Part Two - Heidi King's web diary

Learning the language of fluency - Heidi King in the Big Apple

Read the second part of Heidi King's diary as she tries out a revolutionary stammering treatment in New York.

14th June 2006

Today I am finding it easier. My confidence in the device is growing.

Even though the effect at times feels effortless, I have to learn to keep tuned into the device and concentrate on modifying any stammers as they appear.

I feel like I have to learn to speak another language (the language of fluency), that I have had little experience in using.

I suppose I just have to have faith in myself that I will become more accustomed to and comfortable with the delights that this new language will bring.

25th June 2006

I'm back in the UK. It is 11am British time - 6am New York time and I've already been up two hours! I am not happy.

No, no that's a lie - I'm happy at the prospect of seeing everyone (and coming back to work of course!!!!) but feel like I need at least another couple of hours sleep (and a trip to the NY deli on the corner of Broadway and 50th St).

26th June 2006

My first day back at work and I was dreading it!

Most of us can relate to the feeling of dread at the prospect of going back to work after having a fantastic holiday, but this felt different, because I felt different.

I do not know the Heidi who does not stammer as much, who does not take as long to get her words out.

Inside Out East tells Heidi King's story

What would people think and how would people respond?

I need not have worried, the people who knew me the best were more interested in finding out what New York was like rather than asking about my speech.

This surprised me, for something that was at the fore front of my mind, people almost forgot to ask.

I don't for one minute think it was out of rudeness but perhaps this part of me, my stammer, was of little importance to them.

When I brought up the 'SpeechEasy' device people immediately brought up the dramatic impact it had on my speech.

For those who knew me less well, I only had to say "how are you?" without stammering for them to throw their arms around me and express their delight at the success of the device.

3rd July 2006

I feel on top of the world. I've just got home from tango.

I was a bit worried about going because I was worried what people would expect to hear.

However I need not have worried. I spoke all evening with such ease.

It was a good situation to be in because my speech wasn't the centre of attention, for me or my dance partners - dancing is the priority at tango!

That had the effect of taking the pressure off of the speech.

I allowed myself permission to take the device out at the bar afterwards.

Heidi King is fitted with the SpeechEasy device

A little later, someone asked me if I was still wearing it. I said I wasn't, this seemed to surprise him as he said my speech was still so smooth.

I think the carry over effects of the device is sometimes quite prominent. I wonder why this is?

I think part of the reason is that I am learning to modify my stammers while I am wearing the device, so this skill I am sometimes managing to carry over.

Secondly, I think I am forgetting how to struggle, and not liking the experience of struggling when I do.

I am sure there must be some research literature on this, probably something about my brain is having more practice at using a new pathway or something?

Anyway what ever the reason - I quite like it!

12th July 2006

Today, I gave my first every presentation. By this I mean it was the first time I had stood up and gave a presentation totally on my own without anyone supporting me.

I was the guest speaker at a regional carers meeting.

I used a PowerPoint presentation to support my speech and thought I could rely on that if my speech really broke down.

Tackling the stammer - keeping up the good work

The presentation was in front of about 20 people - I only knew a couple of them. Perhaps one of the most pressured situations anyone could face?

Yes, I still stammered but the stammers were lighter and quicker to get through.

I thought that my speech flowed and the stammers didn't dominant the talk.

I got some positive feedback on the presentation and it raised lots of discussion and questions.

It felt good! I actually enjoyed doing it. In fact I felt so good tonight that I called one of my friends to see if I could tag along at the speakers group she goes to.

She agreed and I'm going for the first time on Wednesday!

24th July 2006

I was having a conversation today with someone about how I still stammer and I got the impression they saw this as somehow a disappointment to me.

This was an interesting conversation. Everyone, including me would love a quick fix for any woe or problem in their lives.

However, I know that that's not what life is about.

I have accepted that I stammer and I will continue to do so until the day I die, that's the way my brain is wired.

However I feel freer now, I feel that the stammer is easier to manage and control.

Coping over the noise - concentration is crucial

I sometimes get frustrated at myself when I start to stammer more, for example when I am in a busy, noisy place, talking about something quite complex, emotive or when I am anxious or taking to a large group of people.

I chide myself because I know that I can speak so much smoother in other situations.

However I suppose it is normal to feel slightly less comfortable in these situations and with me the first thing to go is going to be my dodgy speech system in my brain!

I suppose I should give myself less of a hard time!

To be honest I think people, including me have forgotten the extent to which I stammered and struggled in the past.

So now people who hear me stammer think that I have always been like this and nothing has improved.

I've also learnt that a lot of people actually don't care or fail to notice how I say the things that I say.

29th August 2006

It's now the end of August, two months since I came back from New York where I had the 'SpeechEasy' device fitted to ease my severe stammer.

The stammers feel like little puddles to hop over rather than great rivers to wade through.

I wear the 'SpeechEasy' device about eight-nine hours a day.

I usually take it out for one full day per week I take it out because I do still have to work at my speech when I am wearing the device, and sometimes I just can't be bothered!

No walk in the park - Heidi King is determined to win through

I have to tune into it throughout the day and actively listen to the little voice in my left ear.

I still practice daily - morning and evening.

There are times when life gets in the way, the pressure of the situation or the background noise is too great for the speech system in my brain to cope with, and I do slip back into those life long habits of struggling and pushing through each word.

In general, it's nice to arrive home from work with my body feeling relaxed knowing that I haven't spent the day contorting my face and upper body, struggling to speak.

Actually now I love talking more than ever (my friends found it difficult to shut me up in the past. Now its impossible!).

In the last month I've joined a speakers club to try to improve my public speaking skills, and I've just returned to my doctoral course in Clinical Psychology.

Return to the first instalment

Have your say...

If you have a stammer or a family member or best friend with a stammer, we'd like to hear your experiences.

Email insideout@bbc.co.uk and we'll publish a selection of your comments from Tuesday 21 November, 2006.

Credits

Many thanks to Heidi King for sharing her experiences.