Paper Monitor: The bottom lines

It has the potential to become a classic love story - the tale of the sort-of princess and the sort-of pauper.

"He hasn't got a castle or title. But Pippa can't keep her hands off Nico," coos the Daily Mail.

Pippa, of course, is Pippa Middleton, the famous Vanity Fair contributing editor and Waitrose lifestyle columnist. Nico Jackson is her handsome boyfriend.

"Oblivious to passers-by, lost in their own amorous bubble, the pair gaze into each others' eyes and then move in for a kiss."

"She slips his hand round his waist and he..."

What could it be?

"...clasps the world's best known behind".

It probably helps to mention at this point that they have been playing tennis and are looking very fetching - she in a short white skirt.

For anybody wondering what the whole sordid scene looks like there are pictures.

"The couple kiss and Nico's hand wanders," says the caption for one.

In another, Pippa's hand also strays: "Love all: Not to be outdone, Pippa joins in with the passionate clinch."

The Sun picks the story up, explaining that Pippa's "world famous bum is the centre of attention again".

Nico, it explains, "patted her peachy rear as they smooched in the sun".

For easily shocked readers there is some good news. While Pippa's ideal love match might come with a chateau or two, Nico does have some redeeming features.

The "35-year-old grammar-school educated stockbroker... is tall, handsome, sporty and solvent," says the Mail. Last year he sold flat in South Kensington for £1.56m.

Phew. And this public bottom feeling is a one off, surely?

There's some bad news.

After holidaying in Mustique with the Middletons, plus Kate and William, the couple flew to Zermatt in Switzerland, where, wait for it, "they were seen aggressively snogging in a bar".

Double fault.

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