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24 September 2014
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If you think the usual horoscopes are a bit of a let down, have a shufti at our alternative horrorscopes...
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F I R E S I G N S

Aries

You will get a really big zit right in the middle of your chin on Friday, just in time for that big night out. Copious amounts of make-up will do nothing to cover it, but will just make it look bigger and more obvious
than ever.

Leo
The new moon in your sign on Thursday combined with Mars speaks of a new kind of energy, drive and initiative which means you've no chance of getting out of doing the ironing.

Sagittarius
Time to gather your skills and resources, to be assertive and to put your ideas to the right people. And then tap up your dad for some beer money.

E A R T H S I G N S

Taurus
A week when finding the right words at the right time will have the effect of smoothing over a potential family upset. So be brave and admit it was you that scratched the car.

Virgo
Don’t worry for your apparently hidden or invisible talents are slowly but surely coming into the light. That Wonderbra works wonders.

Capricorn
With so much emphasis in the element of Fire this is surely just the kind of energy you need to inspire and enthuse you to get a new project under way. You will find a way to pay off the credit card bill.

A I R

Gemini
Your ideas start to flow and blossom and so do your relationships, a loving and sociable week ahead. Use protection.

Libra
The world is your oyster, there’s a lot going for you. Of course this does demand quite a bit of effort and expertise but you have the opportunity now to demonstrate just how effective your ideas can be, don’t hold back, book the holiday and worry about paying for it when you get back.

Aquarius
Any part of your personality that is wilful or possessive could be exposed this week, for there are opposing forces determined to bring out the best or worst in you. So drink less or you'll regret it.

W A T E R

Cancer
However in the midst of a busy week try to find a bit of time to catch your breath and consider priorities of a more personal nature. You cannot two time for much longer or you'll get found out.

Scorpio
Be prepared to provide a listening ear for those who need a bit of TLC, no-one does it better, the healing powers of Scorpio are powerful. Just try not to nod off this time.

Pisces
Your skills as a convincing and interesting speaker could be called upon this week as your mate will need an alibi.

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