Paper Monitor: Identifying your inner German

  • 24 May 2013

On identifying your inner German.

It's the big dilemma. Which type of German are you?

One speaks, of course, of the Champions League and tomorrow's first all-German final - Bayern Munich meet Borussia Dortmund. As if that wasn't hard enough to take for English fans, the game is being played at Wembley.

To stop readers ignoring the game in a fit of pique, the Sun has produced a helpful flow chart.

"For most Brits, backing a German team feels unnatural - so here's a fun guide to help you decide your allegiance."

It starts with geography. Dortmund is closer at 320 miles from Dover. So that's one nil Borussia.

Next up is character and reputation. "Who do you support in England?" If the answer's Manchester United the arrow points left (to Bayern). Their nickname is FC Hollywood after all. If it's Anyone But United then you go right (for Borussia).

The culture question asks if you like seeing men in lederhosen and getting incredibly drunk in October? (Erm, most of Munich's Oktoberfest happens in September. But we'll gloss over that.)

If you like the leather shorts you're into Bayern. If it's "I'll just take the beer, please" you fork right for Borussia.

Shirt colours are another crucial dividing line. Conservative red, you fork left. If you like them fluorescent yellow like Arsenal's "bruised banana of 1991" you go right.

Star players (left) or youth policy (right)? I think we're getting the hang of this.

What about fans? "A stadium of 70,000 polite Germans or 80,000 really excited Germans?" The former is Bayern. Dortmund are famed for their yellow wall, a form of "synchronised riotous fun".

In short it's traditional German powerhouse Bayern against folksy people's club Borussia.

The clincher for Paper Monitor's money is the managerial alternatives. Bayern have the "definitely old school" Jupp Heynckes who is "red-face and Fergie-like".

He's up against the "stubble and a hoodie" approach of Jurgen Klopp. The latter's modus operandi was memorably described a few weeks back by Guardian hack Barney Ronay as "the inspirational-supply-teacher schtick of Jürgen Klopp, Europe's current junior it-boy."

(The senior it-boy was Mourinho, whose side Klopp had just dispatched.)

Like an awestruck teenager watching aforementioned supply teacher send purple flames spurting out of the liebig condenser, Paper Monitor is firmly in the Klopp camp. But then it's Heynckes' final season so the sentimentalists amongst us might want a Bayern win.

Did the flow chart help, dear reader? Thought not. You're still going to watch The Voice, aren't you?