually chattering excitedly and sailing to the pub with
their feet never touching the ground.
And
for the ones for whom it went badly, they're avoiding eye contact
with everybody and looking for the nearest exit to get the hell
out of there.
Whichever
one you fit into, who cares - it's over!
Stage
seven
The final 'stage of exams' is 'bladdered', and therefore concludes
in the pub, usually having consumed the weekly recommended units
in an evening.
That's
another exam period over, a revision timetable to rip down and stamp
on, another encyclopaedic stack of exam notes to bin.
And
of course, at the end of the night, you'll stand up and with a confident
swagger announce: "You know, I will revise properly
next time.."
Kate
|
