The impact of separation

The impact

The parent who chose to end the relationship will often be dealing with feelings of guilt. The parent who was left may also have to cope with a sense of rejection. Even when both parents agree to end the marriage or relationship, they will both usually experience high levels of emotional distress.

The mix of feelings it brings will vary from person to person, but common emotions include:

• Grief
• Hurt
• Anger
• Anxiety

Sometimes these feelings can also be mixed with a sense of relief.

Challenges of separation

It's important to recognise that family separation isn't a one off event but a series of transitions. Not only will life as a separated parent continue to present you with new challenges, but the way that you feel will also change over time.

In the early days after separation, you will be in a state of shock. You may find it difficult to:

• Concentrate
• Make decisions
• Deal with anything other than the very basics

After this initial shock has subsided, it may be difficult to accept what has happened. you may find yourself thinking that the separation is only temporary, or that it's not such a big problem. When the reality of the separation hits you, you may well feel angry – angry with your children's other parent, angry with yourself or just angry and frustrated that things feel so painful.

As time moves on, be prepared for your mood to feel low. You may lose interest in things you used to enjoy and find it difficult to think about the future in a positive light.

These feelings are usually temporary and, in time, the world will begin to feel like a better place again.

At this stage, you'll start to think about what the future might hold for you. Be careful not to rush things. Eventually, you will be able to make new choices about your life and the emotional impact of the separation will feel much less immediate.

Looking after yourself

The early stages after separation can be very difficult. However the relationship ended, your emotional state, the disruption to routines and the number of practical things that need dealing with can all feel too much. But it's important that you find ways to cope, both for yourself and for your children.

Establish good routines as soon as possible. Maintain or resume the ones that are useful, such as going to the gym, meeting friends or taking your children swimming, and start new routines as soon as possible. Going to work or getting the children to school on time can feel difficult, but these routines can offer structure when the rest of your life is changing.

Setting achievable goals

Try to set yourself small goals and take one step at a time. It can take a while for your life to feel anything like normal again, so don't be too ambitious or try to force things along. There will be some difficult days but also some better days. Look after yourself on the bad days and enjoy the days that feel more positive. In time, there will be more good days than bad.

Look after your health. Good diet, exercise and sleep are all important at times of stress. Try to eat at least one good meal a day and find ways of burning off the stress inducing chemicals that your body will be producing by going for a brisk walk or doing some other form of physical activity.

It's also important to keep any alcohol and nicotine intake under control. If your confidence or self-esteem takes a knock, find ways of being kind to yourself.

Depression

It's normal to feel sad or low as you go through a divorce or separation. But, sometimes, these feelings are more serious. If your mood is making day-to-day tasks difficult, disturbing your sleep or making you feel hopeless in any way, you may be suffering from depression. It’s important to speak to your GP if you have any concerns at all.