These contain some examples of vulgar language.

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The French do not always consider having an argument as negative or destructive, particularly for couples. In fact, you can't really say you have a normal relationship if you haven't been through a good old row. Now, breaking the crockery is optional, but using the right line at the right time is absolutely essential.
So here's a list of expressions that will enable you to have a pretty decent argument with a French partner or close friend; the perfect come-backs to that provocative Tu me cherches? (*) Are you looking for trouble?

Looking for trouble
Get lost!
You're getting on my nerves
Are you taking the mickey?
Who do you think I am?
I don't believe it!

(* = familiar, ** = very familiar, *** = vulgar, v = Verlan (back-slang), Lit. = literally)

Looking for trouble

T'as un problème ? (*) Got a problem?
Not very original, but you have to find a way to start an argument somehow.

C'est quoi, ton problème ? (*) What exactly is your problem?
More or less same use as above.


C'est à moi que tu parles ? / C'est à moi que tu causes ? (*)
Are you talking to me?
Probably originates from Scorcese's Taxi Driver. Remember, there is nothing better than completely ignoring someone, particularly when there are only the two of you in a room. Expect a heated argument.

Qu'est-ce que tu racontes ? (*) What are you talking about?
Most arguments stem from confusion. Either you genuinely don't know what the other one is talking about, or you pretend you don't.

Tu veux ma photo ? (*) What are you looking at?
To make someone understand that the way they are looking at you is bothering them.

Tu me cherches ? (*) Are you looking for me?
Really implies that someone is looking for trouble.

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Get Lost!

When someone is getting too nosy and asking awkward questions, there's always a way to change the subject.

T'occupe ! (*) Mind your own business! Lit. Don't worry about that.
The whole expression should be Ne t'occupe pas de ça.
Q: Tu étais où hier soir ? Where were you last night?
A: T'occupe.(*)

Fais-moi des vacances ! (*) Give me a break. Lit. Give me a holiday.
Q: Tu étais où hier soir ? Where were you last night?
A: Fais-moi des vacances ! (*)

Lâche-moi les baskets ! (**) Give me a break! Lit. Let go of my tennis shoes.
Q: Tu étais où hier soir ? Where were you last night?
A: Lâche-moi les baskets ! (**)

Lâche-moi la grappe! (**) (same meaning as above)

Laisse béton ! (*v = Laisse tomber) (same meaning as above)

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You're getting on my nerves

Sometimes you just can't be bothered to justify yourself because you feel you haven't done anything wrong. Quite legitimately, you have to answer back...
Tu m'emmerdes ! (***) You're annoying me. Lit. You're crapping on me.
Q: Qui t'a offert ces fleurs ? Who gave you these flowers?
A: Tu m'emmerdes avec tes questions. (***)
A: Tu me fais chier ! (***) Lit. You make me shit
You're a pain in the ass/you're really getting on my nerves/you're really pissing me off.

Tu me prends la tête ! (**) You're doing my head in! Lit. You are taking my head. Same use as above.
Q: Qui t'a offert ces fleurs ? Who gave you these flowers?
A: Tu me prends la tête avec tes questions. (**)

Tu me gonfles ! (**) Lit. You're inflating me ... meaning like a balloon. When a balloon gets too inflated, it explodes. So it's a way of saying: Careful, you're just about to go too far.
Q: Qui t'a offert ces fleurs ? Who gave you these flowers?
A: Tu me gonfles avec tes questions. (**)
A: Ta gueule! (***) Shut up!

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Are you taking the mickey?

Tu te fous de ma gueule, ou quoi ? (**)
Are you making fun of me, or what? A good way to say: Do you think I'm an idiot? Do you really think I'm going to believe this whopper of a lie? The grammatical construction is a bit difficult here, so the best thing to do is learn this expression by heart.
Q: Ce soir, je sors avec ma cousine. Tonight I'm going out with my cousin.
A: Tu te fous de ma gueule, ou quoi ? (**)

Tu as bu, ou quoi ? (*) You must be joking! Lit. Are you drunk, or what? When someone is accusing you and you can't wriggle out of it, the only option left is to counter-attack and question the other person. It's mean, but sometimes you have no choice.
Q: Je t'ai vu embrasser quelqu'un dans un café. I saw you kiss someone in a café.
A: Tu as bu, ou quoi ? (*)

Another way to say "You must be joking!" or "You're crazy" is to advise them to stop smoking drugs.

Faut arrêter de fumer ! (**) Lit. You must stop smoking.

Tu as trop fumé ! (**) Lit. You smoked too much!

Tu as trop fumé la moquette ! (**) Lit. You smoked the carpet too much (you smoked so much that it made you crazy).

Tu as trop tiré sur le chichon ! (**) Chichon is a kind of pipe used to smoke drugs.

Non, mais, t'es pas bien ! (*) You're really mad!

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Who do you think I am?

Tu me prends pour qui ? / Qu'est-ce qu'il y a marqué, ici ? (*) Who do you think I am?
The latter litterally translates as "What does it say here?" Interesting expression as it's combined with a gesture: a finger pointing at your forehead. When your partner takes you for a ride, it's a way to say "Do you think I'm completely stupid?" It's always good to play the victim every now and then.

Il n'y a pas marqué [...] ici ! (*)
Could be used to say that you are not the expert in something and you don't want to do it - eg: Il n'y a pas marqué taxi ici means "I'm not a taxi driver" if you refuse to drive someone somewhere.

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I don't believe it!

J'hallucine ! (*) I am hallucinating.
I can't believe what I am seeing or hearing.

C'est l'hallu totale ! (*) It's total hallucination!
Hallu sounds cooler than the whole word hallucination.
Just because you are angry, it doesn't mean you shouldn't use cool expressions.

C'est pas vrai ! (*) It's not true!

Je rêve ! (*) I'm dreaming

J'y crois pas ! (*) I can't believe it!

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