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I met
my partner in a pub when I was performing a comedy gig. When I'm
performing, I like to engage with the audience, so I'd noticed her
quite early on. She was obviously enjoying the act and there was
a connection there, I started to direct my act towards her, making
eye contact. She looked away. All shy.
She
was awestruck
There
was something vulnerable about her. I felt sorry for her but also
drawn to her. I knew instantly that I could cheer her up and make
her feel better about herself.
After I'd finished my set, I went up to talk to her. She was obviously
awestruck but also pleased. She was impressed that the act had noticed
her and that made me feel good. I realised that she wasn't somebody
who'd open up very easily but I felt I had the ability to bring
her out of herself.
Twice
a week
We
began to see each other on a twice a week basis. She was always
very shy, very submissive. I felt all the time, that she was proud
to be with me and a bit as if she depended on me. I felt good about
this. It was like one of those films where the guy asks the shy
librarian to take her glasses off and she turns out to be Audrey
Hepburn.
Within a couple of weeks she asked me if she could come at stay
at my place. She was having trouble at home and needed to get out.
I wasn't sure, it seemed too soon but she was desperate and I was
sorry for her.
She
hit me hard
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| Completely
dominated |
The
first time she hit me was over a row about the TV remote. I was
watching football and she changed the channel just as our side were
going for a goal. I don't remember what I said. Nothing extreme
but there was probably a hint of anger in there. She hit me hard.
When I challenged her, she said she was joking and she really seemed
to think it was me who had the problem. But she hit me hard. Too
hard.
My
thought at that time was that it was something in her up bringing.
I thought she maybe didn't understand that this level of violence
was wrong.
I tried to explain to her that she could make her point by talking
and that I would listen to her and try to come to an understanding.
But I see now that I was wrong. What she saw at that moment was
a victim and everything I said only confirmed her view.
Completely dominated
Before
long, I found that I was completely dominated by her. I found that
everything I did, from the moment I got up in the morning, was aimed
at trying to avoid her violence.
The
smallest thing could start it, not shutting a door, or shutting
a door at the wrong time. Not washing up, or washing up when she
wanted me to do something else. She was extremely jealous and didn't
like me to be out of her sight. I was working when we got together
but she put a stop to that.
A
shadow of my former self
It
wasn't all violence. She would cry and beg and plead as well. She
would phone me constantly to ask where I was and when I was coming
home. In the end, she didn't even have to hit me any more. Just
a look was enough to cause me pain.
I am now a shadow of my former self. I don't know how to get back
to being who I was.
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