In Your Own Words

Are You Afraid Of Vampires?

Are you afraid of vampires?  You should be, I know I am.  And Jonesy.  We both are.  But then we know something you don’t.  They say knowledge is power, and they’re right (whoever they are?).  The knowledge we have keeps us safe, whilst every day the end is drawing nearer for you.

I don’t want to sound dramatic, but I do want to scare you, to wake you up to the truth.  Not the Truth, with a capital ‘T’.  That’s just the c**p they feed you all your life.  But the real truth.  What’s really going on.  Vampires.  That’s what we’re talking about.  Not your Count Dracula sort of stuff.  That’s just for books and films. Hah!  Sorry – had to laugh – just realised the irony of it all – films! Hah!

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, I’m talking real vampires.  Oh – and not those people who go around dressed up as Morticia Adams, saying they’re vampires.  Saying they only drink blood (and only come out at night).  Losers.  I mean the only reason they only come out at night is ‘cause you’d see their shadow in the day.  And that would really blow a hole in their story, wouldn’t it! Hah!

No, the truth we have, Jonesy and me (did I mention Jonesy?  Oh yeah sorry), the truth we have is that right now, in your house, there’s a vampire.  Not just your house, but nearly every house.  More than one in most.

Now don’t turn around, expecting to see a mouth of fangs grinning at you.  Remember, that’s stuff’s just for books (and losers without a life).  Now before I tell all, I need you to sit down and take a few breaths.  And have an open mind.  It’ll help.  At first you’re not going to believe me.  Think that I’m the loser.  But that’s OK.  It’s not your fault.  See, the vampire’s been at you for a while now, slowly sucking at your soul.  And you - the willing victim.

I hope, no pray, that you’re an open minded victim.  ‘Cause if you are, then there’s hope for you.  You have time, more than enough, but only if you have an open mind.  Oh, and faith in a stranger.  But let me tell you that I have nothing to gain from you believing me, or not.  How could I?  It’s entirely up to you.  But I’ve seen the light.  And Jonesy.  Jonesy helped me and now I’m trying to help you.

I mean, we’re nothing special.  We’re just the little guys.  But often it’s the little guys that can make a difference.  And believe you me, we’re gonna make a difference.  ‘Cause we know what makes them tick.  And we know how to stop them.  It’s simple really, and the answer really was in those corny books! Hah!

Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked.  Where were we?  Oh yeah, open mind.  You probably think you’ve got one.  But if you have, believe you me, it’s not gonna be very open.  And that’s the vampire in your house.  Feeding on your soul.  But you can beat it.  You don’t need garlic, or silver bullets.  But you need faith.  Faith in yourself.  You can do it, if you want to enough.

OK.  Lets get down to it.  Cut the c**p, as Jonesy says.  Soul sucking vampire in your house.  Where?  I’ll tell you where.  Where you are.  Where you spend most of your time.  In the lounge.  In your bedroom.  Perhaps even in your kitchen.  Nowadays, sometimes even in your car – can you believe it?

The vampire I’m talking about is the television, the TV.  OK, OK, I know what you’re thinking, but you’ve listened so far, so listen a bit more.  If at the end you think I’m certifiable, a nutcase, fair enough.  I’ve tried.  And what have you lost?  A few minutes, that’s all.  And how many minutes do you lose in front of that thing? Go on, how many.  I’ll bet you’d be surprised.  And what’s happening when you’re there.  I’ll tell you what.  Your soul is being slowly sucked out through your eyes.  And what’s being left behind?  A brain being slowly turned to mush – grey goo.

Don’t take mine or Jonesy’s word for it (it took me a while to be convinced, but then Jonesy’s very convincing).  Just look around.  At your fellow victims.  Blank look.  Unresponsive.  Drooling.  OK, perhaps not drooling, but you see where I’m coming from.  And you know what’s worse?  I’ll tell you.  You’re actually paying, and I mean real money, to have this thing drain your very essence from you.  Not just to buy the thing, but to feed it.  And if you’re starting to get the picture – sorry, no pun intended! – you’ll realise it’s not just mains electricity it eats, but your electricity too.

And that’s not all.  They send round those big vans, covered in aerials, checking up on you.  They do two jobs.  They make sure you’ve paid.  State run vampirism, if there’s such a word.  But they also make sure you’ve got a TV.  And if you haven’t, they log it.  Write it down.  They know you and they’ll be watching you.

Now it’s up to you whether you believe me or not.  But if you don’t, just remember, I’ve nothing to gain.  I’m not wasting my life in front of that thing, that soulsucker.  You see Jonesy saved me.  I think I’d be gone if it wasn’t for him.  And now we’re on a mission.  Like the Jehova’s I guess.  Hah! In fact just like them.

I’m preaching to you, spreading the word. Hah!  But not just spreading the word.  I’m taking action.  Against the Truth they’ve spoon fed us all our lives.  We’re taking action.  It’s the only way.  Jonesy said so.  And it’s not rash.  This is planned.  Meticulously.  For months.  We set a trap, see.  For one of them.  It’s the only way.  To start hitting back.  I mean, we’re the ones taking the risk here.

We had to get a TV.  I mean, you can’t set a trap without bait, can you?  And our trap worked.  A treat.  It took a while, but we waited.  This is serious stuff, you know.  We put the TV in the attic.  It was on, but with the sound and picture turned down.  But it was on, and that’s all we needed.  We had to sleep downstairs.  Couldn’t stay too close.  But it worked and it’s off now.

I’ve gotta go, but remember what I’ve said.  Just look around.  It’s your doom if you don’t believe me.  Gotta go.  Jonesy’s calling.  I’ve gotta help him.  The work of the Just, he calls it.  He’ll hold the stake, but I’ve gotta use the hammer.  We’ll swap next time.  That way it’s fair.

It’s a great plan, really.  Jonesy’s a genius.  We’ll use the guy’s own detector van to get rid of the body.  I’m feeling a little scared, but not guilty.  I mean he deserves it.  He’s the Vampire’s assistant, isn’t he?  Gotta go.  Coming Jonesy...