Characters - Cara McIlvenny

From: cara.mcilvenny@stds.ac.uk
To: alex.beenyman@stds.ac.uk
Subject: Email chess.

OK. I move that one with the slash up his face past one of the dumpy ones with a round head and problem shoulders.

Cara

p.s. Why can't we just talk about this? I can see you at the next bench as I'm dictating this into the voice recognition thungy. Thungy. Thungy! I don't think it's working properly. It won't say thungy. There we go again! Thungy! I give up.

From: alex.beenyman@stds.ac.uk
To: cara.mcilvenny@stds.ac.uk
Subject: Re: Email chess.

I take by "that one with the slash up his face" you mean a bishop and by "one of the dumpy ones with a round head and problem shoulders" you mean a pawn. You can't make that move, Cara, we're just starting the game. You'd have to move the pawn out of the way first. I keep telling you - the rules are slightly different to British Bulldog.

Alex

p.s. We're doing it over email because that's the whole point of email chess. And stop saying "thingy" over and over again - it's beginning to sound weird.

From: cara.mcilvenny@stds.ac.uk
To: alex.beenyman@stds.ac.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Email chess.

I don't have to move the pawn out of the way because before I move the bishop I'm going to take it using that one with the nipple on its head.

Cara

p.s. I'll say "thungy" as long as I need to. I'm only saying "thungy" because it won't write "thungy" properly. It keeps coming out as "thingy." Eh? What happened there? I said "thingy" and it came out "thungy." It did it again! This is the strangest thung.

From: alex.beenyman@stds.ac.uk
To: cara.mcilvenny@stds.ac.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Email chess.

You can't take your own pieces, Cara, only mine. And the one with the nipple on its head is called a Queen.

Alex

p.s. Maybe you haven't calibrated your voice recognition software for a Brummie accent.

From: cara.mcilvenny@stds.ac.uk
To: alex.beenyman@stds.ac.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Email chess.

All right then, clever. I won't move the bishop. I'll move that other one - y'know - whichever one it is that can fly. The flying one. I'll move that one to next to your Lego fireman.

Cara

p.s. There's no accent calibration option on this program. Anyway, it's not like I'm speaking Swahili, it's only Brimmie. Brimmie? Brimmie! Brimmie!! Stupid thung!

From: alex.beenyman@stds.ac.uk
To: cara.mcilvenny@stds.ac.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Email chess.

What do you mean 'Lego fireman'?

Alex

p.s. For goodness' sake, turn the voice recognition software off and just type.

From: cara.mcilvenny@stds.ac.uk
To: alex.beenyman@stds.ac.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Email chess.

Your Lego fireman. I couldn't find all the pieces, so I've made some substitutions. The Lego fireman's standing in for the one that usually goes next to the one the chocolate kitten's standing in f- Professor! The one the chocolate kitten was standing in for.

Cara

From: alex.beenyman@stds.ac.uk
To: cara.mcilvenny@stds.ac.uk
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Email chess.

Right. If you're not going to play this properly, I don't want to play it at all.

Alex

From: cara.mcilvenny@stds.ac.uk
To: alex.beenyman@stds.ac.uk
Subject: Loser!

Yes! You concede! I wun! I wun! Wun! Wun! This software's going straight in the bun.