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16 October 2014
Colin and Cumberland, webchatsColin and Cumberland, webchats

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word bank
cumberlandNo "ideal men" for Betty!

Name: Melvine
Location: Leeds
Question: I'm preparing for the Miss Leeds contest. I know that you won Miss Aberant back in 1922. What advice would you have for me to help me win the competition?
Betty: There are two things I found very helpful back in 1922: a) bribing the judges and b) giving the other contestants food poisoning with my home made vanilla and laver bread ice cream (secret ingredient - salmonella). It also helps to shave your toes and if your swimsuit is made of wool, don't let it get wet before the judging as it will only sag in the most embarrassing areas. That is why I failed to win Miss Aberant 1921 - I learned the hard way.

Name: Andrea
Location: Belfast
Question: I just love your accessories. Where do you get them?
Betty: I shop mainly at Hags 'R' Us in Aberant or nip on the bus to the neighbouring village Limbo, and visit World of Crimpelene.

Name: Tim Davies
Location: Swansea
Question: Have you always lived alone apart from with Slowcomb?
Betty: No, I lived with my husband until he went missing in action during the Boer War, though that was strange because the war had been over for a couple of years by then .... Since that time, I ... hang on, it's none of your business!

Name: Dave
Location: Llandudno
Question: How do I say what is your name?
Betty: Is that the best chat up line you can think of? I hope you've got a better follow-on, Dave. "C'ainm atá ort?" See the Little Black Book to help you think of some more.

Name: Angus
Location: Fife

Question: What is it like living next door to Colin?
Betty: Hell on earth. The racket he makes, it's just as well I don't bother with batteries for my hearing aid. I'm keeping my eye on him and just waiting for a chance to get my own back ...

Name: Joan
Location: Scotland
Question: Did you know Colin as a boy?
Betty: Did he grow up? I see no evidence of it. Yes, over tea at her house Frannie used to bore me rigid with photographs of her idiot grandson. I only endured it because she was a dab hand at custard slices.

Name: Bob
Location: Cardiff
Question: Do you know Colin doesn't speak on the radio?
Betty: What does he do then - juggle? Just as well I don't listen to him, he's ruined that entire wavelength for me, the selfish ainniseoir ... You can find some more insults in the Little Back Book on the left hand side.

Name: Mary-Anne
Location: Scotland
Question: Who's your ideal man?
Betty: There are no ideal men Mary-Anne, it's time you realised that or your life will be full of heartache and infinite chasms of disappointment. The one who came closest was Ivor Novello: he was Welsh and could sing beautifully. But I found out he already had a boyfriend.

Name: John
Location: Northern Ireland
Question: What's the best bit of gossip you know?
Betty: I don't kiss and tell, John. All right, I do ... go on - kiss me then!

Name: Derek
Location: Northern Ireland
Question: Do you wear a wig or is your hair for real?
Betty: Me hair is real. It's a real wig. Have you no concept of existentialism Derek? What do they teach you in schools these days?


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