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The end of the book bag years
The end of primary school is a rite of passage for pupils and parents
It's almost the end of the school year in England. For children reaching the end of primary school, it will be one of the biggest transitions in their young lives.
There will be parties and special events and a massive tear-fest in the playground, with children writing on each other's T-shirts and promising to keep in touch.
But never mind the children. What about the parents?
It's the end of a stage in their lives too. The primary school that seemed so unfamiliar at first will have become part of a daily routine. It's a reassuring place where the children have grown up.
And it's not just the children who are worried about losing their friends.
Strong social networks often form among the parents. In cities where people don't know their neighbours, primary schools remain a place where families get to know each other very well.
They arrive as strangers when their children are four and by the time their children leave, the primary school has become the cornerstone of parents' social lives.
Book clubs, babysitting arrangements, drinking arrangements, lift-sharing, parties, joint holidays, all radiate from the school gate.
Primary schools are the nearest things left to the village green.
This kind of cosy familiarity won't exist in secondary school, which children ominously describe as "big school".
'Cocktail of emotions'The parents, holding back a tear in the leavers' assembly, are experiencing their own sense of loss, says psychologist Peter Sharp.
The leavers' assembly is a guaranteed tear-fest
"It's a rite of passage, with its own cocktail of emotions. There's a sense in which parents feel they're losing their babies, their children are already showing some of the signs of the adolescence to come," he says.
This is deep-rooted stuff. It's a great big illuminated sign showing that time is passing.
"It's the first sign of children's greater independence. But it can also serve as a sign of thoughts about your own mortality," he says.
This is a time laden with memories and poignancy. That young dad who walked their child into nursery has gone, as well as the young child.
Children come home on their last day with pictures and old artwork from when they were infants and it feels like a lost world.
Leaving ritualsThe strength of people's feelings at such times can take them unawares, says the psychologist.
He talks of the long drive home for parents who have left their children at university for the first time - and realising the magnitude of the change in their lives.
Siobhan Freegard, co-founder of the Netmums website, says that leaving primary schools is "a big deal for children, but an even bigger deal for parents".
“Start Quote
End Quote Siobhan Freegard NetmumsIt's a big deal for children, but an even bigger deal for their parents”
It means "letting go" after the primary years, when children are still under their parents' wings.
And she says it can mean the break-up of those close-knit groups of friends that emerge among primary school parents. "They become your substitute family," she says.
The need to mark the occasion of leaving primary school has prompted a growth in end-of-term events.
There are stretched limousines, prom-style parties, barbecues and day trips.
A proposed end-of-term event in East Renfrewshire was stopped by the council because it was literally going over the top. A parent wanted to deliver their child to a leavers' party in a helicopter.
Head teacher Steph Neale says that at his primary school - Beatrix Potter in Wandsworth, London - there will be rituals of children writing their names on each other's T-shirts and a leavers' barbecue to say goodbye to parents.
He's expecting everyone to be in tears.
For the children who are leaving, he says there can be an underlying fear of the unknown about the secondary school ahead of them and an anxiety about leaving the safety of the primary environment.
"They're no longer going to be the big fish," he says.
It's the point at which they leave behind a kind of enforced innocence, before they meet the outside world.
For parents too, he says, it means stepping away from a place which has become part of their family life.
When pupils are scattered to so many different schools, it means the breaking up of a group of parents, as well as their children.
"Primary schools are unique places. They have strong links in the community. Even in the toughest areas, there will still be a sense of belonging around a primary school."
As such, Mr Neale says it's not just former pupils who stay in touch with each other when they leave. There are also parties held for the parents.
The summer holidays are almost here. For children on the verge of leaving primary school, their book bag years are over.
I entirely agree with the article and I share that sense of loss so beatifully described. Having two grown up sons - both now qualified secondary school teachers - I went through all the described milestones of education before. Still my youngest daughter leaving assembly of last week, in the lovely 14th century church just outside the school grounds, had me in tears again... I could not refrain myself, furthermore reading this article opened again the floodgates... Please recommend a therapist ASAP
Brilliant article - so good to know that it is not just me who is feeling like this. My daughter has just left her primary school,and, while she is really excited about moving on to secondary, alone with none from her primary school, the end of term was a very traumatic time. I am not sure that the big build-up of events and parties and the removal of schoolday routine was such great help.
Good grief! What a fuss about nothing. Get on with your lives and stop being so wrapped up in your children that you have no life of your own.
Reading all the wingeing and whining, I just feel very grateful that I'm not a parent!
just come home from a year 6 moms meal out, all of us dreading the leavers assembly tomorrow morning, your article is so well written and so true, we all want time to stand still and have another few years at primary school.
Of course, once upon a time, on leaving junior school (as it was called then), you knew that most of your friends would be at the same secondary school with you next term. They wouldn't always be in the same class, but they wouldn't all vanish.
For me the anticipation of my children leaving junior school was actually worse than the event itself. Of course there were tears from the girls but when it came to it they were so ready and exited to move on to the next stage, as was I, that what was being left behind was already just a happy memory.
Limos for primary school Leavers? Really?
I have just been to my Daughter's leaving assembly and everything the article says is true. There was not a dry eye in the house (including the teachers). It was wonderful but it makes you realise how quickly they grow up and we should cherish every moment.
This article really resonates with me at the moment. My eldest son is about to leave his primary school this week and I am dreading his leavers' assembly on Thursday because I know I will be in floods of tears! And I'm not the only parent from his year who feels like that. It's a cliche but it really does seem like yesterday that he started. It really made sense to read and realise that I won't be crying just for him but for me too! I'm determined that he'll keep in touch with all his friends - he's going to a secondary school with just two people he knows, not friends - so I feel doubly heartbroken that it's an end of an era. Somebody pass the tissues!
Couldn't disagree more. Although, admittedly, it depends on the child. First time round, maybe, my son was in a lovely class. But second time round, am counting the seconds til our mutual release. Daughter's class has been just horrible: a mix of clashing personalities all imbued with sense of own importance, thuggy boys, princessy girls; and then there's the toxic parents. Rife with competition and nasty gossipy huddles. Shudder. Cannot wait to leave. Roll on big school and the loss of helicopter parents, entitled children and stress. It will do this little lot to be the small fish. Ah happy Wednesday afternoon. I'm not so naive as to think that there won't be the possibility for problems come September. But they will be different.
I'm so glad its not just me! My youngest child is about to leave primary school and I do find myself feeling very tearful and literally have to hold back the tears! However, happiness comes with no more school runs although no doubt one day I will miss them too!
The chance of seeing my daughter on the last day at school would be a miracle. Her mother has stopped my contact with her a long time ago. Bet you don't publish this one.
I have just been to my elder daughter's leaving assembly today and recognise all the sentiments in the article. It was lovely to see pictures of them from their Reception class which at once seems a lifetime ago and just yesterday. We are still in the 3 tier system so our children are only 8 and 9 years old and will be moving up to middle school in September. They are going from a little village school of 50 children (just 9 Year 4s) to a school of 550 but they go having benefitted from 5 years of the most caring, nurturing environment during which they have been taught many values that will go with them through middle and upper school and beyond. As for me, I still have another 3 years to enjoy at the school with my younger daughter before I really have to let go!
There has not been a prom like party at my daughters school, quite rightly I feel. She is 11 and if there is a huge celebration leaving junior school then what has she to look forward to at the end of secondary school? I am looking forward to celebrating the end of junior school with my middle child this week. Tomorrow will see her participating in a leavers assembly and then later in the day a leavers barbeque. I will not lose friendships I have made with other parents as I am an adult and have learnt how to maintain relationships with others. As my daugher moves to secondary school and my son to university this September, they too, will be continuing in their journey to adulthood.
Our daughter is leaving her school this week, and on Thursday all the Y6'ers are off on a mystery trip involving, yes, limos, Planet Hollywood, etc, etc - organised by a professional event organiser parent no less (it's a CofE state school). Given that I have been crying at my kids standing at the back, and now in the front, in school plays for the last however many years, I don't expect this week to be any different. I am really very aware of the change my daughter will go through. She is approaching adolescence, about to go to a school where she knows no-one at all, and she is really scared that she will lose touch with the friends she has spent most of her life with. It's the little things though, isn't it? Last week as she was drifting off to sleep, out of the blue, and for the first time ever in this way, she said to me, 'I love you dad'. I didn't cry then.
My youngest has just left secondary school. I feel as though my life has just come to an end. What am I going to do in the morning and at 3pm, I will be lost, unwanted, I will have spare time, something I always said I wanted, but I have changed my mind, I do not want spare time, I want my babies back.
Oh for heaven's sake. When I left Junior School we had a last day at school - played games in the afternoon I think - and that was it. My dad was glad not to have to be involved with the PTA any more (involved = one afternoon at the school fete looking unenthusiastic at the tombola/pick-a-straw with the other dads). My mum worked so she never saw the school gate open, even. This was in the olden days - before gap years, prom parties and racking up years of debt in order to get a degee (you just lived in penury for three years rather than maxing the credit card). Maybe those days weren't so bad, eh?
Oh my goodness! It's not just the parents or children, we teachers can dread it too. This year, we have our first leavers for a long time after the school changed from infant to primary. These children are very special to us, even those of us who have been there only a year. Of course, there are some classes where one suppresses a smile when they leave, but for the large majority of children, it's a wrench to see them go. We have had seven wonderful years with them, getting to know their characters and strengths, helping them to overcome all sorts of problems and then, we have to say "goodbye",trusting them to a big secondary school. Always wondering whether they will nurture our little treasures as we believe they should.
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