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24 September 2014

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Little Britain's Lou and Andy
Little Britain's Lou and Andy

Little Jersey

Tom Baker plays an important part in Little Britain, he gives us facts about the nation we live in. We want you to come up with your own ‘Little Britain’ style facts for Jersey.

Little Britain is sweeping the nation, launching catchphrases like, ‘Yer, but no, but yer, but …” from teenager Vicky Pollard or bad transvestite Emily Howard’s ‘I’m a Lady’, or of course who could forget Daffyd Thomas ‘the only gay in the village’.

"Before John Nettles moved to Midsommer, Jersey had the highest crime rate in the western world."
John Uphoff

Another memorable part of the show is ex Doctor Who legend Tom Baker’s ‘facts’ about Little Britain, some of his lines are stunning, some a bit odd, but most make you laugh.

A true fact we can give you for free is that in the early years of his life, Tom Baker was a monk with the Brothers of Ploermel and stayed in a monastery in Jersey.

One of the Little Britain facts took place just before a scene where Emily Howard and her friend Florence are about to play a game of mixed doubles tennis.

Little Britain
Not the only gay in the village

“The game of tennis was invented in 1982 by Dr Jonathan Tennis when he had the idea of fusing the popular sports of Badminton and Swing Ball.”

The BBC Little Britain website challenged people to come up with new facts to put into the mouth of Tom Baker.

Some phrases sent in to the Little Britain site included:

“Britain was discovered in 1969 when Neil Armstrong spotted it from the moon."

"In 1566, most Victorian families kept a small boy lodged in their chimney for a rainy day. Those that escaped fled to the North and drew on their common experiences to construct the city of Manchester.”

Your Turn

Tom Baker

We want you to imagine you could put words into the mouth of Little Britain narrator Tom Baker. What would you make him say?

We want you to see if you can come up with Little Jersey facts, here are two to kick start your imagination:

"Jersey was opened in 1975 as a private golf course for the Prime Minister of England."

"Jersey is the world’s largest t-shirt factory, producing 10 t-shirts every year."

You can come up with better than this, get your thinking cap on and tell us your Little Jersey facts. Just in closing, I thought it worth mentioning that Little Jersey is a small village just outside the town of craphole [pron: crap o] in Eastern Phlem.

last updated: 17/12/04
Have Your Say
Use the form below to tell us your Little Jersey facts.
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Helder de silva *Cabaret star*
Jersey was once called the cosmopolitan island.Now its not but it remains a "pink" paradise to this day.Where summer never ends!

Don le flom
Jersey my love was hand crafted in China.King philip schofield and Queen fern britton gave birth to a gopher who listend to satanic music and ate cornflakes. Gordon the gophers head spun round everytime the house prices went up in Jersey and spat out his cornflakes in disgust.Meanwhile Marilyn manson played Jersey live at the request of gordon and played tainted m,luv for the Jersey people.Elvis presleys Casio digital was found at the Devils hole.Its still working!!! telling the time for JERSEY "A".

Jersey was created by the son of dewrell who said "my son" all this one day will be yours have you anything to say? The son answered his father and said all this land will be mine?Super-man!

David Allan
Jersey, has the highest educational standards in the world as the schools are run by corn.

David Allan
Jersey Jersey Jersey, where the worlds first synthetic mallards were created.

Simon Norman
Jersey was first discovered in 1776 when New Jersey citizens kicked out of the newly formed United States of America found themselves on a small Island near to France.

Jersey is the world largest laundry and they wash a lot more than clothes wink wink.

Jersey - ordered by a group of teenagers as a practical joke, it is now the top holiday destination just beating Romania by 2 cows.

Jersey Jersey Jersey - Invented in 1975 but lost during the 1980's found only a week ago in the Home of Trevor MacDonald.

Ahhh, the Jersey Royal, found on the 30th Febuary 1932 and given it's name by the one who made that glorious find, King Edward 0th. A fine day it was too. The Jersey Royal and The King Edward together, both jolly good taters. John Motson was also there, but he was only a commentator.

jersey was created by a bunch of hulgans on a stag night one of them was wearing a jersey thats how it got its name land of the stag nights ( jersey )

Russ Marett
Jersey has one of the largest tidal ranges in the you see it, now you don't.

When America realised their flag had one star too many in 1859 they drafted every woman over 65 in the state of Texas to knit them one. They called this State America's New Jersey which was shorten to New Jersey in 1968 when the game of basketball was invented by Alan Basketcase, as it's full name couldn't fit on the front of the average basketball player's jersey.

The 5 foot 4 inch basketball player's of New Jersey soon grew in height to a staggering 9 and a half feet and won the NBA by eating mostly magic 'beans' grown by the little known magician Jack Stalk. The team went through several jersey's as they grew and with land fill at a shortage in a knitted State the old jerseys were dumped at sea. Which, due to strong tides slowly built up on the coast of France. The strong sweaty smell soon spread across France and in 1979 the french ordered farmer Norman to use his cows to swim to pile out to sea. The cows soon tired in the strong tide and used the pile to rest on. Strangely the cows were the perfect weight to hold the pile still and decided it was easier to never get off the pile as it was to swim any further. In 1981 the first visitor to the pile, John Nettles, decided to set up a police force there to keep the cows in order and deemed the old jersey's an island in there own right for the first time. The Queen of England (or Lizzie to her mates) deemed it Old Jerseys with a silent 's' a year later and people came from all over England, from towns such as Scotland and Poland. The main source of business in Old Jerseys being keeping the Queen's potatoes warm in the Island's cotton soil and helping John watch those lazy cows. Damien However, the smell never left France and to this day they can be seen trying to push Old Jersey further away with the use of long sticks. In 2010 they plan to let off a nuclear device on their own coast to destroy it if the stick pushing fails, creating a new coastal town called Paris.

worzel gummidge
Very fewer people know that jersey was created one day by a gigantic flying cow that did a huge plop in the ocean.Jersey became fertile out of which was born a single bean. The bean was exposed to the various elements of wind,rain & snow then was struck by lightning out of the bean jumped a "monkey".To this day at jersey zoo you can see the descendants of that very monkey. Next time you visit the monkey enclosure say "Hello m,luv". BAR CRAR"

pattie anne
Very few people know that the town of Little Jersey is named for it's unique herd of cattle ... yup, you got it ... smallest cows in the country.

Jersey, shaped like an American football shirt, is a small peacful place where cows, potatoes, and smelly people live in hormony farming the land by day and cruisng by yacht at is a "nice" place...but who likes nice anyway?

big bob
jersey was the set for *grumpy old men* and the entire island population were the extras

Jersey is one of the largest islands in europe, with over 1 town.

Shaun E
This once Martian island, governed by the mighty Moo from 1962 to 1978.5, was re colonised by the Englishmen after a successful game of snap on board the 8:15 from Whitby in 1986 between the Queen and the then famous lycra clad Green Goddess, whom acquired the island via a dance off against its Martian ruler Moo Too in 1908

Jersey was originally created as haven for men going through a mid-life crisis. Thus the overwhelming amount of yachts, private planes and sports cars that litter the place.

Jersey, where potatoes were common until adopted by the Queen.

Jersey was knitted. It was an exhibition piece for the Festival of Britain in 1951. Whilst being transported to St Malo by ship where it was to commence its worldwide display tour it was suspiciously cast adrift by the jealous Mabel Shufflepenny whose piece 'Lundy' failed to impress the judges.

The Thunderbirds was set on Jersey, I once saw Thuderbird 3 launch from Harve des Pas bathing pool. Which was nice.

Danny Standen
Jersey, originally designed as France's answer to Alcatraz but was later sold to the UK once they realised they couldn't find it!

Steven Edwards
Sinve 1983 the inhabitents of the Island have systematically move earth from the north shore to the south bay in order to move the entire island into the Mediterainian by 2031

Hilltöp Swiss
The Channnel Islanders are said to have inherited their manners from the British and their cuisine from the French - good thing it wasn't the other way round. ( Quote from recent German TV travel programme )

In 1782 Jersey imported 500 frogs in order to change the nick name the Guernsey People (Donkeys) had given to Jersey people of "Cows", six years later they wished they had imported tree frogs instead of Crapaud frogs.

Daryl Golding
Jersey was created when the West German football team of 1966 sent there shirts by submarine and dumped them off the coast of England. The rotting smell created volcanic movement under the sea, which created Little Jersey.

Dave Hartley
The Rulers of the Kingdom of Jersey have decreed that its subjects realize the need for a police state or they can catch the next boat out in the morning.

Jersey was found when someone knitted the biggest Jumper ever and walked along it to find the beginning

Jersey is migrating South for the next Ice Age. Rocks from the north have permission from the housing department to move from St John to St Helier.

In Jersey Maltesers are square to stop them rolling off the cliffs

Paul Dunthorne
Jersey was originally built for the TV series Kojak

Richard Middleton
Some don't belive jersey exsists Some do

Tony Robinson
Jersey is ruled by a System of voting, vote counting, and then random selection.

Tony Robinson
Until 1983 Jersey was actually part of France, but it wafted across the ocean on the smell of garlic.

Tony Robinson
Ferret tennis was a popular sport in Jersey until the famous uprising of April 4th 1994. There is now a public holiday held every three days in rememberence.

Tony Robinson
The island of Jersey was invented by Mr. Simon Jersey, but was scrapped due to poor profit margins.

Donald Bruce
Jersey was established as a penal colony in 1987 to house corupt Tories, bad actors and Scotland.

Ross N
Jersey and Guernsey are in fact fused by an invisible land bridge, which explains why the two are indistinguishable/interchangable to the majority of UK residents.

Owen Morris
Jersey was once used as a holiday camp for foreign visitors, but no-one quite understood why they stayed for 5 years

Jersey was the first man made island, made solely for the purpose of filming Bergerac.

Jersey's unique position on the equator makes it the sunniest place on Earth.

Jason A. Forbes
Jersey, Jersey, Jersey - flooded by a raindrop last week, squashed by Anne Widdecombe, when she fell from the hilltop.

Jason A. Forbes
Jersey, Jersey, Jersey - discovered by the Romans in 1999. Invaded by cows in 2000. Land of milk, and rich people who live off the fat of the land. Why not go to America? There's plenty fat there.

The Jersey cow is a member of the cat family

95% of all Jersey residents were extras in Bergerac.

In the 20th century Jersey was inhabited by a tribe of builders from The Isle of Mann and became known as old Manx word for Jersey

Jersey has 53 different political parties but none of them are the opposition they are all the government!

Before John Nettles moved to Midsommer, Jersey had the highest crime rate in the western world.

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