DOMESTIC
VIOLENCE
One in four adults in
Britain has experienced domestic violence, according to a poll carried
out for the BBC. If it’s happening to you, if there’s
violence in your home, you can ring Women’s Aid - but once
you’ve made that call, what happens next? Do you have to go
to a refuge? Is it the end of your relationship? How to take violence
out of your life - Women's Aid 24 Hour Helpline (028) 90
331818.
Domestic
Violence
Three Steps to Ending It
Women's Aid
Will I Have To Go To A Refuge?
How To Help A Friend Get Out
Contacts
Domestic
Violence
Domestic violence is the intentional
and persistent physical, emotional, sexual or financial abuse of
one person by another, with whom they have or have had an intimate
relationship. Over 90% of reported cases of such violence are by
men against women.
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is
very common: it can happen to any woman, regardless
of her age, social class, race, disability or lifestyle. |
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can
start at any point in a relationship, even many years
after you first met. |
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is
rarely a one-off event. Physical violence often escalates
in frequency and severity over time. However, the violence can
take many forms and even though the physical or sexual abuse
may not happen regularly, other forms of abusive or controlling
behaviour may be ongoing. This often results in feeling off-balance
or anxious about the relationship. |
Although every situation is
unique, there are some common behaviours that link the experience
of an abusive relationship.
Acknowledging that you are
in an abusive relationship is an important step in preventing and
stopping the violence.
All forms of abuse - psychological,
economic, emotional, sexual and physical - come from the abuser’s
desire to maintain power and control over another person.
Three Steps To Ending It
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The
first step is to talk to someone. Hopefully, this will
help you to acknowledge that it is happening to you and to stop
playing down the abuse you are experiencing. Women’s Aid
is here to help you come to terms with the violence. |
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The
second step is to recognise that you are not to blame.
No-one deserves to be assaulted, humiliated or abused, least
of all by their partner in what should be a caring relationship.
Women often blame themselves because they have consistently
been told it is their fault. |
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The
third step is to begin seeking the help and support
that is available. This step includes gaining emotional support
and practical help. You can start this process by talking to
a friend that you trust, calling the Women’s Aid Helpline,
or contacting your local Women’s Aid group. You may want
to start thinking about moving to somewhere safe, away from
your abuser, or taking legal action that will protect you and
help prevent the violence against you. |
The prospect of leaving an
abusive relationship can be as frightening as the prospect of staying.
It takes courage for a woman to reach out and seek help and this
process can be painful and distressing.
WOMEN'S
AID
If you, or someone you know,
is experiencing, or has experienced, physical, emotional or sexual
abuse in the home, the Women’s Aid 24 hour Helpline
028 90331818 can give you support, help and information.
You do not have to be in an emergency situation to contact
the Women’s Aid Helpline.
The Helpline is staffed by
paid and voluntary workers, as well as women who have experienced
the benefits of Women’s Aid themselves.
The self-help process which
allows women to take control of their own lives, underpins the work
of Women’s Aid. The Helpline staff will discuss the practical
and legal information available to you and, where necessary, refer
you on to a refuge, a local Women’s Aid group or other agency
that can help. Your local Women’s Aid group may also offer
aftercare or, face-to-face support.
REFUGE
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You
do not have to go to a refuge or leave your relationship to
get support. If you do decide to go to a refuge, you
will be helped to devise a safety plan for leaving. |
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A
refuge is a safe house where you can live free from violence.
It offers temporary accommodation and a breathing space where
decisions can be made free from pressure and fear. |
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If
you have children, you can take them with you, but
you don’t have to have children to stay in a refuge. There
are refuges throughout Northern Ireland. You can choose to travel
as far away from, or stay as near to your home town as you wish.
It may also be possible to get accommodation in refuges run
by similar organisations throughout the UK. |
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You
can stay at the refuge for as long as you need, this
can be anything from a few days to several months. The refuge
will help you if you need to find somewhere permanent to stay.
Continuing support is available from the refuge workers when
needed. The networks established among women in the refuges
are a very important source of support. |
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There
are no hard and fast procedures. Referrals may come
through Social Services, Police, the Housing Executive, Samaritans,
and independent advice centres. You may get in touch with the
refuge directly or through the Helpline. If you need to go to
a refuge in an emergency, the police can take you when asked
to help. Social Workers and GP’s also have lists of refuge
addresses. |
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Any
woman can be the victim of domestic violence, regardless
of her religion, sexual orientation political outlook, culture
or financial circumstances. |
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If you have no
income or are on income support, Housing Benefit covers
rents. When you come to a refuge you are entitled to make a
claim for income support. If you are on a low income the cost
charged will reflect your ability to pay. |
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Living
accommodation is shared, women cook for their own families
and good laundry facilities are available for washing and drying
clothes. Families will have their own sleeping accommodation.
Outings and playgroups are sometimes arranged for the children. |
Women’s Aid recognises
that many women require safety and support to remain in their home
and in their own community.
The majority of local Women’s
Aid groups also run advice centres, drop- in centres or outreach
services to more isolated areas. You can call in to see someone
or telephone for advice and support, without having to stay in
a refuge.
HOW
TO HELP
Unless you are trying to assist someone who has been very open
about their experiences it may be difficult for you to acknowledge
the problem directly. However, there are some basic steps that
you can take to assist a friend, family member, colleague, neighbour
or anyone you know who confides in you that they are experiencing
domestic abuse.
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Gather
all the information you can about domestic violence.
Sometimes your own feelings about the violence may make it
difficult for you to confront the situation. Contact your
local Women’s Aid group for help and talk to staff about
your concerns. |
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Letting
your friend know that you care and are willing to
listen may be the best help you can offer. Never blame your
friend for what’s happening or underestimate her fear
of potential danger. |
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Remember
that your friend must make her own decisions about
her life. Focus on supporting your friend’s right to
make her own choices. |
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When
your friend asks for advice on what she should do,
share the information you’ve gathered with her privately.
Encourage her to seek the assistance of Women’s Aid.
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Many
abused women first seek the advice of marriage counsellors,
doctors, or members of the clergy. Not all helping professionals,
however, are fully aware of the special circumstances of abused
women. If the first person your friend contacts is not helpful,
she should be encouraged to find assistance elsewhere. |
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Encourage
your friend to develop a plan to protect herself
and her children. Help her think through the steps she should
take if her partner becomes abusive again. Make a list of
people your friend can call in an emergency. |
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Abused women
live with emotional as well as physical abuse. The
abuser probably continually tells your friend that she is
a bad person, a bad wife, and a bad mother. Without positive
reinforcement from outside the home, she may begin to believe
she can’t do anything right - that there really is something
wrong with her. |
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Give
your friend the emotional support she needs to believe
that she is a good person. Help her examine her strengths
and skills. Emphasize that she deserves a life that is free
from violence. |
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If she decides
to leave...
The first place your friend should call is the local Women’s
Aid group or Helpline. Staff at the Women’s Aid refuge
can help your friend examine the options. If she decides to
leave, the refuge may be the safest place she can go. Be very
careful when offering and providing safety in your own home.
The abused woman frequently faces the most physical danger
when she attempts to leave. Be very discreet and talk to Women’s
Aid staff about the best way to handle this. |
Be a friend in deed...
Tell your friend you’re there for her when she needs you.
Provide whatever you can; transport; child care; financial assistance.
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It cannot
be over emphasized that physical abuse is a crime that can
result in serious injury and even death. If you know that
violence is occurring, and are concerned for your friend’s
or neighbour’s safety call the police immediately. Calling
the police does not always mean the abuser will be put in
jail. It is simply the most effective way to protect the victim
and her children from immediate harm. |
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Discuss
a safety plan by telephoning the Women’s Aid helpline
or your local group |
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Know where
the nearest telephone is located |
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Know where
refuge can be sought |
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Make a list
of important and emergency numbers |
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Save money for bus
or taxi fare |
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Have an
extra set of keys to home and car |
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Pack an emergency bag
- take enough clothes, including school uniforms and children’s
favourite possessions |
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Consider when it is
best to leave. Discuss it with the children. It is important
to try to leave with all the children |
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Keep important documents
together e.g. benefit books, medical cards, certificates,
bank books, legal orders etc |
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Keep a note of the family’s
essential medicines |
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Leave when partner
is not around
Take all of the children
Take personal belongings
Take clothing for several days
Take toys
Take any essential medicine
Take important documents
Take control
Get violence out of your life! |
CONTACT
Northern Ireland Women's
Aid Federation
129 University Street
Belfast BT7 1HP
Tel: 02890 249041
Fax: 02890 239296
24 hour domestic violence helpline: 028 9033 1818
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