A Point of View: Why books do not prepare us for real love

 
Letters spelling 'I love you'

Literature's lust for unrequited love leaves us ill prepared for the reality of what love really is, says Alain de Botton in his weekly column.

From my early adolescence through to my early 30s, my most intense feelings of love were towards people who had little or no interest in loving me back.

Women who already had boyfriends, who meant to return my calls but had a habit of losing numbers, who gently explained they needed a little more time on their own, or preferred not to let sex spoil a valuable friendship.

Far from deserving pity for my fate I was in fact strangely blessed, for my apparent misfortune put me in touch with the most intense of all varieties of love - the unrequited kind.

Anyone who reads even a few novels about love will swiftly recognise that love in literature is almost always impeded in some way. What we call a love story is nothing of the sort, it is merely a story of love's interruption and delay. It is the record of a gradual victory over a range of obstacles to a happy union (parents, society, shyness, cowardice). With the consummation of love, there tends to be only one thing left for an author to do - end the story.

Australian Ballet's Romeo and Juliet Romeo is not known for his sense of humour

This focus on unrequitedness is of course a great solace for the lovelorn. It means that their feelings are continually heightened and confirmed by what they read. They are trained to dwell on, and even celebrate, the bitter-sweet sensations of waiting for a phone call and microwaving meals-for-one.

My immersion in literature made it natural that I should have been left somewhat unprepared for a most surprising event that befell me in my early 30s. Surprising, that is, for someone whose favourite novels had long included Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther (an unhappy quest for love followed by suicide) and Tolstoy's Anna Karenina (ditto).

I met someone, she didn't fail to call back, she didn't prefer to leave it at friendship, she didn't have to get home for work the next day. We fell in love and got married.

Suddenly, literature ceased to be any useful guide to what to expect. All that my books had prepared me for was an image of continuous perfection, a "happy love" that was essentially without any movement or action. It was a static image, like the sort we might have of a faraway holiday destination, and in a host of ways as unrelated to the reality of love as a postcard is to the reality of travel.

Literature and philosophy often dwell on the way that, soon after meeting our loved one, we may be filled with the curious sense that we know them already. It seems as though we've met them somewhere before, in a previous life perhaps, or in our dreams.

Hermaphrodites

In Plato's Symposium, Aristophanes explains this feeling of familiarity with the claim that the loved one was our long lost "other half" whose body we had originally been stuck to. All human beings used to be hermaphrodites, recounts Aristophanes, creatures with four hands and four legs and two faces turned in opposite directions on the same head. But these hermaphrodites were so powerful and their pride so overweening that Zeus was forced to cut them in two - into a male and female half - and from that day, each man and each woman has yearned to rejoin the half from which he or she has been severed.

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Alain de Botton

Unrequited love may be painful, but it is safely painful, because it does not involve inflicting damage on anyone but oneself”

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I date the realisation that, despite all that united us, my wife was perhaps not the person from whom Zeus's cruel stroke had severed me, to a moment shortly after our move in together when she introduced me to a kettle she'd bought for the house. It was practical, efficient, but exactly the kind of kettle I hated. If we were actually in love, how was she able to declare a household item beautiful which I found ugly?

It took me only a few moments to shake myself free of that most pervasive and unhelpful of all literary romantic myths: the idea that happy love must mean conflict-free love. Differences between my wife and I gathered over a host of small matters of taste and opinion.

Why did I insist on leaving the pasta to boil for those fatal extra minutes? Why was I so attached to my ragged winter coat? Why did she always park the car with one of its wheels squashed against the kerb? Why was I such a light sleeper? Why did she have to own so many clothes if she wore so few?

It is surely not coincidental that most great lovers in literature are devoid of a sense of humour. It is as hard to imagine cracking a joke with Romeo as it is with Young Werther, both of them seem differently but desperately intense. And with the inability to laugh comes an inability to acknowledge the messiness and complexity of all things human, the contradictions inherent in any union, the need to accept that your partner will never learn to park the car or cook the pasta - but that you love them nevertheless.

Humour renders direct confrontation unnecessary, you can glide over an irritant, winking at it obliquely, making a criticism without actually needing to speak it ("By this joke I let you know that I dislike X without needing to tell you so, your laughter acknowledges the criticism").

Harem

It is a sign that two people have stopped loving one another (or at least stopped wishing to make the effort that constitutes an astonishing degree of what true, mature love appears to be), when they are no longer able to spin differences into jokes. Humour lines the walls of irritation between our ideals and reality. Behind each joke, there can be a hint of difference, of disappointment even, but it is a difference that has been defused and can therefore be passed over without the need for melodrama.

We are taught to imagine that romantic love might be akin to Christian love, a universal emotion that would allow us to declare: "I will love you for everything that you are." A love without conditions or boundaries, a love that is the embodiment of acceptance.

Married couple Marriage doesn't mean love becomes bland

But the arguments that even the closest couples experience are a reminder that Christian love does not well survive the transition into the bedroom. Its message seems more suited to the universal than the particular, to the love of all men for all women, to the love of two companions who will not hear each other clipping their toe-nails.

Married love teaches us that we bring all of ourselves into a marriage - anxiety, boredom, free-floating sadness and alarm. I continue sometimes to feel unhappy about my work, to worry about my future and to be disappointed with myself and with my friends. Except that now, rather than sharing my sorrows, I tend to blame the person who lives beside me for them. My wife isn't just a witness to my problems, on a bad day, she can sadly end up being held responsible for them.

Unrequited love may be painful, but it is safely painful, because it does not involve inflicting damage on anyone but oneself. It's a private pain that is as bitter-sweet as it is self-induced. But as soon as love is reciprocated, you have to be prepared to give up the passivity of simply being hurt and take on the responsibility of perpetrating hurt yourself.

'Frantic desire'

There have been other surprising things about marriage and the experience of requited love. One of the most challenging is the intense dependence it brings. Proust tells the story of Mohammed II who, sensing that he was falling in love with one of his wives in his harem, at once had her killed because he did not wish to live in spiritual bondage to another.

However far fetched a response, the story nevertheless captures something about the dangers of true love. A marriage is scary in part because it involves putting oneself almost wholly in someone else's hands. If my wife and I have an argument, we can no longer, as we might have done in the past, go off back to our own flats. There is now only one marital home. But though this constricted space may often be an imposition, in reality, it is also the best medium I have ever encountered for understanding the word compromise.

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  • A Point of View, with Alain de Botton, is on Fridays on Radio 4 at 2050 GMT and repeated Sundays, 0850 GMT

Most of Western literature seems committed to the idea that love cannot last, it is based on absence and lack and is killed by routine and stability. "When you come to live with a woman, you will soon cease to see anything of what made you love her," writes Proust, unhelpfully, but representatively. According to this view, love is simply a direction, not a place and burns itself out with marriage.

Montaigne declared that: "In love, there is nothing but a frantic desire for what flees from us." A view echoed by Anatole France's maxim that: "It is not customary to love what one has."

But under the guise of worldly cynicism, this approach in fact betrays a quasi-adolescent blindness, for it attributes all the excitement and heroism of love to its unrequited part, while implicitly suggesting that there must be something at once easy and unheroic about the quest for everyday happiness.

As I now recognise, marriage is rarely in danger of being dull, and never in danger of being simple. The word marriage, suburban and colourless in its connotations, in fact hides a welter of intensity and depth that puts to shame the most passionate works of literature.

 

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  • rate this
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    Comment number 59.

    "Differences between my wife and I" should be "Differences between my wife and me".

  • rate this
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    Comment number 58.

    "All human beings used to be hermaphrodites, recounts Aristophanes... Zeus was forced to cut them in two - into a male and female half."

    Actually Arisrophanes speech refers to all three sexes, male, female and hermaphrodite; he recognises that there are couples where both parties are male or both female. The Symposium is an early discussion of homosexual love.

  • rate this
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    Comment number 57.

    I am reminded of a quote by someone (can't quite remember who, President Eisenhower perhaps?) who said something along the lines of "a successful marriage is much more dependent upon what one doesn't say rather than what one does". Wisdom indeed!

  • rate this
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    Comment number 56.

    Finally, a decent piece by Mr de Botton! The main problem, of course, is that 'love' is so many things. The literary treatment cannot be understood unless we look at history, where love and marriage were almost always two quite independent worlds. Marriage was a matter of social standing and economincs (perhaps I should say 'economics and economics'). Love happened elsewhere for most.

  • rate this
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    Comment number 55.

    We need more role models of married couples who are friends and face problems together united as one but who are also exciting and cool. I always enjoyed Hart to Hart in the 80's because they were a married couple who were hot for each other and who also did exciting stuff like solve crimes. Now our role models are soaps where everyone is mean to each other & no one is caperble of being faithful.

  • rate this
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    Comment number 54.

    Nice article, but it's (para 13) "differences between my wife and me..." not "I". Or "myself".

  • rate this
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    Comment number 53.

    Well, the point of the article as I see it was to illustrate the divide between love as presented in literature and love as we experience it in real life, and how the expectations arising from the former momentarily confused Mr de Botton when he finally experienced the latter in its most consummated form, marriage. Do readers want to read about `real` love?

  • rate this
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    Comment number 52.

    I don't see this article as developing anything new at all. Anyone who has ever taken a relationship of any sort with another person seriously, would be able to glean as much useful information from own experience. If you want to start demystifying the framework of relationships, start with topics in Evolutionary Psychology, including sexual selection, behavioral economics and self deception.

  • rate this
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    Comment number 51.

    Low Orbit Vacancy Enquiry - Apply Within.

  • rate this
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    Comment number 50.

    there is one thing some woman love to be telled I LOVE YOU is the tree thing WOMAN would be lovely to be telled that.

  • rate this
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    Comment number 49.

    An excellent, welcome article, and more optimistic than De Botton's feature in the 'Culture Show'. I am sure he would agree, as a philosopher, that meeting a suitable long-term partner is nothing to do with 'fate', but merely, like much else, a matter of luck, judgement and a little courage. But luck, or lack of, should not vex us - just try and keep positive, pro-active and open to possibilities.

  • rate this
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    Comment number 48.

    Good article! I think there is a perception of marriage that it will either become very boring after a number of years, or that the two of you will start to irritate each other beyond belief, and that marriages are largely doomed to dissatisfaction if not outright failure for those reasons. I don't subscribe to this view. Make a little tolerance and keep yourself fun and honest, is my answer.

  • rate this
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    Comment number 47.

    Alain is quite correct in stating that humour is a major component of a successful relationship... that gentle chiding, and a tolerance and love for the foibles of another human being, are what keep us together... I know, having been with my wife for over 22 years!

  • rate this
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    Comment number 46.

    Wonderful article! I can relate being a lover of books such as "Anna Karenina" and a true romantic...

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    Comment number 45.

    @remi22 - I was happy in a relationship but remember meeting 'the one' for the first time. The initial 'illness' wore off after three years (symptoms: sleepless nights, intense feelings) but he still returns to haunt me from time to time. I wish we could talk - I think we could rehabilitate each other! Wanting what we can't have? Maybe, but it was strange and rather wonderful.

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    Comment number 44.

    Men are so stupid. A book which has taken a year to write and placed all my experiences of life into it. We (men) consider women difficult, have convenient headaches etc - how stupid we are. Love is something which society expects but the truth is we want much more excitement, passion, danger, erotisism to make it work, these are things which make and break relationships. [Personal details removed by Moderator]

  • rate this
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    Comment number 43.

    What about unrequited friendship? Doesn't that hurt just as badly?

  • rate this
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    Comment number 42.

    True love consists of pure joy... it's the adolescent bumblings whilst in search of it that can cause pain to those who fail to distinguish between the real thing and a powerful attack of lust!

  • rate this
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    Comment number 41.

    In families
    It does not means that a person must place another brain is placed into a prison state. So they cannot display any emotions to a loved one. The lyrics behind a person's life " http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrBk6CNdsQ0 "

  • rate this
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    Comment number 40.

    It occurs to me that Socrates' remark is germain in this context:
    Get married, in any case. If you happen to get a good mate, you will be happy; if a bad one, you will become philosophical, which is a fine thing in itself. ~Socrates, in Diogenes Laertius, Lives

 

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