| If
You Ask Me
by John
Coulter
This
week saw the launch of the new James Bond blockbuster, Casino Royale.
Over the years, Bond has fought and defeated many enemies, including the
evil Spectre organisation. But no matter what the odds, he always comes
out on top.
Northern Ireland's
warring politicians need to kill off the spectre of their own Cold War.
The message from the people is simple – bring back our very own
Casino Royale, namely, the multi-million pound Stormont Assembly. Maybe
if the MLAs adopted a James Bond mentality, the Saint Andrews Agreement
would become a living reality, not a moaning spook.
Now I'm not saying
Stormont's corridors are plagued by spooks – well, ask Sinn Fein.
But if the DUP and the Shinners let the Assembly go down the tubes, maybe
some of you MLA's could get jobs at MI5's new plush headquarters at Holywood.
But enough of this
gloom; we know you Paisleyites won't be that daft and hand Loyal Ulster
over to Dublin rule through joint authority.
If James Bond can
score every time, why can't the Jaws of Unionism, the Rev Ian Paisley
seal the deal with Sinn Fein's Goldfinger Martin McGuinness.
And won't those establishment
big guns M and Q, Bertie Ahern and Tony Blair, be delighted if at the
end of the Saint Andrews dance, our Paisley climbs into bed with McGuinness
– politically speaking, of course.
Our cosy couple will
be able to snuggle that little bit closer knowing that M and Q are providing
big bucks for Ulster – 700 million from the Republic. But will the
chuckling Chancellor, Blofeld Brown really cough up that 50 billion sweetener
he's promised?
Now there's talk
of a fudge over nominations on the 24th. If only we’d let the women
politicians do the negotiating in Scotland, then our Assembly would have
been back in business by Christmas.
But it’s still
not too late to send for the Shinners’ answer to the cute Miss Moneypenny
– so bring back Bairbre de Brun.
And there's only one
female Prod who could possibly put republicans in their place –
Unionism's Pussy Galore – the delightful Iris Robinson.
But who will assume
the mantel of Ulster's James Bond double O 7. Who has the charm, stamina,
good looks and ability to calm the most troublesome of storms? No, not
Peter Hain. There's only one – the name is Jeffrey, Jeffrey Bond
– double O five and a half.
Having caused mayhem
for the Ulster Unionist Party , wee Jeffrey pulled a death-defying stunt
by jumping to the DUP. And now Unionism's special agent is gonna sort
out the Paisleyites.
The
DUP maybe shaken, not stirred over the St Andrews deal. But Jeffrey Bond
would be wise to watch his step. There’s a new Dr No of Unionism
lurking in the wings – the MEP Jim Allister.
If
You Ask Me Archive
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