BBC HomeExplore the BBC
This page has been archived and is no longer updated. Find out more about page archiving.

28 October 2014
LancashireLancashire

BBC Homepage
»BBC Local
Lancashire
News
Sport
Weather
Travel News

Things to do
People & Places
Nature
History
Religion & Ethics
Arts and Culture
BBC Introducing
TV & Radio

Sites near Lancashire

Bradford
Cumbria
Isle of Man
Liverpool
Manchester

Related BBC Sites

England
 

Contact Us



New Employment Conditions
thinking

Doesn't look over impressed does he?

Sent in by Dave Barnes... bet you're glad you don't work at the same place, eh?

SEE ALSO
Fun certificates
Office Dares
Stupid answers
Excuse generator
Caption Corner
Chat up lines
E-cards
Horrorscopes
Jokes
Insults
Ludicrous lists
Skiver's Corner
Wallpaper
WEB LINKS
BBC Comedy
The BBC is not responsible for the content of external websites.
PRINT THIS PAGE
View a of this page.
get in contact

 

New Employment Conditions

Dear Staff,

Please be advised that the following are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.

ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada trainers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

HOLIDAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 days holiday a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

TOILET USE:
Too much time is being spent in the toilets so there is now a strict 3-minute limit in the stalls. When this time is up, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed to the Unemployment Offices.

Best regards,

Human Resources Department

line
Top | Fun Stuff Index | Home
Also in this section
Competitions
Play the fun pub quiz
Which Lancs lass are you?
Which Lancs bloke are you?
Can thi speyk Lanky?
How fruity are you?
Telly-tastic
e-cards Your Space your pictures Contact Us
BBC Lancashire
Darwen Street
Blackburn
Lancashire, BB2 2EA
Tel: 01254 262411
Txt: 07786 201955
E-mail:
lancashire@bbc.co.uk



About the BBC | Help | Terms of Use | Privacy & Cookies Policy