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24 September 2014

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Knobbly Monsters

Wombles - The furry litter-pickers

An appreciation of those desperate attempts not to use the same word again... when there is only one. Named after Paul Hudson, who was writing about alligators when, having used up "reptiles", he resorted to "the knobbly monsters". Sent in by Sue Hendey.

Fun certificates
Office Dares
Stupid answers
Excuse generator
Caption Corner
Chat up lines
Ludicrous lists
Skiver's Corner
BBC Comedy
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Paddling pool (Red Syndications)
The watery playground

Citroen 2CV (Glasgow Evening Times)
The Gallic runabout

Gleneagles (Scot Sun)
The five-star Perthshire getaway

Johnny Vegas (Derek Brown)
The rotund funnyman

Brut after-shave (Toni Jones)
The potent green pong

Chainsaw (John Coles)
The whirring powertool

Michael Jackson (Splash News, LA)
The moonwalking entertainer

Hail (John Coles)
Large balls of the freezing ice

Engelbert Humperdinck (Bizarre's Derek Brown)
Perma-tanned hipster
Side-burned crooning legend

Gordon Ramsay (sub?)
The Michelin-starred stove ace

(James Clench) The tinny tyrants from Skaro
(News sub) Gravel-voiced salt-shakers
(Brian Flynn) Plunger-armed monster
(Jamie Pyatt) The pepperpot-shaped trundling nasties

Darth Vader (Clench)
The heavy-breathing turncoat Jedi

McDonald's (Soraya)
The haven of burger addicts

Oliver Skeete (Kathryn Lister)
The Rastafarian equestrian

Kentucky Fried Chicken (Bizarre)
The fatty snack

Pheromones.(Preposterous sex series)
The subtle sex perfumes

The panda (Sunday Times mag)
The sooty-eyed mammal

Mutant, three-headed frog (PA)
The strange, multi-faced creature

Pressure cookers
The useful devices for quick cooking

Lorraine Kelly on Mr Liza Minnelli, David Gest:
The facially-challenged self-styled impresario

Marmalade (Alastair Taylor)
The sugar-rich preserve

Scottish Accent
The Scottish style of speaking

Pies (Specialist News Service)
The humble pastry parcel
The pastry case dinner

Wombles (Sally Brook)
The furry litter-pickers

The Office Xmas Special (Mohan)
The double-barrelled festive parting shot for the Slough cleaning product salesman

The severe bikini treatment

The Vatican
The Pope's Italian base in Rome.

Kilt (Bizarre)
The tartan garment

Viagra (Jamie Pyatt)
The trouser-bursting tablets

Splinter (Jamie Pyatt)
The lethal shard of wood

Samurai sword (Scottish Sun)
The two-foot long oriental blade

Kama Sutra (Daily Star)
The sacred Asian sex text

Cheques (Isabelle Kassam)
The paper payment system

Kids' scooters (Sally Brook)
The lightweight aluminium transporters

Lovehearts (monitor: Phil Todd)
The fizzy message-bearing sweets

Korean dictator Kim Jong IL: (Trevor Kavanagh):
The tiny totalitarian

Giant squid (Brian Flynn)
The 41ft pink blob
The weird lifeform
The Bermuda blob
The tentacled monster
The long, pink lump of leathery flesh

Sausage (BB4)
The fatty breakfast treat

Head lice (Jeremy Vine, Radio 2)
The sesame-seed sized, six-legged parasites

Squirrels (Brian Flynn)
The bushy-tailed creatures

Bumblebee (Tim Spanton)
The yellow and black pollinator

Mariah Carey (Bizarre)
The perky-boobed singer

Magpie (Sunday Telegraph)
The rampaging carrion

Morris Dancing (Angial Press Agency)
The stick-banging dances

Tapas (Bill Todd)
The multiple nibbles.

Canteen trays (Newscorp house journal)
The wooden carriers

School (Dave Morgan)
The local seat of learning

Lion (Bizarre)
The fierce animal
The maned beast

Cancer (John Kay)
The creeping illness

Ron Davies (Mark Bowness)
The wood-loving romper

Brit human shields in Iraq (Nick Parker)
The duffel-coated Glastonbury Festival regulars
The woolly-jumpered peace group

Concorde (Charles Rae)
The famous drop-nosed jet

False leg (Jamie Pyatt)
The walking aid

India (Sally Brook)
The distant sub-continent

Snowball (John Troup)
The freezing cold projectile

Omar Bakri Muhammed (Neil Syson)
The gammy-legged extremist.

Rubber ring (Jamie Pyatt)
Inflatable doughnut-shaped watersports toy

Hedgehogs (Mel Hunter)
The prickly critters

Snoring (news short)
The noisy grunts

Scarves (Fashion's Fiona Reardon)
The woolly fashion items

Alzheimer's (John Scott)
The memory-sapping complaint

Shawls (Fatima Bholah)
The multi-coloured crochet creations

Sunken treasure (Katy Weitz, debut entry)
The watery bounty

Prostitution (Evening Standard)
The taboo service

Sugar and salt (Sally Ann Voak)
The popular flavourings

Nigel Kennedy (Bizarre)
The lumpy-necked fiddler

Postman Pat's cat (Sun news story)
Genial Pat's furry feline sidekick

Saudi Arabia (News)
The desert kingdom

Uri Geller (Frank Thorne)
The wacky mystic spoon-bender

Traffic cone (Robin Perrie P7 lead)
The lightweight obstacle

North Pole (Lorraine Kelly)
Earth's most northern point

Wallflowers (Peter Seabrook)
The rewarding biennial

David Seaman (Sun Sports pages)
The pony-tailed stopper

Simon Cowell (Brian Flynn)
The casually-dressed music industry supremo

Seaside rock (James Clench)
The eight-inch minty sticks

Polar Bears (Giovanna Iozzi)
The ambling shaggy white beasts

Beavers (Oliver Harvey)
The dam-building mammals

Squirrels (Lorraine Kelly)
The bushy-tailed little nut-eaters

Marmite (Newslist)
The thick black relish
The tangy black paste

Marmite (Tony Banks in Commons)
The wonderful savoury
The tea-time favourite

Goat (Corr copy)
The elderly, cloven-hooved nanny

Beards (Sharon Hendry)
The chunky chin-blankets

Pretzel (Grant Rollings)
The brittle or chewy glazed, usually salted, slender bread often shaped like a loose knot

Tomato ketchup (newslist 16.12.01)
The runny red favourite

Cod liver oil (Tim Spanton)
The foul-tasting health liquid

Toffee (Trad.)
The chewy comestible

Santa (Trad.)
The red-jacketed festive gift-bringer

Prawns (Trad.)
The tasty sea creatures

Hand-grenade (Trad.)
The pineapple-shaped munition

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