Supporting someone with cancer

Learn to listen

Having cancer can give rise to a whole range of strong emotions - shock, fear, anger, bitterness, confusion and depression. These emotions may be caused by:

• Uncertainty about the future, such as not knowing what is going to happen or whether the cancer can be cured.
• Unfamiliarity with hospitals, healthcare professionals and treatments - this can make a person feel less in control.
• Social Isolation - when people are ill they may not see their usual friends or work colleagues. This may make them feel more isolated at a time when they need people around them.

For a person with cancer, talking about their fears and concerns can go a long way to helping reduce anxiety. You can help by listening. If you're a good listener you can show them that you accept how they feel, which in turn may make them more comfortable about talking openly.

Starting a conversation may sometimes be difficult, but you might find the following tips useful:

• Give clues that you're not hurrying off - take your coat off and sit down– get comfortable and try and look relaxed
• Avoid interruptions – switch off your mobile phone
• Keep your eyes on the same level as the person you're talking to and don't sit too far away
• If you're not sure whether the person wants to talk, ask them. You could say something like ‘Do you feel like talking?’
• Don't be offended if they don't want to talk

Once the conversation is under way, help the other person say what's on their mind by:

• Listening to what they're saying rather than thinking about what you're going to say next
• Encouraging them by saying things such as "Yes" and "I see" as they talk, or holding their hand if they're obviously thinking about something painful
• Showing you're listening by picking up on things they've said
• Being honest and not afraid of describing your own feelings. You are allowed to say things like 'I find this difficult to talk about’ or I'm not very good at talking about…..' or even ‘I don’t know what to say'.
• Allowing silences and not filling them with words for the sake of it
• Not changing the subject, even if you find some of the things being said difficult
• Not interrupting or blocking their flow by saying things such as "You'll be all right" or "Don't worry"
• Not forcing your advice on the other person - try presenting your suggestions as questions, such as "Have you ever thought about...?"
• Acknowledging how difficult it is to face uncertainty – don't try to cheer the person up by saying things like, 'don't worry it will be OK' – this will stop the person from being able to discuss how they really feel.

Practical help

There are a number of ways you can help a person with cancer. Some people find it easier to give practical help rather than emotional support. It can be difficult to know where to start, so here are some suggestions:

• Offer to help - if you're not a member of the immediate family, find out if your help is needed. Even if it’s not, don’t take it personally. You could see if other members of the family need your support.
• Assess what the person needs most - ask yourself what they will and won't be able to do for themselves. For example: "Can she prepare her own meals?", "Do the children need to be taken to and from school?"
• Decide which of these jobs you can do - for example, you may not be a great cook, but have a car and could take the children to school.
• Start with small practical things - from the list of things you can do, offer one or two. Remember that sometimes it's the small thoughtful offers that mean most, such as offering to do the shopping or provide lifts for family members.
• Offer to visit - spending regular time with your friend or relative could be the most valuable way you can help.

Look after yourself

The last thing a person with cancer needs is for those close to them to become ill, so you need to look after yourself and recognise your own limitations. Know what you can do and don't feel guilty about the things you can’t do. Get other people to help as well.

Remember that you can also get help and support from the health care professionals who are looking after the person with cancer. These professionals may include your GP, district nurse, social worker or specialist nurse, such as a Macmillan nurse. If you need help with care let a health care professional know, they can provide you with:

• information
• practical and possibly financial help and/or advice
• someone professional to talk to, who might help get things into perspective

You can also contact a number of organisations for support and advice, such as Macmillan Cancer Support (0808 808 00 00).

There are several ways you can look after yourself. Here are some tips:

• keep your own health appointments and make sure you tell your doctor if you're caring for someone with cancer
• eat well - at least one proper meal a day
• if you feel unwell, get some extra rest and don't put off seeing your doctor
• don't hesitate to turn to others for help
• get a good night's sleep, if possible
• keep up regular gentle exercise - it can be relaxing and give you more energy
• make time for yourself every day
• share your feelings - a local carers' group may help
• keep your social life going if you can - at least by phoning people
• recognise the signs of stress - headaches, insomnia, digestive problems, constant colds
• try relaxation techniques - ask your family doctor for advice

Further information

Remember to ask doctors and nurses for advice if you're unsure of what to do to help. You might want to ask about the services provided by counsellors and Macmillan nurses in your local area.

Social workers, who can be contacted through the hospital where your relative or friend is being treated, can help organise services at home such as meals on wheels. They can also give advice on benefits and applying for grants.

For more information about people and organisations who can provide practical, emotional and financial support, see Support for you, Emotional help, Financial help and Useful contacts.