Hello there! Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? No, no don’t tell me – I never forget a face.
Actually that’s not strictly true. I was commentating on a new show, recorded at Pinewood studios during the week. It’s called Guinness World Records Smashed and is presented by that affable Welshman Steve Jones and former Blue Peter honey, Konnie Huq.
In the recording break a woman came up to me and struck up conversation. She seemed to know a fair bit about my career and disturbingly, quite a few personal details.
Mistaking her for a crazy stalkery type fan, I asked her who she was. Imagine my surprise when she told me that she was my agent.
It’s been so long since we saw each other that I had completely forgotten what she looked like. You see these days we conduct all our conversations over the phone and by email. Boy, did I make her feel special.
Anyway in Northern Ireland and at a loose end the other evening we decided to pay a visit to Drumbo Park for a spot of greyhound racing. It’s an increasingly popular sport and attracts a broad cross section of punters, including a party of visiting Americans who it seems, were unversed in the arcane rules of the track.
Never one to pass up on the opportunity to earn a few quid, I dressed Colin up in a donkey jacket and a flat cap and equipped him with a blackboard, easel and a few sticks of chalk.
I told him to stand next to the track just out of sight of the officials and encouraged him to accept bets from these gullible Yanks. The cash came rolling in. £12,000 on one race alone.
However, when these hapless mug punters returned to collect their winnings – Colin politely explained to them, in the slow measured voice he reserves for tourists, that since the rabbit had won they were left holding what is colloquially known as “a beaten docket”.
As things began to turn ugly, I started the car and we were back at the Europa Hotel faster than a rat up an aqueduct.
Remember – as we say in adland : “your home is at risk if you set fire to it”. Hope you enjoy the show.
Toodle Pip!
Voiceover Man.
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